About Me

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I am going to be the one that will change many lives, will make a difference, and will inspire others like my life was inspired by others♥ I want to change the way people cannot get help for drug/alcohol addiction the way we should be able to get help, I want to change the way addicts think, get into the mind of an addict, and HELP them Married, and a mommy to 1.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

It's December

I started this blog with intentions to write every single day. That has certainly not been the case, huh? The week of Thanksgiving until the beginning of the year is always, and has always been hectic for us. We have my husbands family about 4 hours away so we go see them, Christmas with them; then Christmas my family, work Christmas parties, and tons of birthdays in December, as well as my hubby's and I anniversary. I am apologize for not writing as much, but I am sure that everybody understands it is Christmas after all:) 

After the first of year when all this madness stops I will be back up and writing. 

I hope everybody has a beautiful Christmas, we must always remember the reason for the season:) 

I read somewhere that some parents do not teach Santa in their home instead teach about Jesus. What do you guys think of this? I have been debating the idea... when I start talking about Santa coming in our house from the rooftop with reindeer's my sons eyes get as big as saucers (it's kind of cute though). One of the reasons the mother would not teach Santa is because it is a "lie" and when the child grows up he is not really there and the parents feel like they have lied? It's a fun thing to do, and a "fun lie" I guess. 

So what do you guys think??

Until next time...<3

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Friends

Each holiday passes Thanksgiving and Christmas and on these days and around these holidays... I always think of the girls in West Central. It is sad to know they will not be with their families... but thankful they are getting help and not out on the streets, or wrecking havoc on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love thanksgiving but also love love Christmas. It is my favorite... not because of the presents but because of the cooler weather, being with Family and remembering the true reason for the season.

I think of the addicts that are suffering, the ones in denial, out on the street... or even in a treatment facility that have not yet found the way. I think of the families that will never truly understand their children, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, dad, or mother. Lately, I have been going through some pretty major reality checks with my friends. The ones that want to be secretive, the ones that think "oh its just a D.U.I.", the ones that think they are so invincible and nothing can happen to you. I am still friends with people that use not a lot but some of my friends I still speak with. I remained friends with them because I was hoping to inspire them, and show them this is the best way to go. Has it worked? NO, they all think I am stupid (as I cannot tell when you have that raspy voice your high)... or the ones that call and pretend everything is fine and 2 days later you get a phone call "oh guess who I just saw buying dope" oh really I just talked to them 2 days ago and they said they were "perfect". Yep, it is that cloud... everybody wants to hang around. I think do you not see everybody around you has been to prison because of what they do (and you do too). I know many of them come to me for help because I will never ever forget where I came from... I will never forget my story of loosing everything to gain it back... to loose it again after giving birth. It is not that I lost it again after having my son because I was currently using... I went away because of my previous actions and not thinking before I did. Not thinking that a year and half after doing the drug deal I would be pregnant and married... who would have thought that. I thought I would feel stuck forever as a drug addict and I never saw past that. Sometimes my friends throw it in my face "well your just clean because you left this town" or "your just spoiled" crazy right? I mean it's whatever... doesn't bother me. They will see once they TRULY get sober how much I was really there for them, and really tried to help them. I get frustrated but I never feel betrayed by their comments because I have been where they still are and I will always remember where I was. If I forget... then I could fall off and I do not want that. I have tried to dwindle them away slowly and it has worked...

I am also the type of friend that will enable the situation. I know I know it's terrible I do that. If one friend calls me and says "yeah I just did a pill" I'll be like awesome rock on... and I think I did it because I know how hard it is to convince somebody they are an addict, and need help so I just let it roll. I have realized and will fix this. It is terrible I do that. I know how hard it is to fix an addict, and get that addict to admit... but when they come to me and say "I feel like I need help it is getting a little out of control" then I will fight till' the very end for that person. I got a phone call on 9-29-2011 from my Aunt telling me that my cousin just overdosed and she was being pumped, and had been given a shot of Narc-on (adrenaline) to come out of it... they had to use the paddles all the way to the ER and give her another shot of Narc-on before she came out of it. I did not enable my cousin at all... but I knew sometimes when she relapsed and would scold her and go on-sometimes I would tell my Aunt but nothing was ever done so I would leave it alone. She lives in Ohio, and I live in Florida so it was a little hard to physically be there. After getting that phone call... I will never ever again enable and say "rock on" to somebody that tells me that. From now on I am going to say "oh wow your too cool for school" haha... at least I have realized this about myself. I have been doing more self-discovery since writing this blog and find it helpful and therapeutic.

Happy Thanksgiving<3 And remember, to be thankful we are alive:)

11-27-2008 HAPPY THANKSGIVING
Haven't wrote for a while it's thanksgiving my baby boys first one! He is going to his Gma & Gpa's for Turkey day. We have been watching the Macy's day parade in here... we are all trying to have a really good day. Emotions are running high today not being with our families. It really does suck a lot. Most of these girls in here should be thankful they are even alive. Gosh, my hands are so dry. (Can we say major ADD... haha talking about thanksgiving to my hands are dry-really haha)

Ms. Mullins is pissing me off! 32 days and I can't wait!! Well, I am going to go. We are about to watch a movie. Don't know what yet...but it's going to be a good day. After Kennedy leaves I got 4 weeks left! Write later.. <3ya Abbs xoxo ONE DAY AT A TIME!

11-27-2008 9pm
  What a good day-as good as it can be with no family. We ate so much today. My throat and neck hurts, I hope I am not getting sick. A lot of people were on edge today but you can expect that. The staff did everything they could to take our minds off of this. Gosh almost 30 days and I am gone! Can't wait!! Got my green shirt officially in 3rd phase on 11-26-2008:) YAYYY! (3rd phase means I am going HOME)

Well, got to go!
Love ya,
Abbys
xoxo
One day at a time!! GARY ABBY SEAN = MY life!

****This was a Thanksgiving post while locked up****

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Lately

I admit since my last blog it has been nothing new. I have been having some huge reality checks coming my way this week like I needed anymore reality checks then the ones I get on a daily basis with my son. 

I have taken a break from school for the holidays. I just have 2 more years and will have my Bachelor's in Psychology. I am oh so excited too. I felt I wanted to really get into the Holiday spirit this year because the last 2 years I was a true buh-humbug. 

Here is our tree..
It's tiny but for a tiny family<3 S is the perfect age for this stuff so I am super excited and have been thinking about things to get him. Of course he tells me every toy commercial he sees he wants that!

