Phew...

Yesterday was awful. Today is better.

You see, my father has always had this very strong hold on emotions and feelings. I don't know why... I don't know what it could be that he can make me feel the way he feels sometimes. I did not let him get me down for long. Just a whole day not as bad as it could have been. 

Last July, I stopped communication with my father but kept my e-mail open when he or I wanted to communicate. I am not going to go into specifics about why we stopped talking because it's just the same old stuff if you know my father and I's relationship. Yesterday I was thanking the Lord I went to West Central to build the boundaries, and putting the walls in place that needed to be there. If I had not went I would have been puking, and having anxiety for days but yesterday is all it was. 

I am really embarrassed and ashamed. Maybe if I open up about it somebody will have been through a similar situation. 

3 years ago my father told me he met a woman. I was happy for him, and he seemed happy. I was happy for him because I did not know the circumstances around the situation. After I found out that the girl he was with was younger than I... it really grossed me out. It embarrassed me that he would go for a young woman. I know that it is "okay" in this day and age but when you have a child close to your girlfriends age it kind of makes it harder to accept. They ended up getting married. I kind of just pushed it away because they live in a different state than I; so it was basically an out of sight out of mind thing. I knew they were trying to have a baby but I thought because my father drank so much that it would never happen. 

Well, guess what... Sunday night sitting on the couch reading my Kindle relaxing from a long day of egg hunting I received an e-mail from my father. It said "Guess who is pregnant?" my first thought was that he was going to tell me my cousin was pregnant but he did not. I responded "Who?" his response "my wife" jaw dropped that lump in my stomach started and the anxiety started flowing. I instantly got that "hot" feeling over me and ran outside and picked up a cigarette. I was in so much shock I had no idea what to do. All these thoughts running through my head. 

I am the type of the person that when somebody is alone, or feels lonely it gives me anxiety. That is the huge reason I took care of my father for so many years was because I could not stand the thought of him going through addiction alone and it gave me major anxiety to think that. When I went to school and he was at home drunk I could not concentrate all day. It not only goes for my dad but for my friends too. I know what it feels like to be lonely, or go through something that nobody understands alone.

I heard that his wife was calling around at the end of February to find a rehab facility to get him into because he wanted to stop drinking. When I heard that I just laughed and laughed... how many times have I heard that one. Too many too count. 

I kept the lines of communication open with his wife. A year after I got home from West Central they came down to visit. Mind you, at this time of them first dating she did not know he was an alcoholic. Well, when they came down to Florida I received a phone call from her saying "What is wrong with your dad? He is drinking right out of the bottle, and I do not know what to do" the first thing I thought was "I have to get right over there and take care of him" but my West Central tools kicked in and I did not go.  I let him go through this alone. I told her the seriousness of my father's drinking and that when she got home she needed to pack her bags and leave. She did not heed my warning. She will learn for herself. Her and I would talk every once in a while and I was always friendly with her when I would speak to my father. 

Well, she is now pregnant. 15 weeks along. And, I am shocked, embarrassed, and disgusted... but some part of me is a little happy. I am confused as to what to do and confused if I should open up communication with my father again. My first thought is why would SHE knowing how he is want to bring a baby into the world knowing he is a drunk and that makes me mad at her. She acts like we do not exist that he never had a life before. When I say we I mean my brother and I. When I was going through taking care of my father... my brother was going thru not having a father. We were going through a similar thing but alone... my fear is that my dad will mess up again, she will leave him.. and my baby brother/sister will be alone and have many unanswered questions about their father. It's lonely when your going through a very traumatic thing such as having an addicted parent. My prayer is this does not happen. My prayer is that they have a boy so the baby will not grow up and have my dad (like I did) and become a daddy's little girl and want to protect him like I did. Then, my fear is that he will step up to the plate be the dad he never was.... and I would hold resentments towards my brother/sister for having a father that I did not. I would be happy the baby was not going to grow up with no father... but a little hurt at the same time. 

I am thinking of all these feelings and trying to process all of this. I know that if I did not open communication and my brother/sister found me in 10 years and wanted questions I would damn sure have all the answers. I prayed all day yesterday between anxiety, and puking. I know I will be delivered the right answer in time. The shock was too much to handle. 

My emotions are better today. I woke up and got my work out in, and took a shower and actually ate something. 

Any advice or suggestions would be helpful. What do you think? If you knew what you mom/dad was like and they were having a baby but you had little communication with your mom/dad how would you handle this?

Until next time... xoxoxo