Throwback Days

Wow right? I am the one in the pink dress talk about skinny!! I am short so when I lose weight you can defiantly tell. My neck bones are popping out and you can see the bones in my chest. I had already been kicked out of school at this time but the girl beside me she is my best friend from Richwood, Ohio. She was the first one I meet that was just like me! I started going through my old journals from my days of being sober I did not know I actually had this. Then I found the journal that my ex gave me because he knew how much I loved to write. 

Here is a journal from 8/29/2006 at 9:02p.m. this guy at my work was trying to get Gary and I hooked up. So it says "Last week, or maybe the week before that Scotty came up to me and was talking about how Gary liked me. I didn't believe it. Then yesterday I was in the back (at my office) and Scotty and Gary were back there and I was walking up to the front and Scotty said to Gary "Did you hook it up yet?" Gary said no because of his job and shit. I totally understand that but damn he is so sexy! I would literally die if he asked me out on a date" and he did<3

This was when we first got together in 2006, and he still has my heart<3

Here I am going threw this stuff again and crying. Not because I am sad... but because what was I really thinking, and wanting when I was using. It is so scary to think that I did this to my body, and my family. I just pulled out a letter from dad because when I got clean I was not allowed to speak with him. I think I had mentioned in a previous blog my Grandfather had passed away... the letter on the 2nd page was "Your grandpa went peacefully." I was not allowed to attend the funeral... I was just newly sober, back home, and if I were to go I would be going back to the old place I was using drugs at. I was very sad... cried a lot... but one thing I knew was Grandpa knew why I could not be there. My grandpa was not a talker much, but he listened well. He always knew what was going on with his grandchildren, and up-to-date on current sports events around. He was a Chief firefighter for many years so when they had his funeral they set up 10 fire trucks in the procession of the funeral, at the cemetery 2 ladder trucks at the entrance and a huge American Flag hanging from the ladders draped down. Just how he would have wanted. I remember being so upset about not attending I wrote all of my cousins apologizing for not being there. We are a huge family and at one point we were all very close...not so much anymore. Over the years the Christmas dinners expired, and Thanksgiving was at everybody's house and not just Grandma's. 

It is crazy how going back in time can be emotional even when they are moments we do not regret and know they were for all the right reasons. Here is a journal from 2006 in January right before I went to Rehab in May. I was defiantly breaking for sure...

Jan. 5, 2006

Hey what's up? Not shit just chillen at Nana's. My life is very miserable. I screwed so much shit up in my life it will never be the same. I feel so out of control and lost with no hope to go on. Nothing will be the same ever ! I screwed up a really good relationship with my mother again...I just pack up my things, and off I was on 95 going back to my abusive ex-boyfriend. I do not think I will ever be "okay" with this feeling I have. My life is just slowly slipping away... like a rain drop falling off of a leaf. I feel like everything I do is not good enough for anybody weather it be the ex, mom, dad, brother-somebody is always telling me it's wrong. They are always breathing down my neck telling me what to do and how or what I did wrong. I am freakin psycho-I probably would not think like this if I wasn't told this so many times in one day. My life is shitty.. I hate myself, the person I am, who I have become..I am ready to have my first nervous breakdown. Well, I'm just going to go smoke my cigs and hang out. 

Abbs

In August of 2005 I came back home to Florida.. I do not really remember what ended up happening and why I ended up coming back home to Florida but I did. I stayed with my brother at my Grandparents condo in Deerfield Beach, FL for a while. It was Hurricane season and Hurricane Wilma had just hit in October 2005, we were without power for 2 weeks or something. My mom and step-dad bought me a car a 1999 Black Sunfire (which ended up being totaled). I had about $160 in the bank...packed my things up and off I went. I stopped at a Nextel store to get a car charger and I left. Up the 95 corridor heading to Ohio. I left at 3 in the afternoon and got to Ohio the next day at Noon just in time for the Ohio State Buckeyes game. I did not call my mom, or my brother until I was later in my trip because they would have talked me out of it. I do not even think it was going back to my ex-boyfriend as much as it was going back to get the drugs! That is what it was all about... the drugs not the boyfriends, sex, or friends. It was all for the drugs... For real, when an addict is using it is not about anybody else but the drugs. The addict when using does not even love themselves so how could they possibly love anybody else. It is all so real to me now.. and the feelings in that journal in Jan. are all too real I remember feeling, and writing this. 

Until Next time....

Happy Halloween!!! We are flooded in down here in South Florida...hope everybody has a good Halloween<3

Here is my little pirate

Forgiveness and Acceptance

Lately, I have been dealing with learning to accept things, and trying to figure out how many times you can forgive one person? First, let's talk about forgiveness.

I want to share a quote with you. I read this and it makes perfect sense. For example, I can forgive my father but then again I can never forget those times he really hurt my brother and I. We all say "I'll forgive you but I will not forget what you did too me" remember saying that when you forgave your boyfriend for cheating... or the times maybe your father walked out on you... or a time your best friend betrayed you. I can remember saying that many times in my life to friends, boyfriends, especially my father. If we forgive then we must forget also, right? Burn it, throw it in the fire to never think of that moment? I am one that {sometimes} always remember the past, but have been working on accepting. The hardest part sometimes of forgiving and also forgetting is if the offense is a repetitive behavior. Sometimes I just here and think how I could forgive a person that took many years away from my mom and I... or sometimes acted like a sperm donor. I have always been a forgiving person, too forgiving... but I never forgot what that one did to me. If we forget what that one person did does that mean we could be easily fooled again? I was fooled many times in my life.. as I am sure we all have. So, how do we get past forgetting what the person did in order to forgive? In my opinion, we first need to try and work thru the steps of forgetting then work on forgiving. On www.webmd.com it says that if we forgive and forget we could lower our blood pressure, have a stronger immune system..so there are health benefits to this? Not only will the resentment, anger, hate, and bitterness go away but we will also be a healthier person.

There is always a positive. 

Now acceptance... how do we accept how others are? How do we accept the way our lives have turned out? Acceptance is one very important thing I have been working on. If somebody upsets me I have been saying that I just have to accept that individual the way they are. I cannot change them but also give them my opinion-like it or not you'll hear my opinion. 

               "Accept everything about yourself -- I mean everything, 

                         You are you and that is the beginning and the end --

                               no apologies, no regrets."

Even though I have made many mistakes, and things did not go as well as I had planned (in the end they did) I still never held regret for what I did. Everything that happened was because of my wrong doing it was a little hard to accept that I was now a felon and my behavior lead me to having a felony. Is it funny how when living that lifestyle we all feel invisible? That would be with anything... being a daring person you could be invisible to the fact that you would never get hurt. I never held regret for my behaviors but instead have grown from them. Learned that sometimes tragic things happen to make us realize... but I do accept the lifestyle I had because hopefully I can inspire other addicts to change their lives, and accept that part of their lives. Being an addict is not to have shame... because we are different.. but it is to learn the paths we took were not always that good, and we have now come to accept that. It is a process, but a healthy process. 