I also did some crafts with him this year. Reindeer's, Christmas trees, the word JOY, and stockings made out of construction paper. He had a blast with that:) 

I have always loved the Holidays. I am really glad I have taken the opportunity to enjoy it this year instead of being piled in homework and books. 

I also made my first pumpkin pie today!! I have yet to try it... but think it looks and smells delicious!! 

Anyways, this is my update! Will post a longer one later tonight or tomorrow. I have some topics to use that I could get off my chest!

Until Next Time...

*Be Kind to one another* Report bullying! 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Claiming my Power in Recovery

When I was incarcerated we had to do tons of treatment plans, and read different things. The past two days I have been doing nothing but cleaning and going through things. It is always fun to go through old things we have not seen for many years. I read a pamphlet called Claiming my power in Recovery-the first step for woman. I am going to share what I learned from this. I remember reading this and how powerful it was when I did. Below you will find what I wrote:

This pamphlet was a very good read. It states in here that recovering woman encounter the issue of power early into treatment. You have to first think about what is power? Power is the ability to act, to create, to do, to produce, and to affect outcomes. Power also equated with strength, authority, or influence; it can be a source of energy. In this pamphlet it says that people that have been sexual or physically abused feel lots of anger because of the powerlessness they have gone through in the abusive relationships. Some woman entering recovering feel the first step is hardest to admit they are powerless and unmanageable because it makes them feel helpless or it's forcing them to give up the power they have already gained back. You can try rephrasing the first step by saying such things as "because of my chemical use my life is not healthy, happy, and rewarding as it should be". It also states that "my power is based on my ability to admit that my chemical use controls me and on my unwillingness to work toward creating health and joy in my life". Step one does not have to be hard, but it can be very challenging for many woman. By going to treatment helps us stop the process of our chemical use and breaks the power chemicals have on us. Empowering ourselves during recovery is a way to replace bad thoughts or feelings about ourselves with positive attitudes and feelings. You also have to be realistic and know relapse can happen, but if it does we need to be the first to admit and do what we need to do. Do not spend time with the guilt and shame because you relapsed that will just keep the using going. Contact a sponsor  go to a meeting, or return to a treatment facility. Exercise is another good part of recovery; it is not only healthy but can make a woman feel good about themselves. Recovering woman are strong powerful role models for all genders. It helps us ask boldly for what we need, and express ourselves freely. When we become involved in the recovery process we become empowered. There is so much in this world other than alcohol and drugs that if we just stopped we would learn how to live free and sober as woman.

Interesting right? Back in the day men were the powerful ones, and then soon woman became that also. Woman feel the sense to empowered because everything that we really do on a daily basis. But, when the power is taken from us (abusive relationships, work, etc) we feel defeated and who likes to feel that? I remember writing this and remember thinking how powerful that really was.

Here is a poem I wrote back when I was newly sober. This is who I lost my power too

Goodbye
You were the one that made me smile, cry and laugh
when we first met, it was crazy like a dream
I found him, the man of my dreams

Then it all changed,
you introduced me to drugs
it all went from there...
At first it was great, you would get me high,
you would share...
then sharing became a fight...

Our love went down
and I kept thinkin why
The man of my dreams
is slowly drifting away
Every night out looking, mean if you didnt score

My love for you turned to hate, total disgust
I hated when you would come home
Fearing the unknown
There were always questions in my head

I never really stopped loving you
Just stopped showing it
I stopped the romance
and started the fights

Finally I gave up, we werent going anywhere
If the drugs would not have interfered
our love was real...
I wasn't ready but it was right
I had to say goodbye on the fearful night...

I said goodbye
to our love,
to our memories,
to the man of my dreams (I thought)

I think when I wrote that and where I am now. I truly found the man of my dreams married for 4 years and together for 5.. he is amazing, my best friend... he supports and understands.

Thank you for letting me share

Until next time...

Monday, November 7, 2011

My best friends

I had the privilege of being in 2 weddings this year. October 1st my best friend of 10 years got married. She has been the older sister role model in my life...the one that taught me the bad, good, and in between. We all have those friends, most of the time though they drift away. We are so much alike we can sometimes get on each others nerves. We both are very high strung people so we do not really level each other out but that is what makes us so unique in our friendship. I know the minute something fails, or goes wrong I can always count on her to be there. I probably have not been the best of friend to her... we all have those moments when we get really caught up in our own lives that we forget about the people around us that truly love us and care for us. I was so honored to be a part of her special day. 
This is me at her wedding 10/1/2011. They had been together for 11 years so 10+1=11 and the year 2011. Unique right? I thought it was amazing. Her and her husband are a true example of you can always make it through the rough and come out strong. They are amazing people, and have the best little boy ever. I am so honored to know her, and her family. She has been through so much in her life, with little support (financially) she put herself thru college, payed for her whole wedding, and has worked her butt off to provide for what is hers. I will always look up to this girl... she has saved me so many times. I love you<3


The next wedding was the weekend after this. 10/8/2011 my best friend of 23 years! Yes, I said 23 years amazing incredible and awesome right? 
A stunning dress for a stunning person:) When I was incarcerated if it had not been for her coming to visit me each and every Sunday to laugh with I may not have made it through but luckily she did and I made it thru. She drove a 1/2 hour once a week too give me hope, encouragement, laughs, jokes, and the latest in her life. In 1996 when I moved there was no internet, Skype, Facebook, Myspace, blogs or anything...it was a regular piece of paper and a ball point pen with those cute little stationary envelopes and a stamp. Long distance phone calls were expensive then and did not have those 5 cents a minute so we wrote letters, and wrote letters... if I would not have moved so much I would probably have them. They are somewhere I am sure of that. It is amazing to look at the pictures over the years of all of us (her sister & my brother) and see we are still friends. We both have babies and are married. Who would have thought? We have been thru similar situations in life. She is defiantly the sister I truly never had from the age of 2 to the age I am now (25). We lost touch during our rough times but always found our way back to each other. She is amazing, loving, kind, passionate, an awesome teacher, and one hell of a mom!! 

From left to right Me as Snow white...my brother as SuperMan... J in purple coat and N in blue coat. This was so long ago and each year or every other year we get the same recreation of this photo. 

2008-right after I gave birth they came down to visit us and see my handsome little boy. They are incredible people.

2011 at her Rehearsal dinner. Is this not amazing! Every time I think about I think about how lucky I truly am to be able to have known them for as long as we have. Me in the red shirt... my brother in the gray shirt... and then the pink and black dress and white shirt they are sisters. We are all brothers and sisters we do not see it as a friendship but as a family.

