Part II A Total Mess

        So, my cousin calls... November 3, 2007 and I am to be in court in TWO DAYS!!!! Holy cow.. what is going on? My heart is beating out of my chest, I am pregnant and scared to death  all this stress is going to make me have a miscarriage... and it is not like I can procrastinate anything because I have to fly to Ohio in 2 days to appear in court on a FELONY charge. A felony? Hell, I do not even have a seat belt violation, and now I have a felony. I'm thinking they will go light, right? I mean I am pregnant, and I have been clean for a year and a half... so, it should be all good. I call my mom and tell her the news I have just received and I honestly know we were both in shock, I was terrified to tell Gary because we had just found we have a precious baby coming, and a new relationship that is so healthy for me. All this was a blur of how people got told, and the shock we are all in. 
   My biggest thing still was trying to figure out where that kilo was that I supposedly trafficked into a different country because I still did not know where this had come from.. the more I thought about the situation and the whole charge 4th Degree Felony Trafficking in Cocaine 1,000 feet from a school-oh, so it had to have been that one time... no no no that was pot I sold... okay, so maybe it was this time that my "best-friend" from high school called me on the phone and told me she had just got done dealing with Children Services and it was her husband and her's anniversary and they just wanted to have some fun, and get high. Well I wanted to get high too... so I overcharged her, got my $ got her cocaine and that was that. However, I knew in my heart/mind that before I sold her the cocaine she had a wire on. After she left I called my friend and said "Kim just wore a wire on me" she did not believe me. *It was an eight ball I sold*
   It really went like this... She called, I agreed, she kept calling me for 2 hours every 30 minutes and that is what really caught me off guard to be honest-but I agreed because like any addict they want their fix too. She came over and we had to leave and go get it...the whole situation was just really off to me. She said it was a surprise for her husband so he dropped her off in the front of the complex and she walked over. She called me by name... so we got back and before we had got out of the car I looked at my roommate and said "I'm going to tell her to do a line with me if she does not she is wearing a wire on me" I did ask, she said no... and I still gave it to her!! 
    So, here we are... 2 days before felony court got to buy 2 plane tickets to Ohio-my mom was with me through this whole experience, as was my step-father, future husband (still not married yet), and the precious baby in my belly that had to go through all this also. My mom and I arrive in Ohio to talk to my attorney, he explains the whole process. My attorney is telling me everything.. such as you may not get to return to Florida the Judge could make you stay in Ohio until all court proceedings are over. No no no no no I told him I am getting married in ONE month, I will refuse... he said my life was now in the judicial system. The judicial system.. I mean I have always respected, honored, and been an upstanding citizen.. remember no seat belt violations is that not even enough? Obviously not... 
   We got into court... this HUGE building, a big room like you see on Law & Order a Judge's bench, witness stand, defense side, prosecuting side, juror seats...and seats in the back for all to watch this happen. This is unreal.. I had to wait for my Case # to be called 07-CR-0164 my attorney told me to plea not guilty so I did. My attorney asked that I return to Florida, that I am pregnant and whatever else... I was granted that. I was to report back to court in a month too see if I plead guilty under circumstances worked out by the Prosecutor and my attorney. 
   December 12, 2007-Back to court this was for my sentence recommendation the State (Prosecuting Attorney) and my attorney were to work out. Here are the stipulations

• 3 years community control, if I violate 12 months prison
• Defendant completed Talbot Hall 
• 200 hours community service
• No fire arms
• Driver's license suspended
• Pay the cost of investigation, and prosecution, jail costs, restitution, and $5 monthly for drug testing
  
  So, I plead guilty to my charge... I was then told to come back January 9, 2008 for my sentencing of the agreement above. I felt very confident... I can continue on with my wedding and know their is possibly no prison time sitting on the table for me. I get married to my other half, my best friend, my rock...go on our honeymoon, have Christmas... Happy New year !! Still pregnant... and back to court.

January 9, 2009- I got into court for my sentencing with $100 in my bra for good measure that my attorney said "The judge can do whatever he wants in this case he can disregard our recommendation and send you to jail and then prison I always tell my clients to put $100 wherever so when they get to jail they can put that on their books" Books? Is this bidding time? So, my mom hands me $100... and now I am seriously about to shit my pants... Walk in... Court case number 07-CR-0164 State of Ohio vs. Abby Davis here we go...