Until next time.... <3

Settled In

I am home finally and all settled in from a crazy place I once called home, and had so many sisters (something I have always wanted). I am enjoying the comfort of my own home, cooking, cleaning; we cleaned a lot in there but this time it was not on my hands and knees picking up hair, spraying Windex on the bathroom appliances to make sure not a smear was on there. My little baby boy was not so little anymore he was 6 months old and weighing about 20 pounds (if he wasn't it was close) those Grandmothers feed him well:)


I could not be more thankful for all those that stepped right in and helped Gary and Sean while I was gone. I felt so helpless, and had very little hope... but I knew deep inside they were well taken care of. I was unsure on how to be a mom... Yes, I was there the first 6 weeks but now he is bigger, sitting up, holding toys, you know all those firsts I missed he was doing. I was overwhelmed but thankful to be home. Yes, there were those thoughts of this is so much, and when can I go back to my sisters, and my family room 4...and on Friday's cooking in the kitchen and serving the staff and residents. No more of those...this time I was serving dinner to my boys, and being with my family for the first time!


I had a counselor in West Central who put her all into everything she did for us. She was always on our case, always telling us when we were messing up, when to get our shit straight, how to open up, be a woman, and face the problems to get well. She was awesome...and the very one that inspired me to be a Substance Abuse counselor. She impacted my life just as most of the staff did because each person in that place had a huge part in all of our journeys to become a better person, wife, girlfriend, friend, daughter, granddaughter, niece and so on. Not all of them were addicts, but some were and they could all relate like they had been there. Were they always on the same page not always but certainly knew when to stop badgering and just be there for us. They broke us down to build us up...was it sometimes very hard? Yes, because the whole staff knew deep down we could all succeed to become wonderful people outside of our drug fogged mind. My counselor knew just the right treatment plans, and she saved the best one for last... the treatment plan on my dad, because she had to break me down just a little before I left to make me strong against him again and not so weak. That was the hardest treatment plan... but it helped me to build that concrete wall so that he could never break thru.


My dad, see he is not a bad person..he's an alcoholic I don't know if you would call him a binge drinker, alcoholic, or what. He is the type that will go 6 months of working to saving his money to 6 months of drunkenness. The first 3 months he will be drunk, and the next 3 months he will be sobering up and once again on the hunt for a job to save up more money. I was always daddy's little girl, but remember as stated in previous blog that I am also the type that cannot stand for somebody to be alone, or even feel alone. It gives me anxiety to think that somebody feels that way. He had this way of manipulating me, blaming me, and laying guilt trips on me. When he is not drinking he's awesome, fun, funny, and a really great guy. He has always had this way of being able to get into my head, feeding me bullshit, and I would be eating it believing him. When I was 14 I went to live with my dad to help him, take care of him.. and from 13-19 I was back and fourth from Ohio to Florida. My mom would come pick me up because my dad would be drunk and I would start school in Florida and then leave again... I remember one family member telling me once that "he cannot handle a teenager" excuse me? Then he should not have had sex with my mother!! DUH... 


In February 2009 I decided to sign up for school online. My husband and I felt it was best for me to stay at home instead of daycare so I did. I started at the University of Phoenix majoring in Psychology and love learning something new everyday about myself, and others. I like the online experience of schooling I do not sit in a class all day long and listen to an instructor. I had A.D.D. I could possibly not sit still for that long. I am still going and have since transferred to Florida Institute of Technology majoring in Applied Psychology concentration in Clinical Psychology... and hope to one day get a second bachelors in Forensic Psychology. My whole goal is to be able to counsel addicts, but I also would love to work in a prison or an environment that I was in (Therapeutic Community). 


Sean (my son) is 3 years old now and a healthy big boy! He brightens my day every day, and knows just how to make me laugh. My mother in law told me that when I was not around she felt that Sean knew his mother was just not around. She said he never smiled, and was a very placid baby... but now mama is home and he is wild, crazy, clever, funny, and awesome to be around. He had the chance to live in the Bahamas while Gary husband was working over there, he loves the beach but sometimes the waves were a bit too high and he would get scared. It was beautiful, peaceful, and meet tons of awesome people...just not a place to live with a kid. 


My husband and I are now going on 5 years of being together, and 4 years of marriage. He is the best, and I am truly thankful for everything he does and is still doing for us each day. I knew the minute I saw Gary when I came back that if I did not take the opportunity and try this that I could possibly let the man of my dreams go... and I could not have that happen. He is just simply amazing and words cannot even describe how in love I am with him.

Until next time... 

One-Way Ticket Home

In November sometime I got my out date when I would be going home. December 29, 2008 I would have a one-way ticket to my house, my baby boy that I do not even know, my husband, and my mom...

My mom and I had a really hard relationship-it was not the typical "teenage years". I ran away while she was at the mall one day, I hit her, said the worst things to her, it was so awful. If anybody takes anything from this specific blog always remember that your mom is your best friend, and when she tells you something just do it because technically mothers are always right (Moms have your daughters read LOL). I would give anything to take back the years, tears, and heartache I caused her. I do not think I even tell her that enough...but she knows I am here now to not go away. My husband and I had the opportunity to travel and live in the Bahamas for 5 months while he was working, came home and had the opportunity to travel to Cape Canaveral, Florida and he worked there for a while. The Bahamas trip was okay-not a place to live but to travel-the 2nd trip was harder. Even though I had my husband, and baby boy... these feelings of leaving my mother were coming back of abandoning her once again. I ended up coming home, not just for that but because I needed the internet to do my schooling. I was so angry, and tense... why? Because these feelings of being separated from those I love make me crazy. When I was using drugs it was in my drug addicted mind okay to leave them...but now I become angry and nobody can even stand to be around me.

See, when leaving Rehab I was coming home to my parents who gave me structure, and a schedule. When I went to West Central everything was structure, and defiantly on a schedule (and not a minute late).. when I came home my son was already 6 months old so I switched right into structure, and schedule. So when my schedule gets messed up now my mind cannot even handle it. Sounds weird? So, all of this structure and schedule (in my head) cannot get messed up or I turn into somebody crazy. But, if I was not crazy sometimes... then I would be normal and who wants to be normal? LOL!!

When we had a successful discharge at West Central we went out the main doors.. (when you go out the side door that's an unsuccessful) and ceremony to honor those who have successfully completed the program. We got to go shopping and wear the clothes we bought (real clothes not those white tube socks, white shirt, and jeans-real clothes) the choir sang a song, we got a certificate, and little charms. I was so nervous for my transition home (that is what they called it) because I had never in my whole life successfully completed anything. Unless you count successfully overdosing, successfully getting a felony, successfully screwing over many friends, and family along the way... but I mean a positive accomplishment I had never accomplished. This was my very first certificate..then I got down on myself because my only certificate was a Prison certificate. Then I thought... but I did this all by MYSELF with the help of many many people but me I did this all alone nobody to hold my hand and carry me to the finish line. The treatment plans, the bench, announcing my name into every room, being Head of House, being a whole community, having my sisters, and so much more sure they helped... but I ultimately did this whole program (one of the hardest I might add) all by myself. It was a peaceful, proud moment... even if it was a prison certificate.

My best friend Natalie, who I might add came to every single visit, never missed a letter, and was always the best friend I could ever ever ask for. We have known each other since I was just 2 years old-disconnected, reconnected...but we both never missed a beat with each other. She wrote me letters, poems, quotes, sayings, and would try to add lingo into her letter (you know girlll) and I did not understand until I got out. She was my rock in that place. My dad he was too...the only time he EVER supported anything I did so I took it and cherished that 4 1/2 months he came there every Sunday. Now, we do not speak (more on that later).