I also got to meet her daughter for the very first time since she gave birth. Financially I just could not afford to go up there twice in one year so I held out and got to see her for the first time right after she turned 1. I was amazed how we are mothers, and our children are so special to us. They may not get to play every day together but they will know who they are and will enjoy each other when they see each other.

I love Ms. H she is the best little girl. I got to watch her for a whole day and I will tell you this little girl is a blessing. No whines, no fusses, no messes:) My best friend is truly blessed with her as her daughter.
One more because I am so in love with this little girl:)

This is my little boy and my best friend. 2008 we have been there for each other for the good and the bad not many can say that about their friends. 

Our kids playing:) My son was tickling her it was the cutest.

I am so grateful to know these 2 beautiful amazing woman and was so honored to be part of their special day. I want these two girls to know exactly how I feel even if I may not show it all the time. 

The best part is we all get along and have so much fun together!! I love you both more than words could express.


It is so important to have your friends and these 2 girls have been my backbone, and never betrayed me.

Friday, November 4, 2011

My Fears

I have so many fears and wonder often where they come from. I know one of my biggest fears since my drug conviction is driving in my car... getting pulled over... having my son in the car and they see I have a felony with a drug charge and search my car. This will be fine to search... I just do not want to have my son with me and wonder what is going on. Or, what if there is a computer glitch and it says I have a warrant and I am again taken from my family. I fear a corrupt cop, which we all know there are some. Just recently in my city 2 detectives were arrested for extortion, kidnapping, and about 20 other charges. How do I teach my son they are good people when all I see on the news is how corrupt they can be too. 
Another fear is my son getting hurt, my husband leaving me, my low self-esteem that it will return and shatter me into pieces. Fears of somebody coming in my house while I am home. Taking a shower alone when nobody is here. A fire from cooking. Failing. Not succeeding. Loosing another friend/family member to drugs or alcohol. 
When looking at my fears written out I feel crazy in my head... where did they come from? Why are they there? I know I watch way to much news and am caught up on the latest horrific crimes that happen. Watching Investigative Discovery is my Saturday thing... but why? Then I grow more fears. I fear my son walking out the door one day and somebody grabbing him. He is so friendly... would he know the difference between a stranger and knowing the person; he is constantly saying hello to strangers. It is his innocence and he gets that from me (being outgoing and having an awesome personality; I say hello to everybody and smile). I am not going to tell him not to say hello to people but does he know the difference? Heaven's no he doesn't know the difference he is 3 years old and full of pure innocence. If he is jumping around I fear he will fall and break his tiny ankle...
I remember my niece cracking up at me on our yearly girls trip because I have so much anxiety and fear consuming my body. It's not funny but I laughed it out with her just because. It is crazy that I fear the littlest things not even I can control. I do know the Lord can control my fears and by giving them to him He will be the one to set me free. I have to keep thinking "things happen, life happens". My son at 1 years old had a seizure his fever was 105.6!! I was using an under the arm thermometer and it was giving me readings of 99.1. I remember calling my mom and telling her he felt hotter than what the thermometer was giving me. I am a first time mom I did not know rectal and ear thermometers were the best to use. Mom tells me to put him in the bath and it will cool him down... 5 minutes later he was seizing and like that for a good 10 minutes. I called 911 hung up and just got in the car, my husband holding my son (still seizing) windows down rushing him to the hospital. Now when he gets sick I stay up all night, he has a fever I take him straight to the doctor. It helps me sleep better (kind of). 

 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. (Isaiah 41:10, NLT)
This is so true we should not fear because ultimately God is wish us and He does give us the strength and He does help, guide, lift us up. Each day I have to give a fear to the Lord for him to take. I know I cannot stop what is going to happen... that is the thing I do know I cannot stop it but then it is hard to stop having that fear.
Today I am giving the fear of failing to the Lord. He will always guide me in the right direction. I feel He has guided me to read the different posts I have read today on fear. I do not feel so alone we all have fears. I do not feel so crazy anymore, as long as each day I continue to give a little bit more to God. 

Some Quotes
"Troubles are a lot like people - they grow bigger if you nurse them.  ~Author Unknown"

"I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and abundance.  Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep getting a busy signal - and soon they'll forget my number.  ~Edith Armstrong" 

Leaving behind my fear so I do not live a life in my own prison.

Until Next time<3


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Giving up & Enabling the Addict

How do we give up on the one we love the most? Either we gave birth to this person, a parent, a best friend since childhood, aunt, uncle, grandparent, sister, brother...how could we possibly give up on somebody? We know this person can be a better person, and has so much potential so we feel we need to stay in that persons life; not only do we feel we have to stay in that persons life because the question always lingers "what if they die". We could possibly not ever live with ourselves because we gave up on them, we were only showing them tough love. I know it is seriously the hardest thing to think about but eventually the addict is out of control and needing somebody to give up on them. Are we really giving up though? I do not see it as giving up, I see this as showing the other person that living the life they choose will not get them anywhere, and maybe you should start to listen to us. 


I am not only an addict.... but I am also the enabler that had to give up. I am also an addict that was showed the tough love in order to recognize that I was not going to amount to anything unless I stopped using drugs. I am a mother...he is three years old and I hope to never have to go through the decisions my mother went thru when trying to figure out what to do. She was strong in her decision making about "giving up on me" and eventually I realized. In one own's opinion I feel that after the second chance of trying to help the addict we should really just give up because the addict has to want the help. If the addict does not want the help, they will not succeed. 


My father was a drinker my whole life. When I lived with him it was a small town and everybody knew everybody. When my father would get drunk he would hand me money over $200-$250 at a time and tell me to go get him a 24 pack of Natural Ice and I could keep the change. I did it every time he asked... why? Because I was the drug addict always seeking my new high. I never really looked at myself as an enabler but in fact I was, and little did my father know but he was enabling my habit as well. I was coming home at 5AM all coked out but he would have never known that since he was drunk from the 24 pack. Sometimes he would notice and think something awful happened... well dad those bags under my eyes are not black eyes it's from snorting coke for 3 days! Hello where have you been? That's right drunk on the couch... he would have never know if I had a party at my house! 

We first should always set boundaries and limits with the addict. We do not give them money if it that important take them to the store and get them the food they need. If they need clothes direct them to the "free" store in your area, they need drugs show them the nearest rehab. Do not go out and give them money, buy them a car, give them a house, take them to the dope man's house, basically cut them off. 

