Stronger

So, last blog I was hit with what I call devastating news. After writing the blog I felt much better. I picked this quote today because my father having a baby is not "killing" me so in the end I will be stronger because of this. I am still devastated and worried about the baby... but there is nothing I can do about it. I am a strong woman that can fight anything coming my way. I am not saying I am almighty because trust me I have my days where I feel totally weak... even 6 years later I still have my days where I feel like "I could use just once and it would be okay tomorrow" but it won't. What would that solve-NOTHING! 

When my dad told me this I will admit I started looking back. I started thinking if there was something I could do to change it... like I always have of course it never changed it but I felt that I was changing it. If that makes sense... if you have read my blogs from the start you would understand the VERY strong effect my father has on me and my emotions. And, if you know me personally then you know how weak he can make me. The next day from finding out I puked off and on that day. Crying.. emotional... and felt like a total bum. I can feel that way sometimes it's if I pick myself back up that I am stronger because of it. And I did. I was using the bathroom (peeing for all that care haha) and I prayed... I prayed for him to release my anxiety, to show me the right way, to give me something to show me what I should do. The minute I prayed my heart was not pounding anymore I felt the release of my anxiety. I thought to myself "really Lord-I will pray right away then wait all day" He heard me. He is still seeing how I handle this though because he has not yet told me the direction to take. I am leaning more towards... keep the communication with my father to e-mails still and if my brother/sister have questions they can find me and I will provide the accurate answers. 

One way I deal with things after the hurt, sadness, and pity where's off is I laugh. I laugh, and laugh, and laugh... it's my coping mechanism. Sure it's a cover up for the time being but what better medicine than to laugh. So, to get a good laugh out of this whole thing I kindly e-mailed my father and told him I would be sending him Huggies, Pampers, and Wipe coupons in the mail. 3 days later I got an e-mail that Babies R Us was having a huge 2 days sale the Subject line wrote "Pampers diapers, wipes, bouncers and MORE-Mega-2-day sale come in" so I forwarded it to my dad. Yeah it's little and it's petty but it gives me a little satisfaction. 

The day after I found out and I prayed about this I thought I have set this wall up with him and kept building this wall with my boundaries and he will NOT tear them down. I cannot sit here and think I was not a good daughter because I was... I took care of YOU while you were drunk... I watched as you got arrested... I watched as you not only destroyed your life but my life and my brother's life. This is why it is so HARD to know he is having a BABY! A tiny innocent precious child that he DOES NOT deserve!!!! That wall was NOT knocked down that day... but I can tell you that I did have fears it would.

I love this quote. I am strong, I have dignity and sometimes I can laugh thru my greatest fears. 

One day when the baby is born... I will write a letter on my blog to the baby-maybe sooner than delivery... maybe after... maybe a couple letters. That is the only thing I can do... I will not let YOU tear my down AGAIN!!! 

:) Until Next Time... xoxoxo