  The judge is late...? Really? OK, so he comes on the stand and I feel like at this point I am on death row waiting nervously. My court was weird because the Judge on the stand had said he HEARD I relapsed.. wait, excuse me did I hear you wrong? You "HEARD" I relapsed who the hell are you talking about MY case with was my first reaction after processing all of this stuff that just happened. I stood up and said "Your honor I have not relapsed" he then told me to sit back down (I have to tape also)... he then asks me "Ms. Davis, why has it taken you 2 years to get your G.E.D., seems we have incompetency?" My response "Your honor Math is a really hard subject for me so I got all the other subjects out of the way and have been working on my math, but am getting ready to take my G.E.D. test in April"... wait, did he just say that I was incompetent? I think he did... I was told I could say one last thing to the Judge before he handed me my ass whoopen "Your honor, I am pregnant, newly married and am a different person than I once was-I am working on my G.E.D., working full-time, this will cause me to go around the people that I have tried so hard to stay away from if you sentence me to prison"... Keep in my mind... My precious baby in my belly is going through this all with me

   Here we go... my sentence "The court finds the defendant has been convicted of Count I Trafficking in Cocaine it is ordered the defendant be placed upon Community Control for a period of three years, upon the following terms and conditions:

• Defendant pay court costs with 365 days 
• Perform 200 hours community service within 365 days of sentence, 20 hours a week (unless delayed due to childbirth or pregnancy)
•  Defendant to pay all costs of investigation, and prosecution
• Defendant is to report to Probation office following this court proceeding, and to report every 30 days 
• Obtain and maintain employment
• Bond released
• Random drug tests and participate in any mental health or drug/alcohol classes provided by probation department
• No drinking, drugs...
• Provide DNA and fingerprints
• $1,000.00 fine
• Driver's license suspended
• As an added condition of Probation the defendant should undergo an assessment with West Central Community Correctional Facility, and if defendant is admitted should return to Ohio 5 days after her doctors medical release after childbirth (remember, Im pregnant) after a time and date will be given to report to Tri-County Jail for 4 days before entering West Central Community Correctional Facility. Defendant is to reside and complete West Central Community Correctional Facility; release date is determined by West Central staff but shall not exceed 180 days. 
• Obtain G.E.D. within 365 days from sentencing
• Defendant to pay restitution in the amount of $180 (the same amount the girl gave me)

So, here I am... just about 4 months pregnant... going back to Florida to my new life I had created... my precious baby in my belly that has no idea his mother is going to leave just 5-6 weeks after giving birth. I am still shocked that a Judge could ever do this... my son and I now have an awkward relationship-there is no bond that a mother gets the first couple months of giving birth, his daddy and him have that... which is fine, it's great but it's still heartbreaking and sad to only be reminded everyday that our bond is nothing like it should be.... 

I give birth June 26, 2008 to a beautiful 8lb. 12 oz. 20 1/2 inches long... baby boy and we named him Sean Nicholas Beaulieu. He was perfect... chubby, but perfect... gave me a run for my money while pushing I was bargaining with the doctor about when he was going to get to vacuum his head was just like his fathers (big) haha!! On, July 25, 2008 the papers arrived... You are to report to Tri County Jail in Mechanicsburg, Ohio on August 15th for 4 days to report to West Central Community Correctional Facility on August 18th 2008. I really thought it would all go away... they would forget about sending me papers my sentencing was 6 months ago... but here they were in my hands... my baby crying in the background, Im crying.. and my husband is about to take on something he never thought would ever happen... Take care of a baby all by himself (with the help of his mom, and my mom of course)... 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel... but for now it will be dark until I come back to write:)

Back to Florida

So, here I am 7 days later on my way home from Ohio. It was really weird to go outside the first time because everything was so bright, and much more clear. The grass was almost greener, the sky a little bluer, and the sun was shining so bright. I remember saying that too... it was a whole different atmosphere. I stayed at Beth's house for a couple days and then my mom and Grandparents came up for a funeral. 


Finally arriving home my step father sat down and had a long talk with me. This was the first time we had actually spoken and been around each other. I knew the minute that he said he would help me with rehab that he was much different than my father. He explained to me that I would have rules, listen to whatever my mom had to say to me, and do as I was told. I did do as I was told... my mom (Bless her) had did the "I'm going to show her some tough love and not speak to her" which was just what I needed apparently she did do the right thing. See, after my parents divorced my father was feeding me with all this bullshit about my mother and I couldn't even stand the thought of her. Sad right? I would give anything now to have those memories back with my mother. 