These are my parents... If it were not for my mother totally giving up and my step-father encouraging her I probably would not be where I am right now. I am very thankful for that, thankful that she actually did it because I am 5 years clean. She would answer my phone calls but if I was not asking for help they were very short lived conversations. I honestly do not even remember how often I called or anything.. and, when I called her in May 2006 for help I had to make all the phone calls. She did not help me... because honestly it took me 2 weeks or something to make the actual phone calls.

That was the only way I was going to be successful if I made the phone calls, asked to go to a meeting, talking about my problems. I have enabled my father and eventually had to give up on that because it was not going anywhere. He would go to rehab... come out of it... go to meetings... sponsor... then cur-plunk he hit the bottle again. I just recently stopped speaking to him again... it's been about 2 maybe 3 months. Nothing is different... He had been drunk from Memorial Day to August or something of this year... he started some crap I honestly do not even know how it happened but it just felt like that same stuff only I was not there in person. I am done... told him he could only contact me via e-mail. 

Enabling is only a vicious cycle just like someone suffering from addiction. It starts slow but gradually the process is like a spider web. The addict and the enabler keep getting tangled in the addicts behavior. The only problem is the more the enabler enables the worse the addict can get.

We have to release the addict. Hope & Pray they become the butterfly.

Until next time...

Monday, October 31, 2011

Throwback Days



Wow right? I am the one in the pink dress talk about skinny!! I am short so when I lose weight you can defiantly tell. My neck bones are popping out and you can see the bones in my chest. I had already been kicked out of school at this time but the girl beside me she is my best friend from Richwood, Ohio. She was the first one I meet that was just like me! I started going through my old journals from my days of being sober I did not know I actually had this. Then I found the journal that my ex gave me because he knew how much I loved to write. 

Here is a journal from 8/29/2006 at 9:02p.m. this guy at my work was trying to get Gary and I hooked up. So it says "Last week, or maybe the week before that Scotty came up to me and was talking about how Gary liked me. I didn't believe it. Then yesterday I was in the back (at my office) and Scotty and Gary were back there and I was walking up to the front and Scotty said to Gary "Did you hook it up yet?" Gary said no because of his job and shit. I totally understand that but damn he is so sexy! I would literally die if he asked me out on a date" and he did<3
This was when we first got together in 2006, and he still has my heart<3

Here I am going threw this stuff again and crying. Not because I am sad... but because what was I really thinking, and wanting when I was using. It is so scary to think that I did this to my body, and my family. I just pulled out a letter from dad because when I got clean I was not allowed to speak with him. I think I had mentioned in a previous blog my Grandfather had passed away... the letter on the 2nd page was "Your grandpa went peacefully." I was not allowed to attend the funeral... I was just newly sober, back home, and if I were to go I would be going back to the old place I was using drugs at. I was very sad... cried a lot... but one thing I knew was Grandpa knew why I could not be there. My grandpa was not a talker much, but he listened well. He always knew what was going on with his grandchildren, and up-to-date on current sports events around. He was a Chief firefighter for many years so when they had his funeral they set up 10 fire trucks in the procession of the funeral, at the cemetery 2 ladder trucks at the entrance and a huge American Flag hanging from the ladders draped down. Just how he would have wanted. I remember being so upset about not attending I wrote all of my cousins apologizing for not being there. We are a huge family and at one point we were all very close...not so much anymore. Over the years the Christmas dinners expired, and Thanksgiving was at everybody's house and not just Grandma's. 

It is crazy how going back in time can be emotional even when they are moments we do not regret and know they were for all the right reasons. Here is a journal from 2006 in January right before I went to Rehab in May. I was defiantly breaking for sure...

Jan. 5, 2006
Hey what's up? Not shit just chillen at Nana's. My life is very miserable. I screwed so much shit up in my life it will never be the same. I feel so out of control and lost with no hope to go on. Nothing will be the same ever ! I screwed up a really good relationship with my mother again...I just pack up my things, and off I was on 95 going back to my abusive ex-boyfriend. I do not think I will ever be "okay" with this feeling I have. My life is just slowly slipping away... like a rain drop falling off of a leaf. I feel like everything I do is not good enough for anybody weather it be the ex, mom, dad, brother-somebody is always telling me it's wrong. They are always breathing down my neck telling me what to do and how or what I did wrong. I am freakin psycho-I probably would not think like this if I wasn't told this so many times in one day. My life is shitty.. I hate myself, the person I am, who I have become..I am ready to have my first nervous breakdown. Well, I'm just going to go smoke my cigs and hang out. 
Abbs

In August of 2005 I came back home to Florida.. I do not really remember what ended up happening and why I ended up coming back home to Florida but I did. I stayed with my brother at my Grandparents condo in Deerfield Beach, FL for a while. It was Hurricane season and Hurricane Wilma had just hit in October 2005, we were without power for 2 weeks or something. My mom and step-dad bought me a car a 1999 Black Sunfire (which ended up being totaled). I had about $160 in the bank...packed my things up and off I went. I stopped at a Nextel store to get a car charger and I left. Up the 95 corridor heading to Ohio. I left at 3 in the afternoon and got to Ohio the next day at Noon just in time for the Ohio State Buckeyes game. I did not call my mom, or my brother until I was later in my trip because they would have talked me out of it. I do not even think it was going back to my ex-boyfriend as much as it was going back to get the drugs! That is what it was all about... the drugs not the boyfriends, sex, or friends. It was all for the drugs... For real, when an addict is using it is not about anybody else but the drugs. The addict when using does not even love themselves so how could they possibly love anybody else. It is all so real to me now.. and the feelings in that journal in Jan. are all too real I remember feeling, and writing this. 

Until Next time....

