This is my recovery month. In 6 short days I will have 6 years clean. I still take it one day at a time but have faith, confidence, and knowledge to know that I will make it to my 6 years anniversary date. I have been reflecting a lot this month. About my recovery and what IF that bed had not come available. You see, the woman that did my intake at Talbot Hall in Columbus, Ohio told me no beds were available until the next day and she was unsure then if a bed would come available. When she told me that I immediately thought like an addict because I was still high on crack and pills when I went to rehab that day. Not only high on crack and pills, but I also had not been to bed for about 5-6 days. I was malnourished and had no hopes in myself. I weighed 85 pounds! I thought "Well, if I leave here I have to go back out there because I cannot be dope sick". The family members that picked me up that day (thank God they did) had no idea about drug addiction and I feared going back to their house to have them witness exactly what I would go through on their couch. I was tired, angry, an addict admitting I was an addict, and somebody that was VERY sick looking. (Remember I am ADD so my thoughts are all over).
I remember shooting up a pill and going on our last crack run...for me anyways my last crack run. We got home we each had our crack and I still had another half of a pill to help with my come down. What is crazy is that crack had a total opposite effect on me because of my A.D.D. it would calm me while the people around me were running around like they were in a marathon I was relaxing on the couch. When I took my last hit I went in the bathroom to shoot up my last pill. When I shut the door I looked in the mirror... I did not see "Abby" I did not see myself. This is what I saw:
I saw a scared girl, high on crack and pills... I saw a girl that had dark circles around her eyes. I saw my neck bones sticking out, my ribs were sticking out. I remember shooting that pill up sitting on the floor and crying. I just sat there and cried and cried. I turned the shower on so nobody would hear and cried. I do not remember how long I sat there, or how long I cried. The next thing I did was walk to the nearest pay phone. My mom's office had a 1-800 # and I called her. She had not heard from me for at least a good year maybe even longer; she had no idea where I had been, what I was up too or anything. She answered and I just started crying (I could cry right now thinking about it). I was crying so hard she had no idea what I was saying so I hung up. I looked around at where I was standing and saw the run down apartments, the beat up cars around me.. and an old gas station across the street. I called my mom back after smoking a cigarette on the corner. If anybody saw me on the street that day they probably thought I escaped a mental ward (no joke). I called my mom back-I told her everything. From snorting pills, what type of pills, how I started shooting the pills after snorting them would not do anything for me. Who I was with, where I was, just everything. I told her at the end I needed help that I was an addict and I did not want to be like my father. I do not know what made my mom believe in me but she did. My mom told me that if I really wanted this that I had to make the phone calls for myself she would not do anything for me until I started the process. So I did. I called my dad to come pick me up in Columbus and take me to the same rehab he had went to at one point in his life he kindly told me "NO". His reason "I had no idea what situation you were going to put ME in" that's right he was not worried about me or my condition but about HIM (like always). I called my 1st cousin who works in Columbus he could not get away from work but could have picked me up after 5-that was not good enough. If I waited until 5pm I was sure that I would no longer have the ambition to go and admit myself. I then called my Aunt she did not answer... so I called 2 other relatives of mine on my mother's side. They had heard of drugs but I am certain never had they dealt with an addict. They did not even question when I asked them to come pick me up in the middle of the ghetto in Columbus to take me to rehab. In fact, they picked me up walked up to the door put my bags in the car... took me to Bob Evans (I did not eat that day) and then over to JCPenny to get me some clothes for rehab. I was thankful... so thankful for them. My dad thought I would be going down guns blazing or something. If I really thought somebody would come out shooting I would have never put anybody in that situation and my father knows that. That is besides the point he is worthless and never has done ONE thing for me. So, really yes it hurt me.. but I was use to that.
So, as I was saying the intake counselor telling me there was no bed but that I defiantly needed some help was heartbreaking. As we were walking out of those double doors, across the street... here came the woman behind us running saying "Abby Abby Abby please wait" so I turned around and there she was... her hair was scattered, she was flailing her arms with papers in her hand. I started to walk toward her feeling totally defeated she says "Abby you can turn that frown upside down because you got a bed" I looked at my 2 family members that were with me and started crying. I hugged this woman so hard I was so very thankful. I could not believe that God did that. I asked her what happened to the person and she said "sometimes not everybody makes it, and sometimes people will just walk out because they do not want it-somebody was looking out for you today" I said "Yes they were because He knew I could not go back out on the streets tonight, and He knew the people with me did not need to see me detoxing". After much thinking about not having a bed, and then having a bed for me I realized that somebody was REALLY looking out for me. I do hope the person that left in clean and healthy today. I wanted it and God knew that. I wanted my life to be better and God knew that.
Somebody was believing in my that day-somebody knew I could do it. I had no idea what my new life was going to be like, or what rehab and medications I was going to have to take.. but I really did not care. I had been up for 5-6 days and I was SO ready for some sleep. When I got up to the rehab floor I was swiftly taken for blood pressure, medicine, and FOOD. I was not hungry and refused. The nurse said "I hope you are not one of those that come in here thinking they know it all" I kindly replied "No, I just need sleep". I slept that night and the next day almost 20 hours. 20 flippin hours!
I did not give up. I kept going and that is why I am where I am today. I am thankful, grateful, and appreciative everyday that I wake up for having that bed available because WHO KNOWS where I would be right now.
But I know I am where I am because I have not forgot where I was, I will forever remember those days before going to rehab... and I will forever be grateful.
This is the
Until next time... xoxo
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