My mom, Natalie, and father came to pick me up... all I wanted was a cigarette; I know I know almost 5 months of no smoking and the first thing I did was smoke a cigarette! I went to check in with my probation officer, of course all my stuff was already transferred to Ohio but something got mixed up and ended up waiting there for about 3 hours to be "accepted" back into the State of Florida. Who would of thought a felon would have to be accepted somewhere....oh well. So I am free... but deep inside I was dying to go back. Yearning for somebody to tell me that we had 5 minutes before lights out, and to stand pulled up rest at the locker....? Nobody was there that first night... (my mother and I stayed in a hotel and flew out the next day to Florida). The hotel bed was comfortable...but where was that green mattress that I grew accustom to? And, my one pillow... with my locker... and all my white underwear, shirts, shoes, socks? This is crazy... I could go outside freely and smoke a cigarette in the brisk cold air with snow on the ground. This is so crazy to me...

When someone says "I will never go back to that place"because I cannot even tell you how many times I have said that..but when I was home in Florida what can I do to go back to that place where all that structure was? Why? Because I was so use to one thing, the same thing for almost 5 months... but I knew if I messed up it would be prison and not West Central. I do not know what makes a person think that and never thought I would... but I did but clearly scratched that straight out of my brain!!

On my way home I wrote one last journal entry in my good ol' journal that was with me every step of the way from August 18, 2008 to December 29, 2008.

12/30/2008
Well, I got out yesterday my first taste of freedom and it felt so good. I smoked a cigarette and that was even better. What a battle that was..the craziest, most amazing, inspiring program ever. I am so glad to be out; I have about two hours and I'm with Gary & Sean. I am so excited. Yesterday and today were the best days of my life! I am so pumped!! Wait, should I say that again? I am so pumppped!!! No more pat-downs, strip searches, little petty girls breathing down my neck... I am FREE!! Although, I have thought about the place, and girls since I left it will be hard I hate saying good-bye to all the amazing people I left especially Ms. Thornton. I feel like I look at the clock too see what they are doing.. I am so close to seeing Sean I can hardly breathe! I went to dinner with Natalie, Tom, Marta, Jessica and mom that was fun!! It feels so weird to be out... uncomfortable feeling, and having anxiety feeling like I should not be on this airplane right now. I'll write more later and tell you my experience being home... it feels so weird being out of standards:)

I remember walking in my house... Sean and Gary were watching out our bedroom window and Sean was on the bed and I just walked in my house and squeezed the shit out of both of them!! I was the happiest girl ever... I was finally home:)

And, to stay home forever....

Another Journal Entry from West Central

Today I will add 2 Journal entries... Remember those jobs I was telling you about? I eventually became Head Of House where I had to report to staff, and ultimately face the consequences of the other girls also. It taught me leadership, and basically showed me that I could do it. They would put us in a job where we felt most awkward so help us grow in that area. I eventually made really great friends that I still keep in contact with... except those that have fallen off the wagon. Some of the girls you knew were just not going to walk away with anything, and some you knew the pure determination to get where they know they needed to be. Many of these girls in here had a very rough life, worse than mine... but we were all connected because we are all addicts. 


In the previous blog I was going off about some girl named Ms. Ward... The story to this is that  we were allowed to leave on furloughs and could have an outside person pick us up. She was going on a dental furlough supposedly.. little did she know before you leave on a furlough they listen to your phone calls. It was found out that she was really meeting up with her boyfriend that was also a co-defendant (big no no). Her one act cost the whole girls side to loose all of our privileges. That means... no visits, no phone calls, and no vending machines (except for hygiene). The only thing any of us ever looked forward to was our phone calls at night, our mail, our visits, and of course our nightly snack. 


The whole program was ran with structure, and with the help of an amazing staff. Our schedule was as follows:
5:30 A.M. - Wake up
5:45AM-6:15am Clean
At 6:15 we would line up for breakfast
At about 6:45am we would come back for showers
At 7:30AM our morning meeting
8AM- Classes (Not all were in classes orientees were in a few but mostly people in Phase 2 had classes which were anger management, criminal thinking, HIV/AIDS class, and so on)
11:45AM- line up for lunch
12:30 back for recreation (we could outside weather and behavior permitted, or hang out inside.. on the weekend we were allowed to nap)
1:45 some went to more classes, the rest just hung out...
4:45 line up for dinner
5:30 another recreation
6pm the orientee's meet with their big sister to learn rules, philosophy, etc.
8pm Evening meeting
9pm vending
10pm lights out 


We were not allowed to be "comfy" we had our shoes on ALL day long... most were bored all day. All of this was teaching us to not ever get comfortable, and when bored you'll know how to manage your time. When people in Phase 2 were done with their 8 week classes the next 8 weeks you kind of just sit there and make yourself useful. Also, everything that we needed, or wanted had to go up with a request form and their was a process for everything. They would take forever to get it back to us but that is what TTP (Trusting the process) was for. We had to TRUST they received our request and would give it back to us. They always did... the trusting thing was hard for so many woman because on the outs we do not trust, so it taught us to trust. 


10-19-2008
I'm on silence again today. It's really not as bad as the first time. My dad, Grandma, and Natalie came to visit. I miss them so much. Tonight I am calling my mom-I miss them a lot too. I got to work on my treatment plan, it is having to do with my father... this should be fun. I have to write a book about him. Poor Ms. Nixon is suppose to go home tomorrow, she is leaving West Central but going to jail. I can't believe it-ugh that would be so horrible. I feel so bad for her. Anyways, nothing really new. Awaiting to hear what my conduct report says. Gary and Sean are coming up November 2 too see me. I am so excited my mom is coming with them. I'm going to work on some treatment work-get on computer then do my treatment plan. Try to write tonight! 


*To tell you what a conduct report was... while being incarcerated nothing is ever a secret what you have. We can have a random locker search at any time... so they found an extra thing of lotion or something that I was not suppose to have. It was a cardinal rule to not have anything extra, therefore I got charged with having cardinal contraband and was awaiting my trail...in their it kind of feels like you NEVER know what is going to happen. They look at this as out on the streets we could have a pill in our pocket and not know, breaking the cardinal rule of sobriety. And, Silence meant I could not talk basically for 12 hours and observe myself.


10-24-2008
Another day down.. another dolla short :) I say that because we do not make money up in this piece! I am sooo happy. October is almost over; Gary, Sean, and mom will be here so very soon. I can't wait! Lights are on-be back:)I opened up last night about my issues with my dad and my ex-boyfriend and the abusive person he was. I feel lighter, and so much better. I never knew how much it affected me about my ex) my father has affected me since I was just little so I know what that feels like. People know what he (ex) did too me but I do not think I ever went into detail about MY feelings. It just felt very good. I am the type of person where I try to act stronger than what I really am. It worked for many years about dealing with others problems rather than my own.. that for once while in this place I HAVE to focus on myself and it really does feel amazing. Ms. Gresh opened up about some problems. Before I could not get it out of my head how somebody could just throw you across the bathroom floor and try flushing your glasses in the toilet... now I feel a little lighter:) Anyways, we encountered Ms. Mustard yesterday so glad hope it worked. She needs to just get real with us, today are encounters also. My hands are so dry! Okay, time to go! Peace out! Gary & Sean=My everything! One day at a time...