Happy Halloween!!! We are flooded in down here in South Florida...hope everybody has a good Halloween<3

Here is my little pirate

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Forgiveness and Acceptance

Lately, I have been dealing with learning to accept things, and trying to figure out how many times you can forgive one person? First, let's talk about forgiveness.
I want to share a quote with you. I read this and it makes perfect sense. For example, I can forgive my father but then again I can never forget those times he really hurt my brother and I. We all say "I'll forgive you but I will not forget what you did too me" remember saying that when you forgave your boyfriend for cheating... or the times maybe your father walked out on you... or a time your best friend betrayed you. I can remember saying that many times in my life to friends, boyfriends, especially my father. If we forgive then we must forget also, right? Burn it, throw it in the fire to never think of that moment? I am one that {sometimes} always remember the past, but have been working on accepting. The hardest part sometimes of forgiving and also forgetting is if the offense is a repetitive behavior. Sometimes I just here and think how I could forgive a person that took many years away from my mom and I... or sometimes acted like a sperm donor. I have always been a forgiving person, too forgiving... but I never forgot what that one did to me. If we forget what that one person did does that mean we could be easily fooled again? I was fooled many times in my life.. as I am sure we all have. So, how do we get past forgetting what the person did in order to forgive? In my opinion, we first need to try and work thru the steps of forgetting then work on forgiving. On www.webmd.com it says that if we forgive and forget we could lower our blood pressure, have a stronger immune system..so there are health benefits to this? Not only will the resentment, anger, hate, and bitterness go away but we will also be a healthier person.
There is always a positive. 
Now acceptance... how do we accept how others are? How do we accept the way our lives have turned out? Acceptance is one very important thing I have been working on. If somebody upsets me I have been saying that I just have to accept that individual the way they are. I cannot change them but also give them my opinion-like it or not you'll hear my opinion. 
               "Accept everything about yourself -- I mean everything, 
                         You are you and that is the beginning and the end --
                               no apologies, no regrets."
Even though I have made many mistakes, and things did not go as well as I had planned (in the end they did) I still never held regret for what I did. Everything that happened was because of my wrong doing it was a little hard to accept that I was now a felon and my behavior lead me to having a felony. Is it funny how when living that lifestyle we all feel invisible? That would be with anything... being a daring person you could be invisible to the fact that you would never get hurt. I never held regret for my behaviors but instead have grown from them. Learned that sometimes tragic things happen to make us realize... but I do accept the lifestyle I had because hopefully I can inspire other addicts to change their lives, and accept that part of their lives. Being an addict is not to have shame... because we are different.. but it is to learn the paths we took were not always that good, and we have now come to accept that. It is a process, but a healthy process. 

Until next time.... <3



Friday, October 28, 2011

Settled In

I am home finally and all settled in from a crazy place I once called home, and had so many sisters (something I have always wanted). I am enjoying the comfort of my own home, cooking, cleaning; we cleaned a lot in there but this time it was not on my hands and knees picking up hair, spraying Windex on the bathroom appliances to make sure not a smear was on there. My little baby boy was not so little anymore he was 6 months old and weighing about 20 pounds (if he wasn't it was close) those Grandmothers feed him well:)


I could not be more thankful for all those that stepped right in and helped Gary and Sean while I was gone. I felt so helpless, and had very little hope... but I knew deep inside they were well taken care of. I was unsure on how to be a mom... Yes, I was there the first 6 weeks but now he is bigger, sitting up, holding toys, you know all those firsts I missed he was doing. I was overwhelmed but thankful to be home. Yes, there were those thoughts of this is so much, and when can I go back to my sisters, and my family room 4...and on Friday's cooking in the kitchen and serving the staff and residents. No more of those...this time I was serving dinner to my boys, and being with my family for the first time!


I had a counselor in West Central who put her all into everything she did for us. She was always on our case, always telling us when we were messing up, when to get our shit straight, how to open up, be a woman, and face the problems to get well. She was awesome...and the very one that inspired me to be a Substance Abuse counselor. She impacted my life just as most of the staff did because each person in that place had a huge part in all of our journeys to become a better person, wife, girlfriend, friend, daughter, granddaughter, niece and so on. Not all of them were addicts, but some were and they could all relate like they had been there. Were they always on the same page not always but certainly knew when to stop badgering and just be there for us. They broke us down to build us up...was it sometimes very hard? Yes, because the whole staff knew deep down we could all succeed to become wonderful people outside of our drug fogged mind. My counselor knew just the right treatment plans, and she saved the best one for last... the treatment plan on my dad, because she had to break me down just a little before I left to make me strong against him again and not so weak. That was the hardest treatment plan... but it helped me to build that concrete wall so that he could never break thru.


My dad, see he is not a bad person..he's an alcoholic I don't know if you would call him a binge drinker, alcoholic, or what. He is the type that will go 6 months of working to saving his money to 6 months of drunkenness. The first 3 months he will be drunk, and the next 3 months he will be sobering up and once again on the hunt for a job to save up more money. I was always daddy's little girl, but remember as stated in previous blog that I am also the type that cannot stand for somebody to be alone, or even feel alone. It gives me anxiety to think that somebody feels that way. He had this way of manipulating me, blaming me, and laying guilt trips on me. When he is not drinking he's awesome, fun, funny, and a really great guy. He has always had this way of being able to get into my head, feeding me bullshit, and I would be eating it believing him. When I was 14 I went to live with my dad to help him, take care of him.. and from 13-19 I was back and fourth from Ohio to Florida. My mom would come pick me up because my dad would be drunk and I would start school in Florida and then leave again... I remember one family member telling me once that "he cannot handle a teenager" excuse me? Then he should not have had sex with my mother!! DUH... 


In February 2009 I decided to sign up for school online. My husband and I felt it was best for me to stay at home instead of daycare so I did. I started at the University of Phoenix majoring in Psychology and love learning something new everyday about myself, and others. I like the online experience of schooling I do not sit in a class all day long and listen to an instructor. I had A.D.D. I could possibly not sit still for that long. I am still going and have since transferred to Florida Institute of Technology majoring in Applied Psychology concentration in Clinical Psychology... and hope to one day get a second bachelors in Forensic Psychology. My whole goal is to be able to counsel addicts, but I also would love to work in a prison or an environment that I was in (Therapeutic Community). 


Sean (my son) is 3 years old now and a healthy big boy! He brightens my day every day, and knows just how to make me laugh. My mother in law told me that when I was not around she felt that Sean knew his mother was just not around. She said he never smiled, and was a very placid baby... but now mama is home and he is wild, crazy, clever, funny, and awesome to be around. He had the chance to live in the Bahamas while Gary husband was working over there, he loves the beach but sometimes the waves were a bit too high and he would get scared. It was beautiful, peaceful, and meet tons of awesome people...just not a place to live with a kid. 


My husband and I are now going on 5 years of being together, and 4 years of marriage. He is the best, and I am truly thankful for everything he does and is still doing for us each day. I knew the minute I saw Gary when I came back that if I did not take the opportunity and try this that I could possibly let the man of my dreams go... and I could not have that happen. He is just simply amazing and words cannot even describe how in love I am with him.





Until next time... 

