5/18/2006 - 5/18/2012

6 years ago.

6 years ago today

was the first day of my new life.

I was still Abby... 

I was still funny..kind.

Generous. 

This new Abby.. was an Addict.

I still had the same morals and values

I just had to find them again.

The journey there was not easy...

Just as the journey through my addiction was not easy.

A lot happened... tons of emotions...

Not one easy.

Just as the life of an addict is not easy. 

Year #

I completed Rehab.

Got a car with my own money (legal money LOL)

Met a man.

Found myself.

Had a job.

Living with my parents.

Moved out with my boyfriend.

Had stability. 

My days never changed-I was on a schedule 

I did the same thing every day.

Year #

This was my trying year. (In order)

Found out I was pregnant (September 2007).

Indicted on felony trafficking charges in Ohio living in Florida (October 2007).

Engaged & 1st court appearance. (November 2007)

Judge:How do you plea Ms. Davis?

Abby: Not guilty your honor

Never thought I would hear those words. 

Planning a wedding.

2nd court appearance (December 2007). This was the day I had to change my plea to guilty. 

Uncertain if the Judge would let me fly back home to Florida. 

3 months pregnant. Thankfully, able to fly home.

December 22, 2007 married the love of my life. In case any questions arise, I knew my husband long before I married him he had been a friend of the family for years... everything I needed I took the risk and fell in love.

Went on my honeymoon and had Christmas at his parents house (December 2007.

3rd court appearance (January 2008)-Judgement day.

My attorney and the prosecutor worked it out that I would get no prison time, or treatment except counseling in Florida and everything could be done in Florida. They did not think prison was the best solution because I had been gone from the lifestyle for a while maintaining sobriety, and I was pregnant. I also knew though that the Judge could say anything he wanted and deny anything he wanted.

I ended up getting Probation, community service hours, GED requirement... blah blah. But, the catch was 6 weeks after I had my baby I had to return to Ohio to attend a program for addicts. 

Shitty thing is... for 1/2 the year in Ohio taxpayers had to pay for me. I know crazy that's what I think about.

Rewind? 

What did you say?

Yes, leave my 1st born to attend a program in Ohio. Leave my baby in Florida and go to Ohio for SIX MONTHS!!!

After I left court that day I was to check in with a probation officer. I then had to get accepted into the state of Florida because of my felony charges and be assigned a probation officer here. 

I was then to go into the program I was to attend after the baby and get an assessment. 

So... from January to May I got ready for my baby boy. 

Year #

I had my baby boy 8lbs 12 oz at 5:48pm on

June 26th, 2008.

Precious.

Fulfillment in life.

If I did not have a reason to live then he WAS my reason. 

For 6 weeks, I did the mommy thing... 

breast-fed but for only 3 weeks; my mom and hubby's mom did not want him attached.

Tried to see him in every outfit I could. 

Took tons of pictures.

And cherished my 6 weeks with my little family.

Went to Jail (July 2008).

Went to the program (July 2008)

Went through hell came back... went through hell again

and came back.

I am still bitter about the situation having to leave my baby

but I am thankful I got to go to the program after all

it made me a better mother, wife, sister, daughter, niece, granddaughter.

I am forever thankful at times.

Released from the program (December 2008).

Just in time for a brand new year!!

Year #

Came home.

Stay at home mom.

Not going to lie at times I wanted so badly to go back where I was.

I was comfortable there.

A new mom with emotions like whoa.

A baby I never knew.

When I was away I would think of the book Where is my Mother?

About the bird and the baby bird can't find his mom.

After West Central I grew depressed. Isolated. Alone. Fearful of everything.

I enrolled in school for College in 2009.

The depression was still there.

I became fearful to get in my car afraid I would be taken away.

Started counseling.

Quit counseling. I had PTSD. 

She was helpful but nothing she said would change the fear I had to be the one to change it.

I would not go anywhere. I went to the store that is not even a mile from my house that's it.

Year #

Starting to grow.

Starting to figure myself out again. Regain control over my life.

See being in that place we were told what to do. When to do it. Basically, can I wipe my ass? Oh Ms. Davis you have to send a request up for that. 

It was an emotional boot camp. But, I grew to become familiar with that place at times I still wanted to go back. 

Took a family road trip for the first time to North Carolina.

Went on a girls only trip with my sister in laws.

Lived in the Bahamas.

Lost weight.

Starting loving myself again.

Year #

Today. In love. Full of life. Funny. Inspirational. Graduated with a Psychology degree.