Encounters= when all the girls sit in a circle and one girl sits in the "hot seat" and we tell her exactly how we feel... put them to their lowest, and then at the end do a little pick me up about their positives. It was so crazy kick their face in the dirt, and don't let them up... and then after 45 minutes of that... we get to really tell you how much we love you! It did work.. but seems awkward right?


The whole program was awkward and if not experienced you would not even understand this crazy lingo I am talking about. If you Google Therapeutic Community it will go into some detail.. here is a link I found http://www.psychotherapy.net/video/george-deleon-therapeutic-community


Okay, time to go for now... until next time!!! Remember, it is not about how strong we really are, and who can handle the most.. it is about in every trial thrown our way to discover, grow, learn, laugh and to love:)

Where is my Mother?

You know that book by Dr. Seuss "Where's my Mother?" that is all I kept thinking about the whole time incarcerated. I had never had a baby before so I did not know the milestones, or even get to experience a first moment from 6 weeks to 6 months. So, I am in this room that we call Family Room 4 with 2 dorm rooms Gratitude and Strength.. a little library room we called Vision, a Laundry room, and a bathroom; and the only thing that would come to my mind is my baby boy at home wondering "Where is my mother?". He had his daddy, and his grandmothers (my mother, and Gary's mother) but where was that ladies voice I heard while I was in that really warm place? I am so thankful he was not old enough to remember, but when the time is right I will one day open up to hopefully stop the vicious cycle that just keeps repeating history.

So, I got all checked in... got my badge... had my red scrubs... a net laundry sack... but no green suitcase, and no pads! I walked into Family Room 4 and they directed me to a bench with my sack, that bench would eventually come into handy many times. There was a big white dry erase board in front of me with all these names Head of House, Floor Expediter, Assistant F.E., Garden... come to find out these were all jobs that I would eventually partake in. I thought it would be only a good 3 weeks and I would be home.. I mean it did say in my papers from sentencing "Staff at West Central decides when going home" hell I did not know I would be there for 4 1/2 months. So, I am sitting on this bench... and this guy walks in, who I had already crossed paths with in intake and he was hassling me about very open questions that I did not even want to answer. So, this guy comes into Family Room 4 and I was told to sit in this plastic chair and tell these girls who I was.

There was 18 of us... and I told them who I was and kept catching hell from this one guy who would eventually apologize for making me cry. LOL. My big sister than took me to my Gratitude dorm who I would have intake sisters Ahlea, and Alison; however, we go by last names so it was Ms. Thornton, and Ms. Mullins everybody was called by their last name and you had to add Ms. in front of that. We had to announce ourselves every time we walked in to a different room... so for example when entering the bathroom I would say "Ms. Davis in the restroom" this was to make us aware of all times of our surroundings because on the outs we could walk into any house and not be aware that we were about to walk into a drug dealers house. I still do this at times not really out loud but in my head. We had tons of rules, and those little unwritten rules too. If we got in trouble we had got our name on the Pull-up board and had to do an L.E. (learning experience). Pull-up=doing bad and a push up=doing good. Each person had a job once you were out of Phase 1 and that included the big white board with those names on it when sitting on the bench. I was to learn the philosophy, the rules, and so much more to get my first visit, and to be able to make 1 phone call a week.

I stayed in Phase 1 for an extra week because of my behavior. My sidekick would eventually be my intake sister although we fought like sisters we understood each other deep down. When we wanted to cry, cuss, and vent we would go in the bathroom in the first stall because the R.M.'s could not see us from their box. They would always be in that box looking in the mirrors to the bathroom to see which one was taking the longest and say "this is not a fashion show". LOL... all of our hair had to be in standards could not be down, touching our ears... we had to wear Jeans, white shirts underneath, tube socks, white shoes, and if we had a job we wore a gray shirt, and if we did not it was a blue shirt (This was phase 2)...for phase 3 you got a green shirt and you were finally going home.

They did not like to call it a prison and the "guards" were not C.O.'s they were Resident Monitors or R.M.'s who would help all of us through our recovery process. There were men on the other side that we had a 3 second rule, you got to look for 3 seconds and that was it. We had class the boys but still no talking... people would and eventually one girl would get sent back to prison for passing her number. Those pull-ups I was talking about... I would always get in trouble for disrespecting somebody so on the board it would say My name: Ms. Davis Pull-up: Bad-tact; disrespect L.E.: Write a letter, or story, sing a song in the cafeteria those would be our consequences.. it would eventually take me many many pull-ups, and learning experience to get that I cannot talk to people the way I am. When we said a bad word we would have to go around all day (starting after morning meeting until the nightly meeting) "My name is Ms. Davis and I will not cuss like a sailor" and we would wear a sailor hat. Sounds so cheesy, and all sounds so crazy.. but this was my life for 4 1/2 months and eventually it all started making sense. It works... and you will walk in this place and say "I will not learn ANYTHING" to eventually walk out of there and learn so much more than you could ever imagine. It is the BEST free treatment anybody could receive... although the price to go there is to be a felon.

Here is a journal article.. I was going thru the first couple of days and it was pretty much everything that was in here explaining the program.. so I'll go to September 16, 2008 where I will be in this place almost a month.. and it was my FIRST visit with Sean and Gary

9-16-08
Crazy couple days... yesterday and the rest of the week we are going to be sitting in a horseshoe. Sunday my hubby and baby came-oh my gosh:) It was so exciting-my baby is so big and beautiful. My hubby ugh-so gorgeous. 1 month of not seeing him made me fall that much more in love with him. Well, starting something-try to write later.

I'm going to try and write every break so we'll see how that goes. I have a feeling something is about to go down. Ms. Ward was suppose to go on a furlough and Ms. Silverthorn (nurse) asked me, Dickason, and Mustard if we knew something. I have NO idea! Well, breaks over.. be back later!

Oh my gosh I am so f***ing sick, mad, angry, hurt, worse anxiety, and sad. Ms. Ward straight up manipulated, lied all because she wanted too see her husband that she cries over every time a phone call is made. My baby is 2 months old and I want him to know who his mommy is... I'm shaking I'm so mad right now how could she... it cost almost $200-$300 all around for a plane ticket-then if he needs to rent a car, gas, hotel, all for a 1/2 hour visit!! What if something happened I can't even call to make sure my husband and son are okay. So quiet, and innocent.. YEAH RIGHT!! She had everybody fooled. People in red or just out of red haven't even got to see their kids! I'm done with that, ain't even worth my time.
Breaks over!

I'm having anxiety glad he let us write. I'm so pissed too because we can't go to classes but I guess this is better because staff is helping us come together and stuff. My husband is going to be so upset... :( Ms. Wurtsbaugh got kicked out-that's exactly where Ms. Ward needs to go honestly... she could careless! She sadi she took the charges for him.. from what she told me is they were her moms or mother-in-laws pulls she went and picked them up...all seems strange to me admit your an addict Ms. Ward!!!!!

Anyways, nothing new my dad was suppose to come down but it won't happen now. Sad thing is... some people do want treatment and are waiting in jail and prison to get here and people like Ms. Ward are takin up a bed!! Gotta pee... later..nevermind breaks over!!

