Rambles...

I am usually one glued to the television when a sad tragedy takes place. I am the one that researches it until I am blue in the face. I would sit and tell people everything they needed to know about the event. I watch trials on television. I watched every single day of the Casey Anthony trial and good for my husband the day of the verdict the t.v. was still in tact. I watch In Session on TruTV. Growing up I watched Forensic Files (still do), 48 hours.. I am always watching something that likely causes me extreme anxiety. Growing up I remember sitting in the living room with my father watching Rescue 911 (one of the best memories I have with my father). Does anybody remember that show? Rescue 911... such an old show. When I woke up Friday morning it was late my son and I slept in. I usually am awake at 7 and by 8 all my "chores" are done. I remember it being 8:30 and I turned on my phone and it was going insane with text messages. Everybody that knows me knows I am news junkie. So I am doing the dishes and thinking "something happened" I was thinking to my family, to a friend... so I dry my hands and check my phone. Turn the news on your not going to believe what happened... My aunt "I just turned the news on what is happening to this world"... my son was eating breakfast and I was in the midst of other things. I went out to smoke called my mom and husband came back in and my son was playing his Leapster so I thought perfect I'll turn on the news to see what everybody is talking about. 

12 people dead and 50+ injured was scrolling across my TV. Movie theater massacre... I quickly thought what in the world is going on. Why are these things happening. Then I read my Facebook, sign on twitter... I read the comments my friends were writing "This wack job" or "what a worthless piece of shit this guy was" while he was obviously a little nuts every person has a story behind the battles they face. I started reading of the hero's that were in the movie theater saving people's lives. I read a blog today from The Shine Project and heard about Jessica the woman that was in Toronto attending a street party when a shooting occurred and then was in Aurora watching Dark Knight when the shooting happened. She was killed. It's so sad that this happened. I had to shut off the news that day... and I tried hard not to watch it again. 

For 3 years I lived in constant fear. Fear from the unknown. When I received my felony and had to leave my baby and husband to go to Ohio and I came home I was in constant fear. Fear I would be driving and a cop would pull me over and I would have my son and something terrible would happen. I fear the worst when my child is sick. I fear so many things in life that I literally never left my home. This year I have started to work on this. Fear was literally taking over my whole entire life. I was so angry and sad all the time because I was not getting out of my house and depression was kicking in from being inside all the time. I started to realize I could be sitting out front and somebody could drive by and shoot me... anything can happen at any given time but I have to embrace life and not live in this fear the way I am. That is why I turned off my television. If I kept listening and hearing about this event I would never go to a movie theater for at least 4 years... I did watch the Dateline NBC that Friday night but that has been about it. I know that in order to not be fearful I can not be so fixated on these horrible events that happen here on earth. If I continue to live in fear on a daily basis I would be a very lonely person that nobody would want to be around. I lost a couple good friends because I would not get in my car and go hang out with them. Fear overcame my life. It was a terrible feeling... sometimes I go back to that but I quickly get myself out of it. My husband has helped me a lot through the process... 

May they find some sort of peace through this process. I will also be praying for the Holmes family and James... that we can try to find out some answers. And remember as tragic as this event was everybody is suffering some kind of battle.

I want to empathize a little bit about what I said yesterday with the Suboxene. I understand that this treatment program works for people and I know there are some good doctors that understand what short term treatment means. I also understand that some doctor's do not understand what short term means, and I also know that addicts can take things to the extreme. If I knew that Suboxene got me high I would probably be taking 2 a day rather than 1 a day; because that is how addicts think. We are extreme people that like to manipulate. As I did say that I know Weight Watchers helped my girlfriend loose over 100 pounds while my other girlfriend did the HCG diet and lost 40 pounds because Weight Watchers did not work for her. I am not saying that if you take Suboxene you are not clean... I have never done them just from what I have witnessed from others and read about (I am a huge researcher on things) so I do know a lot about them. If I were against any opiate blocker it would be the Methadone Clinics... my one friend I have been helping said "I think I will just go to a Methadone clinic" my reply "Why would you do that? I use to get high off Methadone." I know they are given at the clinic and you only get so much of the Methadone. Some addicts that substitute addicts take another addiction that is a healthy one. My girlfriend has been sober for 8 years and she is an exercise freak.. it is her new addiction. While others could take diet pills to get that speed feeling. I am not against this treatment, I am not for the treatment.. I feel that if you have a good doctor that truly understands what short term program means then it could really work for you. The people that think being on Suboxene for 5 years is a good thing... I do not think it is. Everybody's recovery is different and I am the last person that would ever judge you if you told me you were on Suboxene. I just had been wondering about what other's thought of that. I did not mean to hurt feelings, or get an argument started; so I apologize if I did so-and if I hurt anybody's feelings with my opinions.  

I also want to thank those that have sent me their stories. I have only had 2 people send theirs to me but I have had people e-mail me and tell them that it was important to hear somebody else's story. Somebody also told me that one story made them want to open up about them being sexually abused. I want to share other people's stories on a regular basis maybe 1 or 2 a week. The problem is that I do not have enough people that are willing to submit their stories. I understand that some of you do not want to share some parts of your story because of the feelings it brings up. It does not have to be about anything but what YOU want it to be about. It can be how the sun is shining, what step was easier or harder for you... how you have done with your recovery... what has worked for you in your recovery. Things like that. If you are interested please e-mail me at 

mylife.mystory.2011@gmail.com

I will add it to my blog as a guest post you may remain anonymous and not be revealed. Think about it and e-mail me if your interested. 

Until Next time....

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