Settled In

I am home finally and all settled in from a crazy place I once called home, and had so many sisters (something I have always wanted). I am enjoying the comfort of my own home, cooking, cleaning; we cleaned a lot in there but this time it was not on my hands and knees picking up hair, spraying Windex on the bathroom appliances to make sure not a smear was on there. My little baby boy was not so little anymore he was 6 months old and weighing about 20 pounds (if he wasn't it was close) those Grandmothers feed him well:)


I could not be more thankful for all those that stepped right in and helped Gary and Sean while I was gone. I felt so helpless, and had very little hope... but I knew deep inside they were well taken care of. I was unsure on how to be a mom... Yes, I was there the first 6 weeks but now he is bigger, sitting up, holding toys, you know all those firsts I missed he was doing. I was overwhelmed but thankful to be home. Yes, there were those thoughts of this is so much, and when can I go back to my sisters, and my family room 4...and on Friday's cooking in the kitchen and serving the staff and residents. No more of those...this time I was serving dinner to my boys, and being with my family for the first time!


I had a counselor in West Central who put her all into everything she did for us. She was always on our case, always telling us when we were messing up, when to get our shit straight, how to open up, be a woman, and face the problems to get well. She was awesome...and the very one that inspired me to be a Substance Abuse counselor. She impacted my life just as most of the staff did because each person in that place had a huge part in all of our journeys to become a better person, wife, girlfriend, friend, daughter, granddaughter, niece and so on. Not all of them were addicts, but some were and they could all relate like they had been there. Were they always on the same page not always but certainly knew when to stop badgering and just be there for us. They broke us down to build us up...was it sometimes very hard? Yes, because the whole staff knew deep down we could all succeed to become wonderful people outside of our drug fogged mind. My counselor knew just the right treatment plans, and she saved the best one for last... the treatment plan on my dad, because she had to break me down just a little before I left to make me strong against him again and not so weak. That was the hardest treatment plan... but it helped me to build that concrete wall so that he could never break thru.


My dad, see he is not a bad person..he's an alcoholic I don't know if you would call him a binge drinker, alcoholic, or what. He is the type that will go 6 months of working to saving his money to 6 months of drunkenness. The first 3 months he will be drunk, and the next 3 months he will be sobering up and once again on the hunt for a job to save up more money. I was always daddy's little girl, but remember as stated in previous blog that I am also the type that cannot stand for somebody to be alone, or even feel alone. It gives me anxiety to think that somebody feels that way. He had this way of manipulating me, blaming me, and laying guilt trips on me. When he is not drinking he's awesome, fun, funny, and a really great guy. He has always had this way of being able to get into my head, feeding me bullshit, and I would be eating it believing him. When I was 14 I went to live with my dad to help him, take care of him.. and from 13-19 I was back and fourth from Ohio to Florida. My mom would come pick me up because my dad would be drunk and I would start school in Florida and then leave again... I remember one family member telling me once that "he cannot handle a teenager" excuse me? Then he should not have had sex with my mother!! DUH... 


In February 2009 I decided to sign up for school online. My husband and I felt it was best for me to stay at home instead of daycare so I did. I started at the University of Phoenix majoring in Psychology and love learning something new everyday about myself, and others. I like the online experience of schooling I do not sit in a class all day long and listen to an instructor. I had A.D.D. I could possibly not sit still for that long. I am still going and have since transferred to Florida Institute of Technology majoring in Applied Psychology concentration in Clinical Psychology... and hope to one day get a second bachelors in Forensic Psychology. My whole goal is to be able to counsel addicts, but I also would love to work in a prison or an environment that I was in (Therapeutic Community). 


Sean (my son) is 3 years old now and a healthy big boy! He brightens my day every day, and knows just how to make me laugh. My mother in law told me that when I was not around she felt that Sean knew his mother was just not around. She said he never smiled, and was a very placid baby... but now mama is home and he is wild, crazy, clever, funny, and awesome to be around. He had the chance to live in the Bahamas while Gary husband was working over there, he loves the beach but sometimes the waves were a bit too high and he would get scared. It was beautiful, peaceful, and meet tons of awesome people...just not a place to live with a kid. 


My husband and I are now going on 5 years of being together, and 4 years of marriage. He is the best, and I am truly thankful for everything he does and is still doing for us each day. I knew the minute I saw Gary when I came back that if I did not take the opportunity and try this that I could possibly let the man of my dreams go... and I could not have that happen. He is just simply amazing and words cannot even describe how in love I am with him.

Until next time... 

Giving Birth and Going away

June 26, 2008 my beautiful baby boy was born. It was a long process and one I thought I would never get through. We make it home and life is perfect... as perfect as it can be when your whole entire past is literally creeping up on you, as it was me. I decided to breastfeed because who knew maybe the court system in Ohio didn't remember what happened January 9, 2008. I ended up giving up after 3 weeks.. the baby was not getting enough, and my boobs were killing me (just last week we found out he was tongue tied explains the whole breastfeeding thing). A week later July 25, 2008 I receive notice that in 21 days I am to pack up my belongings, and fly to Ohio leaving behind everything I have created for 2 years now. 