You know sitting here thinking-I was in recovery, clean for 2 1/2 years and I come in here and I'm getting straight up sicker!!! That's not what this is about-I was doing the right thing, going to meetings (occasionally), taking care of my family, and here I am sitting here with 16 females and 1/2 them are still sick and crazy!! The same people that pull us up for petty shit are doing way way bigger things. You know what else is funny she said she didn't know it would affect everybody (Ms. Ward) since DAY #1 I got told "community as a method" that means as a WHOLE. You do wrong, we all get punished... shut that shit up Ms. Ward you KNEW everybody would be affected.

Enough about her, and her hijacking our visits, and phone calls... wonder what my babies are doing. He's so cute! I am glad I got too see him keep the memories going of him. LUNCH TIME!! Out of the horseshoe for at least 45 minutes.

Just got done with G.I. tites-crazzzy! Whew... if it gets everybody in check I guess it's worth it though. We have been on silence since we encountered Ms. Ward. So this is the only way I can speak... I am a talker=I want to SCREEAAMM!! hahaha...Back in the horseshoe be back later!!

Just talked to Ms. Thornton we haven't had time anymore since we got out of red. It really sucks! We are sitting back in this horseshoe again. Such a mentally, physcially, emotionally draining day... I don't like that. We are all in a good mood now... but still the craziness will be back. Write later if I have time!!

So, all these seems crazy right? Well it was... this is what I like to call it an emotional boot camp. We had to stand marine style way hands behind our back, no talking in line... we did not march, and yell chants down the hallways.. we did that at our morning meetings. G.I. Tites are where you have to clean one area for like 15 minutes or something. A horseshoe is where we would sit in a horseshoe and figure things out about the community...

More writing later!! Stay tuned...

Giving Birth and Going away

June 26, 2008 my beautiful baby boy was born. It was a long process and one I thought I would never get through. We make it home and life is perfect... as perfect as it can be when your whole entire past is literally creeping up on you, as it was me. I decided to breastfeed because who knew maybe the court system in Ohio didn't remember what happened January 9, 2008. I ended up giving up after 3 weeks.. the baby was not getting enough, and my boobs were killing me (just last week we found out he was tongue tied explains the whole breastfeeding thing). A week later July 25, 2008 I receive notice that in 21 days I am to pack up my belongings, and fly to Ohio leaving behind everything I have created for 2 years now. 

I make arrangements for Sean with my mom, and Gary's mother. They had a whole plan worked out... Gary's mom stayed 7 or 10 days and then my mom took him during the day, and Gary picked Sean up after work. Seems chaotic, but it was a pretty smooth process. The only one feeling any of this was me I felt... I know everybody was sad, and trying to so hard to give me words of encouragement, but at the time I am a brand-new mommy to the most beautiful baby boy... I am a brand-new wife to a handsome man. And, here I am... leaving AGAIN... I felt like I was betraying my mother again, all over again... See, after my parents divorced not only was my father feeding me all that bullshit about my mom but I was going through my teenage rebellious stages. The summer that I turned 14 I went to Ohio to live with my father, the same year that I got kicked out of Highlands Christian Academy. So, I left to be with my father who I thought could provide me such a better life than my mom (who was I kidding). As previously mentioned my father is an alcoholic who has never received the help he should be. So, I always felt protective of my father to take care of him and I did. Eventually I met this guy that pulled me out of the house... not that the house I was going to was any better but at least I did not have the stress of a drunk all the time. I remember their was a time he was drunk for 3 weeks straight... one day I came home from school and there he was bottle of Vodka on his chest, eyes open... partially breathing... I remember screaming, throwing, and hitting him to wake him up. I finally got some cold water and threw it on him-I skipped 10 1/2 days of school that time and ended up dropping out it was more of a withdrawal but whatever. I was so mean to my mom and today it hurts me more than anybody could ever imagine.. so I very much felt like I was betraying my mother when leaving to go to Ohio again.

Before leaving I had to have a whole ton clothes... 10 pairs of everything, and a pair of white shoes and could not be more than 60% of a different color. So, I had 10 bras... 10 granny panty underwear, 10 white t-shirts, 10 jeans, 10 tube socks...no necklaces, jewelry except a band if married, no earrings, pretty much keep your possessions at the door. My mom and I went to wal-mart and purchased my products... I decided to pack it up in this green suitcase and that would be my travel bag. It would eventually end up staying in a dark closet down the hall from where my actual bed was. 

August 14 came and went... and I was in Ohio. I remember the day I left... it was a mess a total mess. Everybody was crying... the tears and emotions were too much to handle. And, here my precious baby boy.... not even knowing what was going on just sitting in his swing... August 15th was here and my mom took me to the jail at 9AM we had no idea what we were doing. My mom dropping me off at jail... this is unreal. I get booked in.. have to clean my hair with this lice stuff (the C.O. didn't make me use it). Got my picture taken... and I went to my cot. I was on the felony side... where the doors close at 10pm and lights are out... except it was so full I was in a bunk on the outside with 4 other girls. I always fit in everywhere I go.. so why would I not fit in where I should fit in, the other people that are just like me... This whole thing is still freaking me out because technically I have been out of touch with the street life for 2 years now and I am returning to put my game face on... is that what this is going to be like? Big mean girls... and tiny little ol' Abby. We played Uno, read books, wrote letters, learned how to make Jolly Rancher hair spray, communicate with the other side of the girl section..I knew some people in their so it kind of helped a little. On Saturday night we all set our mattresses outside and watched The Note Book... they let us stay up a little later. My dad (the only time he has fully supported me in ANYTHING) and my best friend (who supports me in everything) came to visit me that weekend. I told them I would never wear Orange again orange stripped shirt, orange stripped pants, with bright orange shoes... and orange is my favorite color. LOL!!  I was giddy... hyper like I was at home... why? Because I was in so much pain...

Monday August 18, 2008 I was transported from Tri County Jail in Mechanicsburg, Ohio to West Central Community Correctional Facility in Marysville, Ohio. My name was called... it was about lunch time and I was told to gather my belongings so I did. When I got out in the area to be transported they cuffed me... my hands, and my ankles.. and I was making bargains with the officer that I was not like all these other girls I won't run. Now when I think about saying that... I think "Not like these other girls, yes you are".. I am not better than them, I am the same as them... a felony, a baby at home.. I felt like the scum of the earth. So, here I am.. on this 45 minute drive to Marysville, Ohio and we pull up to the doors... I saw 3 people Mr. Hunt, Ms. Coble, and Ms. Nicol.. Mr. Hunt and Ms. Nicol were in red shirts with walky talkies... and Ms. Coble wearing a blue shirt. It was cold... I was the only intake that day because they tried to say I was special... and I was thinking special all right wait till' I let my anger out on this place. 

At the time I did not know these people doing my in-take... but soon they would become the woman that made me a very strong individual. The whole environment, the whole program... made me a different person. I had my suitcase... all my clothes, and I thought I would be able to bring my own books but I guess not. I was told to go in the bathroom.. pee in a cup, squat and cough (whoa whoa whoa excuse me)... put on this red scrub outfit and put this lice stuff in my hair (this time they made me do it)... I got a little laundry bag with deodorant, a hair brush, gel, 3 envelopes, a towel, a washcloth, and whatever else was in that bag. I just wanted my green suitcase... and I wanted my baby boy... my husband, and especially my mother.  