Moving soon. Started a blog. Hopefully reaching that one person.

I feel big things coming for my life, my family... 

I am taking a trip to Vegas this year. 

I am going on another road trip with my husband and son.

Beach trips. Water Parks. 

Being a mom and wife more importantly

and living my life

because if I put pressure to live in the future it brings anxiety and depression.

If I live in the past then I am bringing up emotions I do not want to think about.

I only live for today.

Because this is my

Happy 6 loooong years:)

It's like having a birthday.

I was reflecting as I wrote.

Brings back many thoughts... maybe new blogs...

all in all

I am here today

I am happy.

I am alive.

Until next time....

I'm sorry there is NO BED available....

This is my recovery month. In 6 short days I will have 6 years clean. I still take it one day at a time but have faith, confidence, and knowledge to know that I will make it to my 6 years anniversary date. I have been reflecting a lot this month. About my recovery and what IF that bed had not come available. You see, the woman that did my intake at Talbot Hall in Columbus, Ohio told me no beds were available until the next day and she was unsure then if a bed would come available. When she told me that I immediately thought like an addict because I was still high on crack and pills when I went to rehab that day. Not only high on crack and pills, but I also had not been to bed for about 5-6 days. I was malnourished and had no hopes in myself. I weighed 85 pounds! I thought "Well, if I leave here I have to go back out there because I cannot be dope sick". The family members that picked me up that day (thank God they did) had no idea about drug addiction and I feared going back to their house to have them witness exactly what I would go through on their couch. I was tired, angry, an addict admitting I was an addict, and somebody that was VERY sick looking. (Remember I am ADD so my thoughts are all over). 

I remember shooting up a pill and going on our last crack run...for me anyways my last crack run. We got home we each had our crack and I still had another half of a pill to help with my come down. What is crazy is that crack had a total opposite effect on me because of my A.D.D. it would calm me while the people around me were running around like they were in a marathon I was relaxing on the couch. When I took my last hit I went in the bathroom to shoot up my last pill. When I shut the door I looked in the mirror... I did not see "Abby" I did not see myself. This is what I saw:

I saw a scared girl, high on crack and pills... I saw a girl that had dark circles around her eyes. I saw my neck bones sticking out, my ribs were sticking out. I remember shooting that pill up sitting on the floor and crying. I just sat there and cried and cried. I turned the shower on so nobody would hear and cried. I do not remember how long I sat there, or how long I cried. The next thing I did was walk to the nearest pay phone. My mom's office had a 1-800 # and I called her. She had not heard from me for at least a good year maybe even longer; she had no idea where I had been, what I was up too or anything. She answered and I just started crying (I could cry right now thinking about it). I was crying so hard she had no idea what I was saying so I hung up. I looked around at where I was standing and saw the run down apartments, the beat up cars around me.. and an old gas station across the street. I called my mom back after smoking a cigarette on the corner. If anybody saw me on the street that day they probably thought I escaped a mental ward (no joke). I called my mom back-I told her everything. From snorting pills, what type of pills, how I started shooting the pills after snorting them would not do anything for me. Who I was with, where I was, just everything. I told her at the end I needed help that I was an addict and I did not want to be like my father. I do not know what made my mom believe in me but she did. My mom told me that if I really wanted this that I had to make the phone calls for myself she would not do anything for me until I started the process. So I did. I called my dad to come pick me up in Columbus and take me to the same rehab he had went to at one point in his life he kindly told me "NO". His reason "I had no idea what situation you were going to put ME in" that's right he was not worried about me or my condition but about HIM (like always). I called my 1st cousin who works in Columbus he could not get away from work but could have picked me up after 5-that was not good enough. If I waited until 5pm I was sure that I would no longer have the ambition to go and admit myself. I then called my Aunt she did not answer... so I called 2 other relatives of mine on my mother's side. They had heard of drugs but I am certain never had they dealt with an addict. They did not even question when I asked them to come pick me up in the middle of the ghetto in Columbus to take me to rehab. In fact, they picked me up walked up to the door put my bags in the car... took me to Bob Evans (I did not eat that day) and then over to JCPenny to get me some clothes for rehab. I was thankful... so thankful for them. My dad thought I would be going down guns blazing or something. If I really thought somebody would come out shooting I would have never put anybody in that situation and my father knows that. That is besides the point he is worthless and never has done ONE thing for me. So, really yes it hurt me.. but I was use to that.

