Giving Birth and Going away

June 26, 2008 my beautiful baby boy was born. It was a long process and one I thought I would never get through. We make it home and life is perfect... as perfect as it can be when your whole entire past is literally creeping up on you, as it was me. I decided to breastfeed because who knew maybe the court system in Ohio didn't remember what happened January 9, 2008. I ended up giving up after 3 weeks.. the baby was not getting enough, and my boobs were killing me (just last week we found out he was tongue tied explains the whole breastfeeding thing). A week later July 25, 2008 I receive notice that in 21 days I am to pack up my belongings, and fly to Ohio leaving behind everything I have created for 2 years now. 

I make arrangements for Sean with my mom, and Gary's mother. They had a whole plan worked out... Gary's mom stayed 7 or 10 days and then my mom took him during the day, and Gary picked Sean up after work. Seems chaotic, but it was a pretty smooth process. The only one feeling any of this was me I felt... I know everybody was sad, and trying to so hard to give me words of encouragement, but at the time I am a brand-new mommy to the most beautiful baby boy... I am a brand-new wife to a handsome man. And, here I am... leaving AGAIN... I felt like I was betraying my mother again, all over again... See, after my parents divorced not only was my father feeding me all that bullshit about my mom but I was going through my teenage rebellious stages. The summer that I turned 14 I went to Ohio to live with my father, the same year that I got kicked out of Highlands Christian Academy. So, I left to be with my father who I thought could provide me such a better life than my mom (who was I kidding). As previously mentioned my father is an alcoholic who has never received the help he should be. So, I always felt protective of my father to take care of him and I did. Eventually I met this guy that pulled me out of the house... not that the house I was going to was any better but at least I did not have the stress of a drunk all the time. I remember their was a time he was drunk for 3 weeks straight... one day I came home from school and there he was bottle of Vodka on his chest, eyes open... partially breathing... I remember screaming, throwing, and hitting him to wake him up. I finally got some cold water and threw it on him-I skipped 10 1/2 days of school that time and ended up dropping out it was more of a withdrawal but whatever. I was so mean to my mom and today it hurts me more than anybody could ever imagine.. so I very much felt like I was betraying my mother when leaving to go to Ohio again.

Before leaving I had to have a whole ton clothes... 10 pairs of everything, and a pair of white shoes and could not be more than 60% of a different color. So, I had 10 bras... 10 granny panty underwear, 10 white t-shirts, 10 jeans, 10 tube socks...no necklaces, jewelry except a band if married, no earrings, pretty much keep your possessions at the door. My mom and I went to wal-mart and purchased my products... I decided to pack it up in this green suitcase and that would be my travel bag. It would eventually end up staying in a dark closet down the hall from where my actual bed was. 

August 14 came and went... and I was in Ohio. I remember the day I left... it was a mess a total mess. Everybody was crying... the tears and emotions were too much to handle. And, here my precious baby boy.... not even knowing what was going on just sitting in his swing... August 15th was here and my mom took me to the jail at 9AM we had no idea what we were doing. My mom dropping me off at jail... this is unreal. I get booked in.. have to clean my hair with this lice stuff (the C.O. didn't make me use it). Got my picture taken... and I went to my cot. I was on the felony side... where the doors close at 10pm and lights are out... except it was so full I was in a bunk on the outside with 4 other girls. I always fit in everywhere I go.. so why would I not fit in where I should fit in, the other people that are just like me... This whole thing is still freaking me out because technically I have been out of touch with the street life for 2 years now and I am returning to put my game face on... is that what this is going to be like? Big mean girls... and tiny little ol' Abby. We played Uno, read books, wrote letters, learned how to make Jolly Rancher hair spray, communicate with the other side of the girl section..I knew some people in their so it kind of helped a little. On Saturday night we all set our mattresses outside and watched The Note Book... they let us stay up a little later. My dad (the only time he has fully supported me in ANYTHING) and my best friend (who supports me in everything) came to visit me that weekend. I told them I would never wear Orange again orange stripped shirt, orange stripped pants, with bright orange shoes... and orange is my favorite color. LOL!!  I was giddy... hyper like I was at home... why? Because I was in so much pain...

Monday August 18, 2008 I was transported from Tri County Jail in Mechanicsburg, Ohio to West Central Community Correctional Facility in Marysville, Ohio. My name was called... it was about lunch time and I was told to gather my belongings so I did. When I got out in the area to be transported they cuffed me... my hands, and my ankles.. and I was making bargains with the officer that I was not like all these other girls I won't run. Now when I think about saying that... I think "Not like these other girls, yes you are".. I am not better than them, I am the same as them... a felony, a baby at home.. I felt like the scum of the earth. So, here I am.. on this 45 minute drive to Marysville, Ohio and we pull up to the doors... I saw 3 people Mr. Hunt, Ms. Coble, and Ms. Nicol.. Mr. Hunt and Ms. Nicol were in red shirts with walky talkies... and Ms. Coble wearing a blue shirt. It was cold... I was the only intake that day because they tried to say I was special... and I was thinking special all right wait till' I let my anger out on this place. 