The worst part of this whole thing was... I had just started my period from the baby and it was bad (sorry for the gruesome details) and all this place had was teeny tiny pads. I called my mom that night and balled my eyes out about how tiny those pads were, and how this place was crazy... I had to stand in front of all these girls and tell them WHO I WAS... and I had a big sister that would tell me the rules, and how to make my bed (which I never mastered still)... when to pee, eat, snack, drink... this story is about to get even more interesting. And I could think about was... nobody tells me what to do! 

I will add one thing.. I tried so hard not to think about my life at home because I would have been broken more than I already was. When I first got to West Central I had to sit on this bench and I just starred at this board with all these names on it... balling my eyes out the kind where you just want to get on your knees curl in a ball and just break..Remember, I am still good at my protecting my feelings.. eventually one day in West Central I will break, but a good break...an ah-ha moment is what we called it.

Next, I will explain the program I was in for 4 1/2 months, the food we ate... my growth... and a journal entry from West Central:)

Come back soon!

Part II A Total Mess

        So, my cousin calls... November 3, 2007 and I am to be in court in TWO DAYS!!!! Holy cow.. what is going on? My heart is beating out of my chest, I am pregnant and scared to death  all this stress is going to make me have a miscarriage... and it is not like I can procrastinate anything because I have to fly to Ohio in 2 days to appear in court on a FELONY charge. A felony? Hell, I do not even have a seat belt violation, and now I have a felony. I'm thinking they will go light, right? I mean I am pregnant, and I have been clean for a year and a half... so, it should be all good. I call my mom and tell her the news I have just received and I honestly know we were both in shock, I was terrified to tell Gary because we had just found we have a precious baby coming, and a new relationship that is so healthy for me. All this was a blur of how people got told, and the shock we are all in. 
   My biggest thing still was trying to figure out where that kilo was that I supposedly trafficked into a different country because I still did not know where this had come from.. the more I thought about the situation and the whole charge 4th Degree Felony Trafficking in Cocaine 1,000 feet from a school-oh, so it had to have been that one time... no no no that was pot I sold... okay, so maybe it was this time that my "best-friend" from high school called me on the phone and told me she had just got done dealing with Children Services and it was her husband and her's anniversary and they just wanted to have some fun, and get high. Well I wanted to get high too... so I overcharged her, got my $ got her cocaine and that was that. However, I knew in my heart/mind that before I sold her the cocaine she had a wire on. After she left I called my friend and said "Kim just wore a wire on me" she did not believe me. *It was an eight ball I sold*
   It really went like this... She called, I agreed, she kept calling me for 2 hours every 30 minutes and that is what really caught me off guard to be honest-but I agreed because like any addict they want their fix too. She came over and we had to leave and go get it...the whole situation was just really off to me. She said it was a surprise for her husband so he dropped her off in the front of the complex and she walked over. She called me by name... so we got back and before we had got out of the car I looked at my roommate and said "I'm going to tell her to do a line with me if she does not she is wearing a wire on me" I did ask, she said no... and I still gave it to her!! 
    So, here we are... 2 days before felony court got to buy 2 plane tickets to Ohio-my mom was with me through this whole experience, as was my step-father, future husband (still not married yet), and the precious baby in my belly that had to go through all this also. My mom and I arrive in Ohio to talk to my attorney, he explains the whole process. My attorney is telling me everything.. such as you may not get to return to Florida the Judge could make you stay in Ohio until all court proceedings are over. No no no no no I told him I am getting married in ONE month, I will refuse... he said my life was now in the judicial system. The judicial system.. I mean I have always respected, honored, and been an upstanding citizen.. remember no seat belt violations is that not even enough? Obviously not... 
   We got into court... this HUGE building, a big room like you see on Law & Order a Judge's bench, witness stand, defense side, prosecuting side, juror seats...and seats in the back for all to watch this happen. This is unreal.. I had to wait for my Case # to be called 07-CR-0164 my attorney told me to plea not guilty so I did. My attorney asked that I return to Florida, that I am pregnant and whatever else... I was granted that. I was to report back to court in a month too see if I plead guilty under circumstances worked out by the Prosecutor and my attorney. 
   December 12, 2007-Back to court this was for my sentence recommendation the State (Prosecuting Attorney) and my attorney were to work out. Here are the stipulations

• 3 years community control, if I violate 12 months prison
• Defendant completed Talbot Hall 
• 200 hours community service
• No fire arms
• Driver's license suspended
• Pay the cost of investigation, and prosecution, jail costs, restitution, and $5 monthly for drug testing
  
  So, I plead guilty to my charge... I was then told to come back January 9, 2008 for my sentencing of the agreement above. I felt very confident... I can continue on with my wedding and know their is possibly no prison time sitting on the table for me. I get married to my other half, my best friend, my rock...go on our honeymoon, have Christmas... Happy New year !! Still pregnant... and back to court.

January 9, 2009- I got into court for my sentencing with $100 in my bra for good measure that my attorney said "The judge can do whatever he wants in this case he can disregard our recommendation and send you to jail and then prison I always tell my clients to put $100 wherever so when they get to jail they can put that on their books" Books? Is this bidding time? So, my mom hands me $100... and now I am seriously about to shit my pants... Walk in... Court case number 07-CR-0164 State of Ohio vs. Abby Davis here we go...

  The judge is late...? Really? OK, so he comes on the stand and I feel like at this point I am on death row waiting nervously. My court was weird because the Judge on the stand had said he HEARD I relapsed.. wait, excuse me did I hear you wrong? You "HEARD" I relapsed who the hell are you talking about MY case with was my first reaction after processing all of this stuff that just happened. I stood up and said "Your honor I have not relapsed" he then told me to sit back down (I have to tape also)... he then asks me "Ms. Davis, why has it taken you 2 years to get your G.E.D., seems we have incompetency?" My response "Your honor Math is a really hard subject for me so I got all the other subjects out of the way and have been working on my math, but am getting ready to take my G.E.D. test in April"... wait, did he just say that I was incompetent? I think he did... I was told I could say one last thing to the Judge before he handed me my ass whoopen "Your honor, I am pregnant, newly married and am a different person than I once was-I am working on my G.E.D., working full-time, this will cause me to go around the people that I have tried so hard to stay away from if you sentence me to prison"... Keep in my mind... My precious baby in my belly is going through this all with me

   Here we go... my sentence "The court finds the defendant has been convicted of Count I Trafficking in Cocaine it is ordered the defendant be placed upon Community Control for a period of three years, upon the following terms and conditions:

• Defendant pay court costs with 365 days 
• Perform 200 hours community service within 365 days of sentence, 20 hours a week (unless delayed due to childbirth or pregnancy)
•  Defendant to pay all costs of investigation, and prosecution
• Defendant is to report to Probation office following this court proceeding, and to report every 30 days 
• Obtain and maintain employment
• Bond released
• Random drug tests and participate in any mental health or drug/alcohol classes provided by probation department
• No drinking, drugs...
• Provide DNA and fingerprints
• $1,000.00 fine
• Driver's license suspended
• As an added condition of Probation the defendant should undergo an assessment with West Central Community Correctional Facility, and if defendant is admitted should return to Ohio 5 days after her doctors medical release after childbirth (remember, Im pregnant) after a time and date will be given to report to Tri-County Jail for 4 days before entering West Central Community Correctional Facility. Defendant is to reside and complete West Central Community Correctional Facility; release date is determined by West Central staff but shall not exceed 180 days. 
• Obtain G.E.D. within 365 days from sentencing
• Defendant to pay restitution in the amount of $180 (the same amount the girl gave me)

So, here I am... just about 4 months pregnant... going back to Florida to my new life I had created... my precious baby in my belly that has no idea his mother is going to leave just 5-6 weeks after giving birth. I am still shocked that a Judge could ever do this... my son and I now have an awkward relationship-there is no bond that a mother gets the first couple months of giving birth, his daddy and him have that... which is fine, it's great but it's still heartbreaking and sad to only be reminded everyday that our bond is nothing like it should be.... 