So, as I was saying the intake counselor telling me there was no bed but that I defiantly needed some help was heartbreaking. As we were walking out of those double doors, across the street... here came the woman behind us running saying "Abby Abby Abby please wait" so I turned around and there she was... her hair was scattered, she was flailing her arms with papers in her hand. I started to walk toward her feeling totally defeated she says "Abby you can turn that frown upside down because you got a bed" I looked at my 2 family members that were with me and started crying. I hugged this woman so hard I was so very thankful. I could not believe that God did that. I asked her what happened to the person and she said "sometimes not everybody makes it, and sometimes people will just walk out because they do not want it-somebody was looking out for you today" I said "Yes they were because He knew I could not go back out on the streets tonight, and He knew the people with me did not need to see me detoxing". After much thinking about not having a bed, and then having a bed for me I realized that somebody was REALLY looking out for me. I do hope the person that left in clean and healthy today. I wanted it and God knew that. I wanted my life to be better and God knew that.

Somebody was believing in my that day-somebody knew I could do it. I had no idea what my new life was going to be like, or what rehab and medications I was going to have to take.. but I really did not care. I had been up for 5-6 days and I was SO ready for some sleep. When I got up to the rehab floor I was swiftly taken for blood pressure, medicine, and FOOD. I was not hungry and refused. The nurse said "I hope you are not one of those that come in here thinking they know it all" I kindly replied "No, I just need sleep". I slept that night and the next day almost 20 hours. 20 flippin hours! 

I did not give up. I kept going and that is why I am where I am today. I am thankful, grateful, and appreciative everyday that I wake up for having that bed available because WHO KNOWS where I would be right now.

But I know I am where I am because I have not forgot where I was, I will forever remember those days before going to rehab... and I will forever be grateful.

This is the

Until next time... xoxo

What is Addiction?

How would you describe addiction to somebody that has no idea what addiction is.

I refer to addiction as a hole.. a very black hole that you fall in and it's almost like quick sand your trying to get out, your almost there and then it sucks you right back in. 

This was me inside the hole wanting out of the hole. To be a part of society that is able to look at that big blue sky during the day and the stars at night. I felt like I was in a sinking hole with quick sand trying so hard to get out. Knowing my life was in complete and utter destruction but the quick sand was sucking me in. And, every time I felt maybe I had escaped it I did not...

We can be very manipulative. We can lie and it not affect us. We will cheat to get our hands on it. We steal so hide your belongings. We can easily make people think it's not what it seems. We are not always sick looking, or skinny, or have dark eyes. Some wear make-up everyday, some are functioning, and some are not.

Now that I am sober I can tell when I see a complete stranger if they are high. I look in their eyes, and look directly at their pupils. If they are tiny tiny tiny they are doing pills.... Crack/Coke/Meth-their pupils will be huge. 

Luckily my mother never got this side of me only from a distance..and my father he was so drunk he had no idea that when he was writing me $300 checks I was cashing them for drugs. 

I remember one time my mom came to visit and she thought I was anorexic... she use to be naive.

Then the time she came in to visit about 3-4 years after asking if I was anorexic. She came and picked me up and she was taking me to Cleveland for the weekend. I really do not remember the trip but remember going. I shot up about 2 1/2 pills before leaving she wanted to stop and eat and I did. I had to ask her 3 times to pull over so I could puke-she knew then. I think she took me on that trip to not just spend time with me but for me to open up to her; but I did not. I think after that the last time I saw her was when I was calling to get help, and come home.  

We will tell you we want

but truly we do not. Want to know why? Because we have not had that ah-ha moment. We will tell you anything you want to hear. When you hear "hit rock bottom" that is really what that means. Many DO have their "rock bottom" moment. I did, and several other people did that I know... someone very close to me overdosed, came back to life and has been sober since. Some it takes prison, jails... some may start selling their body and that may be their bottom. Everybody is different when they do hit their bottom, but more than likely there will be a reason why the addict made the choice to quit. It could be as simple as "I was tired of seeing my family hurt" or "I was sick and tired of being sick and tired" 

The cycle is vicious. 

We are not forever cured. We can get help and learn our tools but nobody can truly cure us.

And, when you say help? What exactly do you mean. I had no insurance my mother and step-father forked out a lot of money for me to get help. That is sometimes not always the case though. It saddens me that addicts cannot get the help we all deserve. I know addiction is not like cancer, or any other terminal illness but addiction is a disease and should be treated as such. I will one day fight for insurance companies to accept addicts, for rehab programs to accept more insurance companies, and for rehabs to help those that may not have the money. That is my goal anyways, my other goal is to open a rehab center for addicts to get help for very little money. This is WHY I started this blog, and that is why I started my page. 