At the time I did not know these people doing my in-take... but soon they would become the woman that made me a very strong individual. The whole environment, the whole program... made me a different person. I had my suitcase... all my clothes, and I thought I would be able to bring my own books but I guess not. I was told to go in the bathroom.. pee in a cup, squat and cough (whoa whoa whoa excuse me)... put on this red scrub outfit and put this lice stuff in my hair (this time they made me do it)... I got a little laundry bag with deodorant, a hair brush, gel, 3 envelopes, a towel, a washcloth, and whatever else was in that bag. I just wanted my green suitcase... and I wanted my baby boy... my husband, and especially my mother.  

The worst part of this whole thing was... I had just started my period from the baby and it was bad (sorry for the gruesome details) and all this place had was teeny tiny pads. I called my mom that night and balled my eyes out about how tiny those pads were, and how this place was crazy... I had to stand in front of all these girls and tell them WHO I WAS... and I had a big sister that would tell me the rules, and how to make my bed (which I never mastered still)... when to pee, eat, snack, drink... this story is about to get even more interesting. And I could think about was... nobody tells me what to do! 

I will add one thing.. I tried so hard not to think about my life at home because I would have been broken more than I already was. When I first got to West Central I had to sit on this bench and I just starred at this board with all these names on it... balling my eyes out the kind where you just want to get on your knees curl in a ball and just break..Remember, I am still good at my protecting my feelings.. eventually one day in West Central I will break, but a good break...an ah-ha moment is what we called it.

Next, I will explain the program I was in for 4 1/2 months, the food we ate... my growth... and a journal entry from West Central:)

Come back soon!

Back to Florida

So, here I am 7 days later on my way home from Ohio. It was really weird to go outside the first time because everything was so bright, and much more clear. The grass was almost greener, the sky a little bluer, and the sun was shining so bright. I remember saying that too... it was a whole different atmosphere. I stayed at Beth's house for a couple days and then my mom and Grandparents came up for a funeral. 


Finally arriving home my step father sat down and had a long talk with me. This was the first time we had actually spoken and been around each other. I knew the minute that he said he would help me with rehab that he was much different than my father. He explained to me that I would have rules, listen to whatever my mom had to say to me, and do as I was told. I did do as I was told... my mom (Bless her) had did the "I'm going to show her some tough love and not speak to her" which was just what I needed apparently she did do the right thing. See, after my parents divorced my father was feeding me with all this bullshit about my mother and I couldn't even stand the thought of her. Sad right? I would give anything now to have those memories back with my mother. 


So, my mother and I are trying to build back our relationship... this one time she came and picked me up at my ex-boyfriends house I had just taken 2 Dilaudid pills and we were off to Cleveland... not before having her pull over numerous times so that I could puke. She knew something was wrong, and I think she said something to me but I don't really remember. When I was 13 I ran away... I was grounded and left her a note on her bed while she was at the mall and took off. I'll never forget that night. 


So, anyways I am home now in Florida.. still May 2006 and the next day I am to start work at my Grandparents business. I have always loved going in their, and everybody knew about the problems I was going through so it is not like I had to sit and actually explain all of my problems about where I had been. Some of them asked, some did not...but I am sure it was the talk around about "what was she really using" I know at one point it was Heroin and I have never touched that. So, I am working 8 hours a day... 40 days a week and giving my paychecks to my mother; basically I was on house arrest but needed it. I was not allowed to call anybody on the phone, go on the computer (except at work), and was limited to the who I could hang around with. I started hanging out with my Aunt Lisa and the kids (Kylie, Kenton, and Kolton) a lot and going over to her house while my Uncle was out. We had fun... 


After about 6 months my mother and step-dad put me on a budget of $50 a week and had to buy my cigarettes, and whatever else I needed with that money. I was saving up to buy my car which I eventually did get. I would go to meetings but am the type that I am going to do this on my own, which I might also add not many can. I am not bolstering about this but I did not feel that going to meetings was going to help in my recovery. Remember, every bodies recovery is different and not one person is the same at all. So, just because I did not want to attend does not mean that it will not work for another. 


I ended up meeting a really amazing man during my journey of sobriety in September of 2006. He was older, handsome, head on straight, had structure everything that I really needed at that time (and still do). I have known Gary since well let's just say I have been head over heels for Gary for many many many years. He took me to dinner on our first date Steak and Al and it was awesome. From there it was all over and our future was starting.The first thing I had to do though was get this woman that he dated for 7 years out of the picture; they did have two dogs together but she left them and they were mine now. They say do not date until you have had 1 year sobriety, but he came along and if I did not grab him up when I had the chance I did not think I would ever get this man. I am a determined woman and will get what I want:) 


So, our first year was really rocky... I was just discovering who I was again, and he already knew himself. So, in this point in my life I am tense, uneasy about life, and discovering myself...trying to feel things that I have never felt. The one negative thing was I never got right into counseling to really work out the issues from the pain listed in my previous blog (self-esteem issues, father issues, relationship with my mom) of course everything worked out...Until later who knew that right around the corner I would eventually be indicted on a drug charge and HAVE to do this all over again. 


Until next time...