I give birth June 26, 2008 to a beautiful 8lb. 12 oz. 20 1/2 inches long... baby boy and we named him Sean Nicholas Beaulieu. He was perfect... chubby, but perfect... gave me a run for my money while pushing I was bargaining with the doctor about when he was going to get to vacuum his head was just like his fathers (big) haha!! On, July 25, 2008 the papers arrived... You are to report to Tri County Jail in Mechanicsburg, Ohio on August 15th for 4 days to report to West Central Community Correctional Facility on August 18th 2008. I really thought it would all go away... they would forget about sending me papers my sentencing was 6 months ago... but here they were in my hands... my baby crying in the background, Im crying.. and my husband is about to take on something he never thought would ever happen... Take care of a baby all by himself (with the help of his mom, and my mom of course)... 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel... but for now it will be dark until I come back to write:)

A total mess

I have been sitting here figuring out what to even name this blog... Craziness? A total mess? The day my world was literally turned upside down. 

So, I met Gary and we were very much into each other. At first I was skeptical because as I have said before he is older than I, by 16 years so at first it was a little sketchy and was hiding this from my mom. He worked at the family business and we did not know how others would react to this nonsense of us dating or even thinking about seeing each other. At this time I was getting my phone privileges back, so I was sneaking around calling Gary and we would literally talk for an hour or two. That says a lot of Gary because he hates to talk:) Let me first tell you how I finally got this man's attention!
  I took my mom's car (with her permission) and was going to a meeting at the beach. I had come to like this one, except it is hard for me to go to meetings and see the other people that are obviously still high nodding off in the chair while reading the NA book, or another sharing their own story. So, somebody at work had told me Gary was talking about me...and every time he came in the office he always gave me the side glance of "I see you girl" haha! So, I was on my way to a meeting and had my moms phone and she had Gary's number and I remember mom telling me that Gary always accidentally calls the office, or her from him pressing buttons in his pocket. I thought well this is the perfect time... I'll switch it around to say he must have accidentally called my mom's phone. I scroll to his name, while having a major anxiety attack that I am taking this risk of actually being turned down (which we all hate).. and hit the send button I pretty much threw the phone back into my purse but could hear him saying "Hello Kathy, Hello"... 2 minutes later he calls me unbeknownst to myself I answer and he says "I think you just called" and I said "No, it's Abby I did not call the phone was in my purse the whole time that's weird" and he kicked off and from there it went. That is our little love story....
   From there everybody at work found out and my uncle's words to my mom were "If they break up I'll fire Abby before Gary" hell I am his own niece.... but Gary put the buildings up (it was a construction company family owned). Well, that never happened... 
  In October of 2007 I had just had my period 2 weeks prior and my breasts were rather tender when touching or to put on a bra. I immediately thought "Oh my goodness I am pregnant" my mom had asked me to run an errand to my brother's and so I made a little pit stop to the Walgreen's, bought my pregnancy test, ran into the bathroom for it to pop up 2 pink lines in less than 2 minutes. I thought "holy cow-a-bunga" this is really happening. I had not even told Gary at the time that I thought I could be pregnant I just kind of went and did all of this... so, I am elated.. called Gary in the parking lot and said "I am pregnant" his first words were "Um how did that happen" I mean really I don't know you tell me Gar! LOL. 
   I went to my brother and walked in and said "We about to have a lil' babyG" (that was my nickname because I always try to act hood, you know) he was like "WHAAAT" went back to work and told my Aunt first so she could be in there when I told my mom... I just sat the pregnancy test on her desk and I think she cried, or was in complete shock that we did not even know what to do. I left Gary to tell his parents and family... his mother is Christian and would have wanted us to be married before all of this, as my mother too. 
   This is where it gets pretty tense in our relationship... In November 2007, I received a phone call from my cousin who lives in Ohio she said "Abby your name is in the paper and your being indicted on a felony 4 of trafficking drugs" I was actually trying to remember when I had last transported a kilo of cocaine (I know it's not funny but when one thinks of trafficking they think of large amount of the drug). She continues to say that I have to be in court for my arraignment on November 5th.. it is November 3rd I am 2 months pregnant (conceived in September) and about to get married in literally ONE month!!!!


Until next time.... the suspense always kills me:)

Back to Florida

So, here I am 7 days later on my way home from Ohio. It was really weird to go outside the first time because everything was so bright, and much more clear. The grass was almost greener, the sky a little bluer, and the sun was shining so bright. I remember saying that too... it was a whole different atmosphere. I stayed at Beth's house for a couple days and then my mom and Grandparents came up for a funeral. 


Finally arriving home my step father sat down and had a long talk with me. This was the first time we had actually spoken and been around each other. I knew the minute that he said he would help me with rehab that he was much different than my father. He explained to me that I would have rules, listen to whatever my mom had to say to me, and do as I was told. I did do as I was told... my mom (Bless her) had did the "I'm going to show her some tough love and not speak to her" which was just what I needed apparently she did do the right thing. See, after my parents divorced my father was feeding me with all this bullshit about my mother and I couldn't even stand the thought of her. Sad right? I would give anything now to have those memories back with my mother. 


So, my mother and I are trying to build back our relationship... this one time she came and picked me up at my ex-boyfriends house I had just taken 2 Dilaudid pills and we were off to Cleveland... not before having her pull over numerous times so that I could puke. She knew something was wrong, and I think she said something to me but I don't really remember. When I was 13 I ran away... I was grounded and left her a note on her bed while she was at the mall and took off. I'll never forget that night. 


So, anyways I am home now in Florida.. still May 2006 and the next day I am to start work at my Grandparents business. I have always loved going in their, and everybody knew about the problems I was going through so it is not like I had to sit and actually explain all of my problems about where I had been. Some of them asked, some did not...but I am sure it was the talk around about "what was she really using" I know at one point it was Heroin and I have never touched that. So, I am working 8 hours a day... 40 days a week and giving my paychecks to my mother; basically I was on house arrest but needed it. I was not allowed to call anybody on the phone, go on the computer (except at work), and was limited to the who I could hang around with. I started hanging out with my Aunt Lisa and the kids (Kylie, Kenton, and Kolton) a lot and going over to her house while my Uncle was out. We had fun... 


After about 6 months my mother and step-dad put me on a budget of $50 a week and had to buy my cigarettes, and whatever else I needed with that money. I was saving up to buy my car which I eventually did get. I would go to meetings but am the type that I am going to do this on my own, which I might also add not many can. I am not bolstering about this but I did not feel that going to meetings was going to help in my recovery. Remember, every bodies recovery is different and not one person is the same at all. So, just because I did not want to attend does not mean that it will not work for another. 