So, my mother and I are trying to build back our relationship... this one time she came and picked me up at my ex-boyfriends house I had just taken 2 Dilaudid pills and we were off to Cleveland... not before having her pull over numerous times so that I could puke. She knew something was wrong, and I think she said something to me but I don't really remember. When I was 13 I ran away... I was grounded and left her a note on her bed while she was at the mall and took off. I'll never forget that night. 


So, anyways I am home now in Florida.. still May 2006 and the next day I am to start work at my Grandparents business. I have always loved going in their, and everybody knew about the problems I was going through so it is not like I had to sit and actually explain all of my problems about where I had been. Some of them asked, some did not...but I am sure it was the talk around about "what was she really using" I know at one point it was Heroin and I have never touched that. So, I am working 8 hours a day... 40 days a week and giving my paychecks to my mother; basically I was on house arrest but needed it. I was not allowed to call anybody on the phone, go on the computer (except at work), and was limited to the who I could hang around with. I started hanging out with my Aunt Lisa and the kids (Kylie, Kenton, and Kolton) a lot and going over to her house while my Uncle was out. We had fun... 


After about 6 months my mother and step-dad put me on a budget of $50 a week and had to buy my cigarettes, and whatever else I needed with that money. I was saving up to buy my car which I eventually did get. I would go to meetings but am the type that I am going to do this on my own, which I might also add not many can. I am not bolstering about this but I did not feel that going to meetings was going to help in my recovery. Remember, every bodies recovery is different and not one person is the same at all. So, just because I did not want to attend does not mean that it will not work for another. 


I ended up meeting a really amazing man during my journey of sobriety in September of 2006. He was older, handsome, head on straight, had structure everything that I really needed at that time (and still do). I have known Gary since well let's just say I have been head over heels for Gary for many many many years. He took me to dinner on our first date Steak and Al and it was awesome. From there it was all over and our future was starting.The first thing I had to do though was get this woman that he dated for 7 years out of the picture; they did have two dogs together but she left them and they were mine now. They say do not date until you have had 1 year sobriety, but he came along and if I did not grab him up when I had the chance I did not think I would ever get this man. I am a determined woman and will get what I want:) 


So, our first year was really rocky... I was just discovering who I was again, and he already knew himself. So, in this point in my life I am tense, uneasy about life, and discovering myself...trying to feel things that I have never felt. The one negative thing was I never got right into counseling to really work out the issues from the pain listed in my previous blog (self-esteem issues, father issues, relationship with my mom) of course everything worked out...Until later who knew that right around the corner I would eventually be indicted on a drug charge and HAVE to do this all over again. 


Until next time... 

Rehab

I have been sitting here debating on how to start a blog, where to begin... do I tell you about me and who I am or do I start off with whatever is on my mind. 


I'll start with my recovery process and how I knew I was addicted to drugs, and what made me want to actually get help.

It was the month of May in 2006 spring up in Ohio and I was very heavy into using drugs at this point in my life. I started smoking pot at 12, drank a little bit, but when I found pain pills it was like I was a different person. I felt good, happy, amazing, all those feelings that come with taking your first pill. I had such low self-esteem about everything in my life, I don't know why I knew I was pretty but did not feel pretty. I was always the type to have a smile on my face but deeply hurting inside. When something was bothering me I acted stupid, silly, hyper, and said the craziest things to hide the pain. 


The pain of leaving Galion, Ohio where all my friends from preschool were, the house I adored so much on Hessenauer Drive, the funeral home that was mostly my second home, having sleepovers, playing in my best friends basement for hours on end. The pain of my parents fighting, my father being an alcoholic, and the realization that nothing will ever be the same for us who lived in Galion, Ohio on Hessenauer Drive. The For Sale sign was up so it was eventually going to happen, but why? Just because dad wanted too... to hide from what he had done, to not be the talk of the town... I dont know but leaving Galion was the hardest thing that I have ever gone through.


You see, Galion was not like any typical suburban neighborhood, or town... it was one big family especially Hessenauer Drive. We protected, watched out, and had the times of our lives on that road. So, that was the pain I was running from... and when taking my first pain pill I never had to think about any of that pain ever again; I did not have to go through each day thinking of the moment my life changed forever I could finally move on. I had no idea at the time what drugs would do to, but I knew for sure what alcohol would do and I knew I did not want to be like that. 


