Regret

I did want to be on drugs... I wanted to manipulate, be dishonest, lie, cheat, and steal to get exactly what I wanted because I wanted to be on drugs. I wanted to try them... and I wanted to live from home to home... I wanted to do this. What I did not want to do... was become addicted, and all those things that come with addiction. I never wanted to hurt my mom, grandparents, & brother. I did not want to be a liar, or dishonest, or manipulate those close to me but when I took my first hit that is exactly what it became. 

Because honestly...

The minute I snorted my first pill I was thinking of a way to get some tomorrow, and the next day and it didn't stop for years. Everyday waking up thinking, manipulating, and lying to get exactly what I wanted.

And, to be honest.. I was not really that amazing at it but I did usually get what I wanted. 

It really sucks to watch somebody go down this road and all the questions that rise from knowing or yourself being addicted. I just wanted my pain to go away... the pain my father caused, my parents divorce, moving away from my hometown in 1996, being abused by my x-boyfriend.. never feeling good enough for anything or anybody. And, when I snorted that first pill... it did go away I felt normal. But, what is normal? 

I do not regret the life I lived, or situations I encountered, or anything I did because at that time in my life it was what I wanted. I do not regret that life because I am going to benefit by becoming a Substance Abuse Counselor and hopefully change other people's lives. I am very confident of that.. I am very confident that my name and face will be on the news fighting for addicts everywhere. And, I am very confident I will one day stand in front of Congress fighting for this.

I will succeed because I am making the darkness of my life be something to fight for.

It is possible for your loved one to get help... it is possible for you(the addict) to get help and get out while you can. The only place those drugs will lead you is to dark places, prison, or death... I would rather be sober then 6 ft under. 

I am

Until Next Time....

<3

Acceptance

What does acceptance mean to you? I had a hard time accepting I was an addict... but now I am proud to say I am an addict and my life is forever changed. 

Do you feel that is why many people will not get help is because they simply cannot accept they are an addict? Does the parent, friend, brother, sister keep enabling the family member because they can accept they are addicted to alcohol or drugs?

Yes I do think so... 

My father is an alcoholic and still at 53 years old will not accept he is an alcoholic. 

It's sad. 

When you are able to admit your an addict that is when the cloudy mind becomes light. 

It really stinks that we have to wait, and wait for that one person we love so dearly to admit, and accept they are something they never wanted to be. 

I can freely say "My name is Abby I am an addict" because for the rest of my life I will be an addict it just depends on how I choose to live the rest of my life. I choose to live my life helping others to cope with their addiction. I will change lives, save lives, and hopefully make an impact. 

When we choose to accept is when we can move on with the rest of our recovery.

I will always say that Addiction is the most confusing, mind-boggling thing somebody could explain to somebody else. Agree?

Until Next Time....

Journal Writing from 12/11/2008

WARNING: VERY STRONG BAD WORDS

So, while I was locked up I was in the place that at first was hell, then became OK, and then was hell... and then it was good. We had to do what they call an "Encounter". That is when one person sits in the "hot seat" and all the other 17 girls sit in a circle and tell you what is wrong with you like the negativity that you put out in the community. I was just about to leave and 3 weeks before I leave my counselor decides to break me down one more time, to build myself back up. At first I could not believe I went 4 months without being encountered and then I get it 3 weeks before I leave. The feelings that were going thru me were horrible. They told me everything I already knew... I was nosey (okay, and?) and that I was fake (haha). So this was what I wrote after I was encountered....I had nobody to speak to after this encounter so I wrote every thought in my journal... and it was REAL! And, by the way when you get 18 girls together in one living room all menstruating at the same time it equals MIDDLE SCHOOL ALL OVER AGAIN:)

I don't fu**ing know what to do! Ms. T has-I don't know she got mad at me-then says she is not mad at me but I know she is. Then she says I justify for what I do wrong. I don't really know what she meant by that... Anyways, I think we are doing encounters, I hate these things. Well, I just got encountered... some of the things I did not agree with. You get encountered and then they want to push you up-now that's motherfu**ing FAKE  Oh well, then Ms. T was the first one to get up from the circle and go didn't even give me a hug!!! She ain't no friend that's the truth!! I'm going to start my period.. so I'm going to be crying all f***ing day!! These girls are a joke in here... Then this counselor wants to come in that I don't even know Ms. Hawk who the f*** are you seriously! Then Mr. T says yeah they did good with me-of course revengeful ass bitches! Then Ms. T wants to say all this shit to me that's fake as hell, all those things you said to me we have been attached to the hip for 3 months straight if you felt all this about me you could have told me! I feel like such a loser that all these girls think this crap about me... I need a damn cigarette so bad right now! I bet I am not leaving on the 29th Ms. G is going to keep me I just know it!! Back to the horseshoe !

I don't know I am just processing this and I have nobody to process this with except this journal. Then when Ms. T is mad at me she goes to Ms. W and acts like they are BFF! I have not said this in so long but I would love to just shoot some 80's in my arm right now. I can't believe I just said that... oh my gosh! I thought only my dad could get me this mad... it's how I feel though I have not felt that way for a long time I don't ever want to feel like this ever again it's a horrible feeling. Then Ms. D. says I flew under the radar bi**h you flew under the radar with that damn boot on your foot pretending like it hurts.. get REAL Ms. D!!!! Revengeful girls all of them... I'm so TC'd out I know that's wrong to say but I am! Ms. D hasn't opened up about shit except her dude fake hoe! I have so much going on in my head right now just make it stoppp please make it stop! 