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

One-Way Ticket Home

In November sometime I got my out date when I would be going home. December 29, 2008 I would have a one-way ticket to my house, my baby boy that I do not even know, my husband, and my mom...

My mom and I had a really hard relationship-it was not the typical "teenage years". I ran away while she was at the mall one day, I hit her, said the worst things to her, it was so awful. If anybody takes anything from this specific blog always remember that your mom is your best friend, and when she tells you something just do it because technically mothers are always right (Moms have your daughters read LOL). I would give anything to take back the years, tears, and heartache I caused her. I do not think I even tell her that enough...but she knows I am here now to not go away. My husband and I had the opportunity to travel and live in the Bahamas for 5 months while he was working, came home and had the opportunity to travel to Cape Canaveral, Florida and he worked there for a while. The Bahamas trip was okay-not a place to live but to travel-the 2nd trip was harder. Even though I had my husband, and baby boy... these feelings of leaving my mother were coming back of abandoning her once again. I ended up coming home, not just for that but because I needed the internet to do my schooling. I was so angry, and tense... why? Because these feelings of being separated from those I love make me crazy. When I was using drugs it was in my drug addicted mind okay to leave them...but now I become angry and nobody can even stand to be around me.

See, when leaving Rehab I was coming home to my parents who gave me structure, and a schedule. When I went to West Central everything was structure, and defiantly on a schedule (and not a minute late).. when I came home my son was already 6 months old so I switched right into structure, and schedule. So when my schedule gets messed up now my mind cannot even handle it. Sounds weird? So, all of this structure and schedule (in my head) cannot get messed up or I turn into somebody crazy. But, if I was not crazy sometimes... then I would be normal and who wants to be normal? LOL!!

When we had a successful discharge at West Central we went out the main doors.. (when you go out the side door that's an unsuccessful) and ceremony to honor those who have successfully completed the program. We got to go shopping and wear the clothes we bought (real clothes not those white tube socks, white shirt, and jeans-real clothes) the choir sang a song, we got a certificate, and little charms. I was so nervous for my transition home (that is what they called it) because I had never in my whole life successfully completed anything. Unless you count successfully overdosing, successfully getting a felony, successfully screwing over many friends, and family along the way... but I mean a positive accomplishment I had never accomplished. This was my very first certificate..then I got down on myself because my only certificate was a Prison certificate. Then I thought... but I did this all by MYSELF with the help of many many people but me I did this all alone nobody to hold my hand and carry me to the finish line. The treatment plans, the bench, announcing my name into every room, being Head of House, being a whole community, having my sisters, and so much more sure they helped... but I ultimately did this whole program (one of the hardest I might add) all by myself. It was a peaceful, proud moment... even if it was a prison certificate.

My best friend Natalie, who I might add came to every single visit, never missed a letter, and was always the best friend I could ever ever ask for. We have known each other since I was just 2 years old-disconnected, reconnected...but we both never missed a beat with each other. She wrote me letters, poems, quotes, sayings, and would try to add lingo into her letter (you know girlll) and I did not understand until I got out. She was my rock in that place. My dad he was too...the only time he EVER supported anything I did so I took it and cherished that 4 1/2 months he came there every Sunday. Now, we do not speak (more on that later).

My mom, Natalie, and father came to pick me up... all I wanted was a cigarette; I know I know almost 5 months of no smoking and the first thing I did was smoke a cigarette! I went to check in with my probation officer, of course all my stuff was already transferred to Ohio but something got mixed up and ended up waiting there for about 3 hours to be "accepted" back into the State of Florida. Who would of thought a felon would have to be accepted somewhere....oh well. So I am free... but deep inside I was dying to go back. Yearning for somebody to tell me that we had 5 minutes before lights out, and to stand pulled up rest at the locker....? Nobody was there that first night... (my mother and I stayed in a hotel and flew out the next day to Florida). The hotel bed was comfortable...but where was that green mattress that I grew accustom to? And, my one pillow... with my locker... and all my white underwear, shirts, shoes, socks? This is crazy... I could go outside freely and smoke a cigarette in the brisk cold air with snow on the ground. This is so crazy to me...

When someone says "I will never go back to that place"because I cannot even tell you how many times I have said that..but when I was home in Florida what can I do to go back to that place where all that structure was? Why? Because I was so use to one thing, the same thing for almost 5 months... but I knew if I messed up it would be prison and not West Central. I do not know what makes a person think that and never thought I would... but I did but clearly scratched that straight out of my brain!!

On my way home I wrote one last journal entry in my good ol' journal that was with me every step of the way from August 18, 2008 to December 29, 2008.

12/30/2008
Well, I got out yesterday my first taste of freedom and it felt so good. I smoked a cigarette and that was even better. What a battle that was..the craziest, most amazing, inspiring program ever. I am so glad to be out; I have about two hours and I'm with Gary & Sean. I am so excited. Yesterday and today were the best days of my life! I am so pumped!! Wait, should I say that again? I am so pumppped!!! No more pat-downs, strip searches, little petty girls breathing down my neck... I am FREE!! Although, I have thought about the place, and girls since I left it will be hard I hate saying good-bye to all the amazing people I left especially Ms. Thornton. I feel like I look at the clock too see what they are doing.. I am so close to seeing Sean I can hardly breathe! I went to dinner with Natalie, Tom, Marta, Jessica and mom that was fun!! It feels so weird to be out... uncomfortable feeling, and having anxiety feeling like I should not be on this airplane right now. I'll write more later and tell you my experience being home... it feels so weird being out of standards:)

I remember walking in my house... Sean and Gary were watching out our bedroom window and Sean was on the bed and I just walked in my house and squeezed the shit out of both of them!! I was the happiest girl ever... I was finally home:)

And, to stay home forever....

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Another Journal Entry from West Central

Today I will add 2 Journal entries... Remember those jobs I was telling you about? I eventually became Head Of House where I had to report to staff, and ultimately face the consequences of the other girls also. It taught me leadership, and basically showed me that I could do it. They would put us in a job where we felt most awkward so help us grow in that area. I eventually made really great friends that I still keep in contact with... except those that have fallen off the wagon. Some of the girls you knew were just not going to walk away with anything, and some you knew the pure determination to get where they know they needed to be. Many of these girls in here had a very rough life, worse than mine... but we were all connected because we are all addicts. 