I went to rehab May 17, 2006 trying to leave the drug infested person I had become. I did not even know who I was weighing 90 pounds a couple things I did know was how angry, filled with pain, low self-esteem, but I did not know why or how I had got to where I was. I will never blame anyone for my addiction because it was my choice to snort my first pill. It was back on Landon Rd. in Richwood, Ohio and I was just turning 17 so I was still 16 at the time. It was heaven, pure joy; or what I thought was pure joy and heaven... now I know what pure joy really is after being sober.


So, that was my first time taking a pill... it eventually progressed to where I felt pain everyday I did not have a pain pill... yes, the hurting pain I talked about before but also the pain in my body artificial pain the kind where addicts think they are in pain but are not they just need that fix. I overdosed a couple times, never serious to go get my stomach pumped but it still never made me stop. I was literally on the couch barely breathing... but the people around me were telling me that if I was puking I was going to be okay. My ex-boyfriend was disappointed in me... probably because he did not get that high. The next time I overdosed I had been up smoking crack for days and days and my legs started turning purple and I could not stop starring. So, I just jumped in the shower for literally a whole hour and a half and started right back up again. I was once again okay.... and back at it again. 


The whole time I was using drugs I never had a job and if I did it was for a day or two and then I would run out of pills so I could not go to work. Since I never had a job you may wonder how did I get my pills? Well, my ex-boyfriend had the supply eventually that got old to him so I would do what I had to do.. and NO I never sold my body for drugs that I do know. Most of the things I do not remember, or people will tell me what I did... like, my friend Teirra telling me that I was in her car one day and a Oxycontin fell out of my pocket and I was nodding out in her backseat. Defiantly do not remember that... 


I went to rehab at Talbot Hall in Columbus, Ohio all thanks to my mother, step-dad, and Beth and Julie for picking me up that day. I had been smoking crack still that day..so my first clean day was May 18th, 2006. (Beth & Julie if your reading this, now you know why I would not even touch my food at Bob Evans). You know why my dad wasn't there.. because he said "I didn't know the people you were hanging out with, or where I was going" it still doesn't matter what he says as to why when I needed him the most he was not there. 


See, the story with my father is... I was the parent from 14-19 thinking I had to take care of him skipping out on my childhood. It is nobodys fault why I did what I did. I have always just had a soft spot for people that are feeling lonely, or are lonely. It gives me anxiety to think that anybody feels lonely, or is sad and alone. That is the worst feeling in the world. I was so stuck on helping him that nothing else mattered not even school. When I was just a little girl and we had first moved down to Florida I always had to be around my father because I knew something was wrong. But, I was always the first (and still am) on pointing out when he is drinking. At 11, I showed my mother where all his Vodka bottles were... sad, right? Not for anybody but my father.. He lost everything to never have it back.


So, I go to rehab and am doing my assessment thinking they have to take me today because if I have to go back to Julie or Beth's house withdrawing from drugs they will never want to speak to me again, and when they fall asleep I will be out the door walking to find my next fix. I was already manipulating, and thinking of what I was going to be doing if a bed was not ready. I wanted to be there... but I also knew that right around the corner from Talbot Hall was the dealer  that my friends knew and I could go to also. So, we do the assessment the woman goes upstairs to find NO BEDS. I was in desperate need of a bed. As we gathered my belongings heading for the rotating doors the woman comes out and says "Wait wait.. God must be looking out for you because I have a bed" I knew right then that everything that I had did on May 17, 2006 from making the phone calls, to getting a ride was worth doing and something amazing was going to come out of this. And it did, and it is still happening...


So, my first night in Rehab all I wanted to do was sleep but of course I could not. So I sat in the smokers lounge getting to know my fellow addicts. I had a roommate... cannot remember her name but I will never forget her, or her story. See the thing with us addicts is we all have a story, many sound the same... but they are unique in their own way and each addicts story affects another differently. My story may touch one, rather than another... and that is okay as long as I am reaching out. 


By the way, I have A.D.D. so my blogs could be rambles at times... but I will eventually get back on track. 


So, the first night in rehab was okay... I got pills to sleep, and to relive the withdrawals and the next day I slept all day because before this I had been up literally for 7 days doing all kinds of drugs. And the next 7 days that I was in their... was HELL. I hated every minute of them telling me what I could and could not do, when I could sleep, and when I had to go downstairs to a meeting; wait until you hear about my incarceration experience. They discharged me... and a good thing because my Grandparents best friend of years passed away and they were coming up to the funeral so my mom would come and pick me up too. So, now I am back to Florida.....


Till' the next time!!