So, why did I want to use after my encounter?

I felt exposed.... I am so angry about not being with my son for his 1st Christmas. 

Wow right? So many feelings in that journal entry.... all of those were REAL thoughts, and REAL pain!!! 

When I said I wanted to shoot some oxy's in my arm I had been almost 2 years clean and had not had a thought like that about 6 months after I got clean.... I was VERY hurt that day! An encounter is the WORST!!!

Until Next Time......

Come find me on Facebook!!

So, I have been going over this in my mind... 

Facebook or no Facebook?

I have come to conclusion to have a Facebook page associated with my personal blog. 

The Reason?

Addiction is NEVER talked about ENOUGH!

I think it is starting to take a whole new direction, even by talking about it... but it is never enough.

Come over and Like me on Facebook at

MyLifeMyStoryMyRecovery

http://www.facebook.com/pages/MyLifeMyStoryMyRecovery/253370434751403

It will be for everybody. Individuals trying to understand addiction, family members going through the addiction, recovering addicts, & the addicts struggling.

I know many that do not talk about their personal experiences with addiction... but maybe that is why it is not talked about enough. 

Anyways, head over to my Facebook page and like me... and recommend me to others!!

Until Next Time....

The "Game"

I have three VERY close friends that are battling addiction still. I keep in very close contact with them because I know one day they will open up too me, and realize that I have been where they are. Last night, I got into a huge discussion with my cousin about why she continues to lie to me when I know exactly what's going on. She says it's because I have been out of the "game" too long. To me it is just like yesterday... she proceeded to tell me that I may have forgot some of the aspects of living with addiction. I was actually pretty upset by those words... #1. If I ever forget where I came from then I would not be coming up on 6 years sober... #2. If I ever forgot every aspect of the "game" I would not be coming up on 6 years sober... #3. I will NEVER forget where I was 5 1/2 years ago... I explained to her that it upsets me that they feel the need to LIE when I know the "game" all too well... I am not stupid. She agreed that if I did forget the "game" then I would probably have relapsed. I told her that she would figure it out once she got away from those people. It's those little things that will lead to big things if I ever forgot where I came from. If I ever lost sight of what was going on around me, or if I ever forgot every aspect (even the smallest of things) I guarantee I would not be here writing this and sharing my story.

I was trying to explain to her that what hurts me the most is the lie that comes with the story. If one keeps lying, when they are sober why should I believe you. I know the game... I never wanted to call a friend of mine that was doing good and explain to her how low my life was but that friend did not have a clue about addiction. I told her that it was different because I DO understand addiction; I lived that life and will never forget any aspect of that life.

It makes me sad.... but I feel like I cannot give up on these three VERY important people in my life. If I gave up on them then they couldn't call me when they were really ready to tell me the truth (which I already know). But, I also am the person to NEVER give up on anybody I love. I will always leave my light on, my cell on for them to call or come by... no matter the time of day. One day they will see it how I see it... and one day they will understand where I am coming from. 

I also explained to my cousin that if she left the life she was living... she could be where I am right now. I can only pray, and hope they get out because we all know where it can lead when they do not... Death or Prison. I do not want anybody I know going there.... getting out would be the safest. 

Every night when I lay my head down I pray for those suffering... I pray for those inside rehab.. I pray for those struggling... I pray for the families dealing with their children... and I pray that one day they will see the light.

Until Next Time....

Who I am....Now...

I post a lot about who I once was... but I am different now. I have shared about my past but how do the past impact the person I am today? That is what I want to share...

A

Woman

Mother

Wife

Daughter

Granddaughter

Niece

Sister, and friend...

Always there.

a fighter.

dependable.

responsible.

funny.

smart.

beautiful.

truly in love<3.

5 years ago if you ask me who I was... I would not have been able to give you one word.

Now, I can give you a million...

A student.

An activist against drugs.

a motivator.

a procrastinator.

worrier.

one to have anxiety (all the time). 

fun to be around.

5 years sober (May 18, 2006)

I will hope to reach millions.

I will hope to save lives from drugs and alcohol.

I will be a college graduate.

I will be a wife, and mom of 2.

I will have my Masters.

I am this... 

because of......

Until Next time...<3

Weighing heavily on my mind....

We all know Whitney Houston passed may she R.I.P. and so many other talented artist that lose their lives to drugs. Tragic, yes! Ever since her death the comments that people have spoken via Facebook on different news organizations has me thinking. 

I was appalled at the comments people were making but I also understand the comments that were being said. Some were like "What a waste of human life" or "Those were her choices she made" while I understand that she did make her choices but addiction can be so strong. It takes over everything-emotions, feelings of self and others, careers...it literally destroys everything. And it takes over the person abusing like nothing else. The thing that made me so angry I think is the people making the comments have obviously NEVER experienced addiction of any kind. I see it as this... most people are addicted to one thing-newspaper, coffee (get caffeine headaches) angry birds... addictions can be good others can be bad. Hope I am making sense. 

I have suffered addiction, but every day I still struggle... I have also experienced a parent being an addict. My father is a hardcore alcoholic. So, even if I was never an addict I would still understand how addiction (sometimes) can never be broken from an individual. When one does not understand addiction do not make the comments that you do. It's sad... this is why addiction should be talked about on a daily basis. You better believe my child will know what I went through in hopes of never going down that path. 

Does anybody agree with me?

My life is always chaotic. I am back to school and doing Math right now and it always has my undivided attention. My son and I have been really into puzzles, so we have been working on those. 

Going to the beach this weekend!! Until next time....