I ended up meeting a really amazing man during my journey of sobriety in September of 2006. He was older, handsome, head on straight, had structure everything that I really needed at that time (and still do). I have known Gary since well let's just say I have been head over heels for Gary for many many many years. He took me to dinner on our first date Steak and Al and it was awesome. From there it was all over and our future was starting.The first thing I had to do though was get this woman that he dated for 7 years out of the picture; they did have two dogs together but she left them and they were mine now. They say do not date until you have had 1 year sobriety, but he came along and if I did not grab him up when I had the chance I did not think I would ever get this man. I am a determined woman and will get what I want:) 


So, our first year was really rocky... I was just discovering who I was again, and he already knew himself. So, in this point in my life I am tense, uneasy about life, and discovering myself...trying to feel things that I have never felt. The one negative thing was I never got right into counseling to really work out the issues from the pain listed in my previous blog (self-esteem issues, father issues, relationship with my mom) of course everything worked out...Until later who knew that right around the corner I would eventually be indicted on a drug charge and HAVE to do this all over again. 


Until next time... 

Rehab

I have been sitting here debating on how to start a blog, where to begin... do I tell you about me and who I am or do I start off with whatever is on my mind. 


I'll start with my recovery process and how I knew I was addicted to drugs, and what made me want to actually get help.

It was the month of May in 2006 spring up in Ohio and I was very heavy into using drugs at this point in my life. I started smoking pot at 12, drank a little bit, but when I found pain pills it was like I was a different person. I felt good, happy, amazing, all those feelings that come with taking your first pill. I had such low self-esteem about everything in my life, I don't know why I knew I was pretty but did not feel pretty. I was always the type to have a smile on my face but deeply hurting inside. When something was bothering me I acted stupid, silly, hyper, and said the craziest things to hide the pain. 


The pain of leaving Galion, Ohio where all my friends from preschool were, the house I adored so much on Hessenauer Drive, the funeral home that was mostly my second home, having sleepovers, playing in my best friends basement for hours on end. The pain of my parents fighting, my father being an alcoholic, and the realization that nothing will ever be the same for us who lived in Galion, Ohio on Hessenauer Drive. The For Sale sign was up so it was eventually going to happen, but why? Just because dad wanted too... to hide from what he had done, to not be the talk of the town... I dont know but leaving Galion was the hardest thing that I have ever gone through.


You see, Galion was not like any typical suburban neighborhood, or town... it was one big family especially Hessenauer Drive. We protected, watched out, and had the times of our lives on that road. So, that was the pain I was running from... and when taking my first pain pill I never had to think about any of that pain ever again; I did not have to go through each day thinking of the moment my life changed forever I could finally move on. I had no idea at the time what drugs would do to, but I knew for sure what alcohol would do and I knew I did not want to be like that. 


I went to rehab May 17, 2006 trying to leave the drug infested person I had become. I did not even know who I was weighing 90 pounds a couple things I did know was how angry, filled with pain, low self-esteem, but I did not know why or how I had got to where I was. I will never blame anyone for my addiction because it was my choice to snort my first pill. It was back on Landon Rd. in Richwood, Ohio and I was just turning 17 so I was still 16 at the time. It was heaven, pure joy; or what I thought was pure joy and heaven... now I know what pure joy really is after being sober.


So, that was my first time taking a pill... it eventually progressed to where I felt pain everyday I did not have a pain pill... yes, the hurting pain I talked about before but also the pain in my body artificial pain the kind where addicts think they are in pain but are not they just need that fix. I overdosed a couple times, never serious to go get my stomach pumped but it still never made me stop. I was literally on the couch barely breathing... but the people around me were telling me that if I was puking I was going to be okay. My ex-boyfriend was disappointed in me... probably because he did not get that high. The next time I overdosed I had been up smoking crack for days and days and my legs started turning purple and I could not stop starring. So, I just jumped in the shower for literally a whole hour and a half and started right back up again. I was once again okay.... and back at it again. 


The whole time I was using drugs I never had a job and if I did it was for a day or two and then I would run out of pills so I could not go to work. Since I never had a job you may wonder how did I get my pills? Well, my ex-boyfriend had the supply eventually that got old to him so I would do what I had to do.. and NO I never sold my body for drugs that I do know. Most of the things I do not remember, or people will tell me what I did... like, my friend Teirra telling me that I was in her car one day and a Oxycontin fell out of my pocket and I was nodding out in her backseat. Defiantly do not remember that... 


I went to rehab at Talbot Hall in Columbus, Ohio all thanks to my mother, step-dad, and Beth and Julie for picking me up that day. I had been smoking crack still that day..so my first clean day was May 18th, 2006. (Beth & Julie if your reading this, now you know why I would not even touch my food at Bob Evans). You know why my dad wasn't there.. because he said "I didn't know the people you were hanging out with, or where I was going" it still doesn't matter what he says as to why when I needed him the most he was not there. 


See, the story with my father is... I was the parent from 14-19 thinking I had to take care of him skipping out on my childhood. It is nobodys fault why I did what I did. I have always just had a soft spot for people that are feeling lonely, or are lonely. It gives me anxiety to think that anybody feels lonely, or is sad and alone. That is the worst feeling in the world. I was so stuck on helping him that nothing else mattered not even school. When I was just a little girl and we had first moved down to Florida I always had to be around my father because I knew something was wrong. But, I was always the first (and still am) on pointing out when he is drinking. At 11, I showed my mother where all his Vodka bottles were... sad, right? Not for anybody but my father.. He lost everything to never have it back.


So, I go to rehab and am doing my assessment thinking they have to take me today because if I have to go back to Julie or Beth's house withdrawing from drugs they will never want to speak to me again, and when they fall asleep I will be out the door walking to find my next fix. I was already manipulating, and thinking of what I was going to be doing if a bed was not ready. I wanted to be there... but I also knew that right around the corner from Talbot Hall was the dealer  that my friends knew and I could go to also. So, we do the assessment the woman goes upstairs to find NO BEDS. I was in desperate need of a bed. As we gathered my belongings heading for the rotating doors the woman comes out and says "Wait wait.. God must be looking out for you because I have a bed" I knew right then that everything that I had did on May 17, 2006 from making the phone calls, to getting a ride was worth doing and something amazing was going to come out of this. And it did, and it is still happening...


So, my first night in Rehab all I wanted to do was sleep but of course I could not. So I sat in the smokers lounge getting to know my fellow addicts. I had a roommate... cannot remember her name but I will never forget her, or her story. See the thing with us addicts is we all have a story, many sound the same... but they are unique in their own way and each addicts story affects another differently. My story may touch one, rather than another... and that is okay as long as I am reaching out. 


By the way, I have A.D.D. so my blogs could be rambles at times... but I will eventually get back on track. 


So, the first night in rehab was okay... I got pills to sleep, and to relive the withdrawals and the next day I slept all day because before this I had been up literally for 7 days doing all kinds of drugs. And the next 7 days that I was in their... was HELL. I hated every minute of them telling me what I could and could not do, when I could sleep, and when I had to go downstairs to a meeting; wait until you hear about my incarceration experience. They discharged me... and a good thing because my Grandparents best friend of years passed away and they were coming up to the funeral so my mom would come and pick me up too. So, now I am back to Florida.....


Till' the next time!!