About Me

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I am going to be the one that will change many lives, will make a difference, and will inspire others like my life was inspired by others♥ I want to change the way people cannot get help for drug/alcohol addiction the way we should be able to get help, I want to change the way addicts think, get into the mind of an addict, and HELP them Married, and a mommy to 1.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Friends

Each holiday passes Thanksgiving and Christmas and on these days and around these holidays... I always think of the girls in West Central. It is sad to know they will not be with their families... but thankful they are getting help and not out on the streets, or wrecking havoc on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love thanksgiving but also love love Christmas. It is my favorite... not because of the presents but because of the cooler weather, being with Family and remembering the true reason for the season.

I think of the addicts that are suffering, the ones in denial, out on the street... or even in a treatment facility that have not yet found the way. I think of the families that will never truly understand their children, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, dad, or mother. Lately, I have been going through some pretty major reality checks with my friends. The ones that want to be secretive, the ones that think "oh its just a D.U.I.", the ones that think they are so invincible and nothing can happen to you. I am still friends with people that use not a lot but some of my friends I still speak with. I remained friends with them because I was hoping to inspire them, and show them this is the best way to go. Has it worked? NO, they all think I am stupid (as I cannot tell when you have that raspy voice your high)... or the ones that call and pretend everything is fine and 2 days later you get a phone call "oh guess who I just saw buying dope" oh really I just talked to them 2 days ago and they said they were "perfect". Yep, it is that cloud... everybody wants to hang around. I think do you not see everybody around you has been to prison because of what they do (and you do too). I know many of them come to me for help because I will never ever forget where I came from... I will never forget my story of loosing everything to gain it back... to loose it again after giving birth. It is not that I lost it again after having my son because I was currently using... I went away because of my previous actions and not thinking before I did. Not thinking that a year and half after doing the drug deal I would be pregnant and married... who would have thought that. I thought I would feel stuck forever as a drug addict and I never saw past that. Sometimes my friends throw it in my face "well your just clean because you left this town" or "your just spoiled" crazy right? I mean it's whatever... doesn't bother me. They will see once they TRULY get sober how much I was really there for them, and really tried to help them. I get frustrated but I never feel betrayed by their comments because I have been where they still are and I will always remember where I was. If I forget... then I could fall off and I do not want that. I have tried to dwindle them away slowly and it has worked...

I am also the type of friend that will enable the situation. I know I know it's terrible I do that. If one friend calls me and says "yeah I just did a pill" I'll be like awesome rock on... and I think I did it because I know how hard it is to convince somebody they are an addict, and need help so I just let it roll. I have realized and will fix this. It is terrible I do that. I know how hard it is to fix an addict, and get that addict to admit... but when they come to me and say "I feel like I need help it is getting a little out of control" then I will fight till' the very end for that person. I got a phone call on 9-29-2011 from my Aunt telling me that my cousin just overdosed and she was being pumped, and had been given a shot of Narc-on (adrenaline) to come out of it... they had to use the paddles all the way to the ER and give her another shot of Narc-on before she came out of it. I did not enable my cousin at all... but I knew sometimes when she relapsed and would scold her and go on-sometimes I would tell my Aunt but nothing was ever done so I would leave it alone. She lives in Ohio, and I live in Florida so it was a little hard to physically be there. After getting that phone call... I will never ever again enable and say "rock on" to somebody that tells me that. From now on I am going to say "oh wow your too cool for school" haha... at least I have realized this about myself. I have been doing more self-discovery since writing this blog and find it helpful and therapeutic.