If I had to give advice to parents that has an addict I would say this:

1. Relapse is recovery, but it does not have to be- I say this to people because if one does relapse and quickly sees and tells somebody then they learned something from that. Some relapse after being clean because they need to see one more time that is not the life they choose anymore. It does not have to be part of recovery though.

2. Never give up hope. I would recommend the book by Jennifer Storm: Leave the Light On, and Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. And, another book called Come Back by Claire and Mia Fontaine. As an addict and my mother she showed me true tough love. I went months without speaking to her and called her one day and said "I am ready. It's over. The game is done"but how did she know I was truly done? And, when do you know is the right time? As an addict to maybe a mom or a dad maybe you could answer that. She took a chance I guess... and made a good one because I am still here. I always think their is a fine line between showing tough love, the addict thinking the parent has totally given up, but deep down we have not given up hope.

3. Teach your children early about drugs, and alcohol. My son will know what I went through at an early age. I have yet to figure out what age is appropriate he is 3 now. I think by the time he is 10 I will start speaking to him about it. Not all at once, but slowly...

4. You can trust us again once clean but remember not like you once did. The reason I say this is because although I have been clean for 6 years I still think sometimes my mom looks for something awkward in my voice, or maybe I sound "funny" on the phone to her sometimes. I can tell by the way she answers when I talk. When I smoke cigarettes I clear my throat a lot I think my mom thinks that is something "funny". I think you moms that read my blog will understand this. If the addict EVER forgets where they came from they will soon be back at the same old stuff. Make sure they are still talking and expressing their feelings... the moment you feel they are backing away slowly confront them.

I always knew when my father would relapse, or was about to relapse. He starts walking 3 months before he starts drinking, he will not call often, and gets aggressive with me. I could tell before his own mother could tell. I could tell when I would be on the phone with him 1,500 miles away from him.

Last but not least... it is important for all members in the family to receive counseling or at least attend Al-anon meetings. Maybe even go to a meeting with the addict-invite yourself to go with them. If they decline that is okay just keep trying.

These are my thoughts, opinions from my journey, personal experiences, and from what I have seen.
Just observing.
Thank you for reading...
Until next time...
xoxo

Dear Baby D,

Baby D,

I have been thinking about you since I found out you were coming into this world. I know one day you will understand all of this; I know one day this will all come into a full circle on what this life consists of. I don't know what it will be or how glamorous your life will be but I have high hopes in YOU. I do know though that you have a brother and a sister in Florida that love you already. 

When I found out you were going to be in this world there were many mixed emotions that were coming from every direction. When you are old enough you will understand. Then you can make the decisions and choices for yourself. I do not really know your mommy but I am sure she is going to love you with everything she has; I know she has been waiting on for you a really long time and will do her best to protect you. It's a mothers instinct to protect our babies. I sometimes just wonder why she chose my father to have a life long commitment with. 

I want to tell you the truth about everything. I want to fill you in already on the 411 but your just not old enough to understand your still baking in the oven. I am going to start writing you letters so you know that I never did not think about you. I want you to know that I am always here. I want you to know that I understand. 

My biggest fear for you is that you will get a dose of what I got. Our father is an amazing person when he is sober. He is funny, he is crazy, he has a personality that lights up the room. He is always helping somebody. When I was growing up he worked at a funeral home my life was like the movie "My Girl". Everything he said he sang I do it too... and now my son does it. Oh yeah, you have an Uncle down here in Florida too. I have yet to tell him because he does not know about my father he only knows about my step-father. We have strong genes in our family so I know if your anything like our father you will have a heart of gold, with a beaming personality for all to love. 

I know you will be okay in this life. My prayer is that you never will feel alone in this world. That you will always feel loved and never alone. My hope your purpose in this world is much bigger than it seems now.  Someday my words will make perfect sense. 

I want to write you often in a journal at home and keep it safe. I will give it to you when you graduate, sounds like a good idea? I just want you to know that I did not not want to know you. I want to be there in your life... but our daddy has issues which my HOPE & PRAYER is you NEVER have to find out about. 

I just always need you to know that I think about you daily, and I'll be there for you as much as I can<3 But most importantly, I need you to know that your not alone<3

Love,

Your older sistaaaa!