In the previous blog I was going off about some girl named Ms. Ward... The story to this is that  we were allowed to leave on furloughs and could have an outside person pick us up. She was going on a dental furlough supposedly.. little did she know before you leave on a furlough they listen to your phone calls. It was found out that she was really meeting up with her boyfriend that was also a co-defendant (big no no). Her one act cost the whole girls side to loose all of our privileges. That means... no visits, no phone calls, and no vending machines (except for hygiene). The only thing any of us ever looked forward to was our phone calls at night, our mail, our visits, and of course our nightly snack. 


The whole program was ran with structure, and with the help of an amazing staff. Our schedule was as follows:
5:30 A.M. - Wake up
5:45AM-6:15am Clean
At 6:15 we would line up for breakfast
At about 6:45am we would come back for showers
At 7:30AM our morning meeting
8AM- Classes (Not all were in classes orientees were in a few but mostly people in Phase 2 had classes which were anger management, criminal thinking, HIV/AIDS class, and so on)
11:45AM- line up for lunch
12:30 back for recreation (we could outside weather and behavior permitted, or hang out inside.. on the weekend we were allowed to nap)
1:45 some went to more classes, the rest just hung out...
4:45 line up for dinner
5:30 another recreation
6pm the orientee's meet with their big sister to learn rules, philosophy, etc.
8pm Evening meeting
9pm vending
10pm lights out 


We were not allowed to be "comfy" we had our shoes on ALL day long... most were bored all day. All of this was teaching us to not ever get comfortable, and when bored you'll know how to manage your time. When people in Phase 2 were done with their 8 week classes the next 8 weeks you kind of just sit there and make yourself useful. Also, everything that we needed, or wanted had to go up with a request form and their was a process for everything. They would take forever to get it back to us but that is what TTP (Trusting the process) was for. We had to TRUST they received our request and would give it back to us. They always did... the trusting thing was hard for so many woman because on the outs we do not trust, so it taught us to trust. 


10-19-2008
I'm on silence again today. It's really not as bad as the first time. My dad, Grandma, and Natalie came to visit. I miss them so much. Tonight I am calling my mom-I miss them a lot too. I got to work on my treatment plan, it is having to do with my father... this should be fun. I have to write a book about him. Poor Ms. Nixon is suppose to go home tomorrow, she is leaving West Central but going to jail. I can't believe it-ugh that would be so horrible. I feel so bad for her. Anyways, nothing really new. Awaiting to hear what my conduct report says. Gary and Sean are coming up November 2 too see me. I am so excited my mom is coming with them. I'm going to work on some treatment work-get on computer then do my treatment plan. Try to write tonight! 


*To tell you what a conduct report was... while being incarcerated nothing is ever a secret what you have. We can have a random locker search at any time... so they found an extra thing of lotion or something that I was not suppose to have. It was a cardinal rule to not have anything extra, therefore I got charged with having cardinal contraband and was awaiting my trail...in their it kind of feels like you NEVER know what is going to happen. They look at this as out on the streets we could have a pill in our pocket and not know, breaking the cardinal rule of sobriety. And, Silence meant I could not talk basically for 12 hours and observe myself.


10-24-2008
Another day down.. another dolla short :) I say that because we do not make money up in this piece! I am sooo happy. October is almost over; Gary, Sean, and mom will be here so very soon. I can't wait! Lights are on-be back:)I opened up last night about my issues with my dad and my ex-boyfriend and the abusive person he was. I feel lighter, and so much better. I never knew how much it affected me about my ex) my father has affected me since I was just little so I know what that feels like. People know what he (ex) did too me but I do not think I ever went into detail about MY feelings. It just felt very good. I am the type of person where I try to act stronger than what I really am. It worked for many years about dealing with others problems rather than my own.. that for once while in this place I HAVE to focus on myself and it really does feel amazing. Ms. Gresh opened up about some problems. Before I could not get it out of my head how somebody could just throw you across the bathroom floor and try flushing your glasses in the toilet... now I feel a little lighter:) Anyways, we encountered Ms. Mustard yesterday so glad hope it worked. She needs to just get real with us, today are encounters also. My hands are so dry! Okay, time to go! Peace out! Gary & Sean=My everything! One day at a time...


Encounters= when all the girls sit in a circle and one girl sits in the "hot seat" and we tell her exactly how we feel... put them to their lowest, and then at the end do a little pick me up about their positives. It was so crazy kick their face in the dirt, and don't let them up... and then after 45 minutes of that... we get to really tell you how much we love you! It did work.. but seems awkward right?


The whole program was awkward and if not experienced you would not even understand this crazy lingo I am talking about. If you Google Therapeutic Community it will go into some detail.. here is a link I found http://www.psychotherapy.net/video/george-deleon-therapeutic-community


Okay, time to go for now... until next time!!! Remember, it is not about how strong we really are, and who can handle the most.. it is about in every trial thrown our way to discover, grow, learn, laugh and to love:)

Monday, October 24, 2011

Where is my Mother?

You know that book by Dr. Seuss "Where's my Mother?" that is all I kept thinking about the whole time incarcerated. I had never had a baby before so I did not know the milestones, or even get to experience a first moment from 6 weeks to 6 months. So, I am in this room that we call Family Room 4 with 2 dorm rooms Gratitude and Strength.. a little library room we called Vision, a Laundry room, and a bathroom; and the only thing that would come to my mind is my baby boy at home wondering "Where is my mother?". He had his daddy, and his grandmothers (my mother, and Gary's mother) but where was that ladies voice I heard while I was in that really warm place? I am so thankful he was not old enough to remember, but when the time is right I will one day open up to hopefully stop the vicious cycle that just keeps repeating history.

So, I got all checked in... got my badge... had my red scrubs... a net laundry sack... but no green suitcase, and no pads! I walked into Family Room 4 and they directed me to a bench with my sack, that bench would eventually come into handy many times. There was a big white dry erase board in front of me with all these names Head of House, Floor Expediter, Assistant F.E., Garden... come to find out these were all jobs that I would eventually partake in. I thought it would be only a good 3 weeks and I would be home.. I mean it did say in my papers from sentencing "Staff at West Central decides when going home" hell I did not know I would be there for 4 1/2 months. So, I am sitting on this bench... and this guy walks in, who I had already crossed paths with in intake and he was hassling me about very open questions that I did not even want to answer. So, this guy comes into Family Room 4 and I was told to sit in this plastic chair and tell these girls who I was.