Happy Thanksgiving<3 And remember, to be thankful we are alive:)

11-27-2008 HAPPY THANKSGIVING
Haven't wrote for a while it's thanksgiving my baby boys first one! He is going to his Gma & Gpa's for Turkey day. We have been watching the Macy's day parade in here... we are all trying to have a really good day. Emotions are running high today not being with our families. It really does suck a lot. Most of these girls in here should be thankful they are even alive. Gosh, my hands are so dry. (Can we say major ADD... haha talking about thanksgiving to my hands are dry-really haha)

Ms. Mullins is pissing me off! 32 days and I can't wait!! Well, I am going to go. We are about to watch a movie. Don't know what yet...but it's going to be a good day. After Kennedy leaves I got 4 weeks left! Write later.. <3ya Abbs xoxo ONE DAY AT A TIME!

11-27-2008 9pm
  What a good day-as good as it can be with no family. We ate so much today. My throat and neck hurts, I hope I am not getting sick. A lot of people were on edge today but you can expect that. The staff did everything they could to take our minds off of this. Gosh almost 30 days and I am gone! Can't wait!! Got my green shirt officially in 3rd phase on 11-26-2008:) YAYYY! (3rd phase means I am going HOME)

Well, got to go!
Love ya,
Abbys
xoxo
One day at a time!! GARY ABBY SEAN = MY life!

****This was a Thanksgiving post while locked up****

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Lately

I admit since my last blog it has been nothing new. I have been having some huge reality checks coming my way this week like I needed anymore reality checks then the ones I get on a daily basis with my son. 

I have taken a break from school for the holidays. I just have 2 more years and will have my Bachelor's in Psychology. I am oh so excited too. I felt I wanted to really get into the Holiday spirit this year because the last 2 years I was a true buh-humbug. 

Here is our tree..
It's tiny but for a tiny family<3 S is the perfect age for this stuff so I am super excited and have been thinking about things to get him. Of course he tells me every toy commercial he sees he wants that!

I also did some crafts with him this year. Reindeer's, Christmas trees, the word JOY, and stockings made out of construction paper. He had a blast with that:) 

I have always loved the Holidays. I am really glad I have taken the opportunity to enjoy it this year instead of being piled in homework and books. 

I also made my first pumpkin pie today!! I have yet to try it... but think it looks and smells delicious!! 

Anyways, this is my update! Will post a longer one later tonight or tomorrow. I have some topics to use that I could get off my chest!

Until Next Time...

*Be Kind to one another* Report bullying! 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Claiming my Power in Recovery

When I was incarcerated we had to do tons of treatment plans, and read different things. The past two days I have been doing nothing but cleaning and going through things. It is always fun to go through old things we have not seen for many years. I read a pamphlet called Claiming my power in Recovery-the first step for woman. I am going to share what I learned from this. I remember reading this and how powerful it was when I did. Below you will find what I wrote:

This pamphlet was a very good read. It states in here that recovering woman encounter the issue of power early into treatment. You have to first think about what is power? Power is the ability to act, to create, to do, to produce, and to affect outcomes. Power also equated with strength, authority, or influence; it can be a source of energy. In this pamphlet it says that people that have been sexual or physically abused feel lots of anger because of the powerlessness they have gone through in the abusive relationships. Some woman entering recovering feel the first step is hardest to admit they are powerless and unmanageable because it makes them feel helpless or it's forcing them to give up the power they have already gained back. You can try rephrasing the first step by saying such things as "because of my chemical use my life is not healthy, happy, and rewarding as it should be". It also states that "my power is based on my ability to admit that my chemical use controls me and on my unwillingness to work toward creating health and joy in my life". Step one does not have to be hard, but it can be very challenging for many woman. By going to treatment helps us stop the process of our chemical use and breaks the power chemicals have on us. Empowering ourselves during recovery is a way to replace bad thoughts or feelings about ourselves with positive attitudes and feelings. You also have to be realistic and know relapse can happen, but if it does we need to be the first to admit and do what we need to do. Do not spend time with the guilt and shame because you relapsed that will just keep the using going. Contact a sponsor  go to a meeting, or return to a treatment facility. Exercise is another good part of recovery; it is not only healthy but can make a woman feel good about themselves. Recovering woman are strong powerful role models for all genders. It helps us ask boldly for what we need, and express ourselves freely. When we become involved in the recovery process we become empowered. There is so much in this world other than alcohol and drugs that if we just stopped we would learn how to live free and sober as woman.