I make arrangements for Sean with my mom, and Gary's mother. They had a whole plan worked out... Gary's mom stayed 7 or 10 days and then my mom took him during the day, and Gary picked Sean up after work. Seems chaotic, but it was a pretty smooth process. The only one feeling any of this was me I felt... I know everybody was sad, and trying to so hard to give me words of encouragement, but at the time I am a brand-new mommy to the most beautiful baby boy... I am a brand-new wife to a handsome man. And, here I am... leaving AGAIN... I felt like I was betraying my mother again, all over again... See, after my parents divorced not only was my father feeding me all that bullshit about my mom but I was going through my teenage rebellious stages. The summer that I turned 14 I went to Ohio to live with my father, the same year that I got kicked out of Highlands Christian Academy. So, I left to be with my father who I thought could provide me such a better life than my mom (who was I kidding). As previously mentioned my father is an alcoholic who has never received the help he should be. So, I always felt protective of my father to take care of him and I did. Eventually I met this guy that pulled me out of the house... not that the house I was going to was any better but at least I did not have the stress of a drunk all the time. I remember their was a time he was drunk for 3 weeks straight... one day I came home from school and there he was bottle of Vodka on his chest, eyes open... partially breathing... I remember screaming, throwing, and hitting him to wake him up. I finally got some cold water and threw it on him-I skipped 10 1/2 days of school that time and ended up dropping out it was more of a withdrawal but whatever. I was so mean to my mom and today it hurts me more than anybody could ever imagine.. so I very much felt like I was betraying my mother when leaving to go to Ohio again.

Before leaving I had to have a whole ton clothes... 10 pairs of everything, and a pair of white shoes and could not be more than 60% of a different color. So, I had 10 bras... 10 granny panty underwear, 10 white t-shirts, 10 jeans, 10 tube socks...no necklaces, jewelry except a band if married, no earrings, pretty much keep your possessions at the door. My mom and I went to wal-mart and purchased my products... I decided to pack it up in this green suitcase and that would be my travel bag. It would eventually end up staying in a dark closet down the hall from where my actual bed was. 

August 14 came and went... and I was in Ohio. I remember the day I left... it was a mess a total mess. Everybody was crying... the tears and emotions were too much to handle. And, here my precious baby boy.... not even knowing what was going on just sitting in his swing... August 15th was here and my mom took me to the jail at 9AM we had no idea what we were doing. My mom dropping me off at jail... this is unreal. I get booked in.. have to clean my hair with this lice stuff (the C.O. didn't make me use it). Got my picture taken... and I went to my cot. I was on the felony side... where the doors close at 10pm and lights are out... except it was so full I was in a bunk on the outside with 4 other girls. I always fit in everywhere I go.. so why would I not fit in where I should fit in, the other people that are just like me... This whole thing is still freaking me out because technically I have been out of touch with the street life for 2 years now and I am returning to put my game face on... is that what this is going to be like? Big mean girls... and tiny little ol' Abby. We played Uno, read books, wrote letters, learned how to make Jolly Rancher hair spray, communicate with the other side of the girl section..I knew some people in their so it kind of helped a little. On Saturday night we all set our mattresses outside and watched The Note Book... they let us stay up a little later. My dad (the only time he has fully supported me in ANYTHING) and my best friend (who supports me in everything) came to visit me that weekend. I told them I would never wear Orange again orange stripped shirt, orange stripped pants, with bright orange shoes... and orange is my favorite color. LOL!!  I was giddy... hyper like I was at home... why? Because I was in so much pain...

Monday August 18, 2008 I was transported from Tri County Jail in Mechanicsburg, Ohio to West Central Community Correctional Facility in Marysville, Ohio. My name was called... it was about lunch time and I was told to gather my belongings so I did. When I got out in the area to be transported they cuffed me... my hands, and my ankles.. and I was making bargains with the officer that I was not like all these other girls I won't run. Now when I think about saying that... I think "Not like these other girls, yes you are".. I am not better than them, I am the same as them... a felony, a baby at home.. I felt like the scum of the earth. So, here I am.. on this 45 minute drive to Marysville, Ohio and we pull up to the doors... I saw 3 people Mr. Hunt, Ms. Coble, and Ms. Nicol.. Mr. Hunt and Ms. Nicol were in red shirts with walky talkies... and Ms. Coble wearing a blue shirt. It was cold... I was the only intake that day because they tried to say I was special... and I was thinking special all right wait till' I let my anger out on this place. 

At the time I did not know these people doing my in-take... but soon they would become the woman that made me a very strong individual. The whole environment, the whole program... made me a different person. I had my suitcase... all my clothes, and I thought I would be able to bring my own books but I guess not. I was told to go in the bathroom.. pee in a cup, squat and cough (whoa whoa whoa excuse me)... put on this red scrub outfit and put this lice stuff in my hair (this time they made me do it)... I got a little laundry bag with deodorant, a hair brush, gel, 3 envelopes, a towel, a washcloth, and whatever else was in that bag. I just wanted my green suitcase... and I wanted my baby boy... my husband, and especially my mother.  

The worst part of this whole thing was... I had just started my period from the baby and it was bad (sorry for the gruesome details) and all this place had was teeny tiny pads. I called my mom that night and balled my eyes out about how tiny those pads were, and how this place was crazy... I had to stand in front of all these girls and tell them WHO I WAS... and I had a big sister that would tell me the rules, and how to make my bed (which I never mastered still)... when to pee, eat, snack, drink... this story is about to get even more interesting. And I could think about was... nobody tells me what to do! 

I will add one thing.. I tried so hard not to think about my life at home because I would have been broken more than I already was. When I first got to West Central I had to sit on this bench and I just starred at this board with all these names on it... balling my eyes out the kind where you just want to get on your knees curl in a ball and just break..Remember, I am still good at my protecting my feelings.. eventually one day in West Central I will break, but a good break...an ah-ha moment is what we called it.

Next, I will explain the program I was in for 4 1/2 months, the food we ate... my growth... and a journal entry from West Central:)

Come back soon!