There was 18 of us... and I told them who I was and kept catching hell from this one guy who would eventually apologize for making me cry. LOL. My big sister than took me to my Gratitude dorm who I would have intake sisters Ahlea, and Alison; however, we go by last names so it was Ms. Thornton, and Ms. Mullins everybody was called by their last name and you had to add Ms. in front of that. We had to announce ourselves every time we walked in to a different room... so for example when entering the bathroom I would say "Ms. Davis in the restroom" this was to make us aware of all times of our surroundings because on the outs we could walk into any house and not be aware that we were about to walk into a drug dealers house. I still do this at times not really out loud but in my head. We had tons of rules, and those little unwritten rules too. If we got in trouble we had got our name on the Pull-up board and had to do an L.E. (learning experience). Pull-up=doing bad and a push up=doing good. Each person had a job once you were out of Phase 1 and that included the big white board with those names on it when sitting on the bench. I was to learn the philosophy, the rules, and so much more to get my first visit, and to be able to make 1 phone call a week.

I stayed in Phase 1 for an extra week because of my behavior. My sidekick would eventually be my intake sister although we fought like sisters we understood each other deep down. When we wanted to cry, cuss, and vent we would go in the bathroom in the first stall because the R.M.'s could not see us from their box. They would always be in that box looking in the mirrors to the bathroom to see which one was taking the longest and say "this is not a fashion show". LOL... all of our hair had to be in standards could not be down, touching our ears... we had to wear Jeans, white shirts underneath, tube socks, white shoes, and if we had a job we wore a gray shirt, and if we did not it was a blue shirt (This was phase 2)...for phase 3 you got a green shirt and you were finally going home.

They did not like to call it a prison and the "guards" were not C.O.'s they were Resident Monitors or R.M.'s who would help all of us through our recovery process. There were men on the other side that we had a 3 second rule, you got to look for 3 seconds and that was it. We had class the boys but still no talking... people would and eventually one girl would get sent back to prison for passing her number. Those pull-ups I was talking about... I would always get in trouble for disrespecting somebody so on the board it would say My name: Ms. Davis Pull-up: Bad-tact; disrespect L.E.: Write a letter, or story, sing a song in the cafeteria those would be our consequences.. it would eventually take me many many pull-ups, and learning experience to get that I cannot talk to people the way I am. When we said a bad word we would have to go around all day (starting after morning meeting until the nightly meeting) "My name is Ms. Davis and I will not cuss like a sailor" and we would wear a sailor hat. Sounds so cheesy, and all sounds so crazy.. but this was my life for 4 1/2 months and eventually it all started making sense. It works... and you will walk in this place and say "I will not learn ANYTHING" to eventually walk out of there and learn so much more than you could ever imagine. It is the BEST free treatment anybody could receive... although the price to go there is to be a felon.

Here is a journal article.. I was going thru the first couple of days and it was pretty much everything that was in here explaining the program.. so I'll go to September 16, 2008 where I will be in this place almost a month.. and it was my FIRST visit with Sean and Gary

9-16-08
Crazy couple days... yesterday and the rest of the week we are going to be sitting in a horseshoe. Sunday my hubby and baby came-oh my gosh:) It was so exciting-my baby is so big and beautiful. My hubby ugh-so gorgeous. 1 month of not seeing him made me fall that much more in love with him. Well, starting something-try to write later.

I'm going to try and write every break so we'll see how that goes. I have a feeling something is about to go down. Ms. Ward was suppose to go on a furlough and Ms. Silverthorn (nurse) asked me, Dickason, and Mustard if we knew something. I have NO idea! Well, breaks over.. be back later!

Oh my gosh I am so f***ing sick, mad, angry, hurt, worse anxiety, and sad. Ms. Ward straight up manipulated, lied all because she wanted too see her husband that she cries over every time a phone call is made. My baby is 2 months old and I want him to know who his mommy is... I'm shaking I'm so mad right now how could she... it cost almost $200-$300 all around for a plane ticket-then if he needs to rent a car, gas, hotel, all for a 1/2 hour visit!! What if something happened I can't even call to make sure my husband and son are okay. So quiet, and innocent.. YEAH RIGHT!! She had everybody fooled. People in red or just out of red haven't even got to see their kids! I'm done with that, ain't even worth my time.
Breaks over!

I'm having anxiety glad he let us write. I'm so pissed too because we can't go to classes but I guess this is better because staff is helping us come together and stuff. My husband is going to be so upset... :( Ms. Wurtsbaugh got kicked out-that's exactly where Ms. Ward needs to go honestly... she could careless! She sadi she took the charges for him.. from what she told me is they were her moms or mother-in-laws pulls she went and picked them up...all seems strange to me admit your an addict Ms. Ward!!!!!

Anyways, nothing new my dad was suppose to come down but it won't happen now. Sad thing is... some people do want treatment and are waiting in jail and prison to get here and people like Ms. Ward are takin up a bed!! Gotta pee... later..nevermind breaks over!!

You know sitting here thinking-I was in recovery, clean for 2 1/2 years and I come in here and I'm getting straight up sicker!!! That's not what this is about-I was doing the right thing, going to meetings (occasionally), taking care of my family, and here I am sitting here with 16 females and 1/2 them are still sick and crazy!! The same people that pull us up for petty shit are doing way way bigger things. You know what else is funny she said she didn't know it would affect everybody (Ms. Ward) since DAY #1 I got told "community as a method" that means as a WHOLE. You do wrong, we all get punished... shut that shit up Ms. Ward you KNEW everybody would be affected.

Enough about her, and her hijacking our visits, and phone calls... wonder what my babies are doing. He's so cute! I am glad I got too see him keep the memories going of him. LUNCH TIME!! Out of the horseshoe for at least 45 minutes.

Just got done with G.I. tites-crazzzy! Whew... if it gets everybody in check I guess it's worth it though. We have been on silence since we encountered Ms. Ward. So this is the only way I can speak... I am a talker=I want to SCREEAAMM!! hahaha...Back in the horseshoe be back later!!

Just talked to Ms. Thornton we haven't had time anymore since we got out of red. It really sucks! We are sitting back in this horseshoe again. Such a mentally, physcially, emotionally draining day... I don't like that. We are all in a good mood now... but still the craziness will be back. Write later if I have time!!

So, all these seems crazy right? Well it was... this is what I like to call it an emotional boot camp. We had to stand marine style way hands behind our back, no talking in line... we did not march, and yell chants down the hallways.. we did that at our morning meetings. G.I. Tites are where you have to clean one area for like 15 minutes or something. A horseshoe is where we would sit in a horseshoe and figure things out about the community...

More writing later!! Stay tuned...