Interesting right? Back in the day men were the powerful ones, and then soon woman became that also. Woman feel the sense to empowered because everything that we really do on a daily basis. But, when the power is taken from us (abusive relationships, work, etc) we feel defeated and who likes to feel that? I remember writing this and remember thinking how powerful that really was.

Here is a poem I wrote back when I was newly sober. This is who I lost my power too

Goodbye
You were the one that made me smile, cry and laugh
when we first met, it was crazy like a dream
I found him, the man of my dreams

Then it all changed,
you introduced me to drugs
it all went from there...
At first it was great, you would get me high,
you would share...
then sharing became a fight...

Our love went down
and I kept thinkin why
The man of my dreams
is slowly drifting away
Every night out looking, mean if you didnt score

My love for you turned to hate, total disgust
I hated when you would come home
Fearing the unknown
There were always questions in my head

I never really stopped loving you
Just stopped showing it
I stopped the romance
and started the fights

Finally I gave up, we werent going anywhere
If the drugs would not have interfered
our love was real...
I wasn't ready but it was right
I had to say goodbye on the fearful night...

I said goodbye
to our love,
to our memories,
to the man of my dreams (I thought)

I think when I wrote that and where I am now. I truly found the man of my dreams married for 4 years and together for 5.. he is amazing, my best friend... he supports and understands.

Thank you for letting me share

Until next time...

Monday, November 7, 2011

My best friends

I had the privilege of being in 2 weddings this year. October 1st my best friend of 10 years got married. She has been the older sister role model in my life...the one that taught me the bad, good, and in between. We all have those friends, most of the time though they drift away. We are so much alike we can sometimes get on each others nerves. We both are very high strung people so we do not really level each other out but that is what makes us so unique in our friendship. I know the minute something fails, or goes wrong I can always count on her to be there. I probably have not been the best of friend to her... we all have those moments when we get really caught up in our own lives that we forget about the people around us that truly love us and care for us. I was so honored to be a part of her special day. 
This is me at her wedding 10/1/2011. They had been together for 11 years so 10+1=11 and the year 2011. Unique right? I thought it was amazing. Her and her husband are a true example of you can always make it through the rough and come out strong. They are amazing people, and have the best little boy ever. I am so honored to know her, and her family. She has been through so much in her life, with little support (financially) she put herself thru college, payed for her whole wedding, and has worked her butt off to provide for what is hers. I will always look up to this girl... she has saved me so many times. I love you<3


The next wedding was the weekend after this. 10/8/2011 my best friend of 23 years! Yes, I said 23 years amazing incredible and awesome right? 
A stunning dress for a stunning person:) When I was incarcerated if it had not been for her coming to visit me each and every Sunday to laugh with I may not have made it through but luckily she did and I made it thru. She drove a 1/2 hour once a week too give me hope, encouragement, laughs, jokes, and the latest in her life. In 1996 when I moved there was no internet, Skype, Facebook, Myspace, blogs or anything...it was a regular piece of paper and a ball point pen with those cute little stationary envelopes and a stamp. Long distance phone calls were expensive then and did not have those 5 cents a minute so we wrote letters, and wrote letters... if I would not have moved so much I would probably have them. They are somewhere I am sure of that. It is amazing to look at the pictures over the years of all of us (her sister & my brother) and see we are still friends. We both have babies and are married. Who would have thought? We have been thru similar situations in life. She is defiantly the sister I truly never had from the age of 2 to the age I am now (25). We lost touch during our rough times but always found our way back to each other. She is amazing, loving, kind, passionate, an awesome teacher, and one hell of a mom!! 

From left to right Me as Snow white...my brother as SuperMan... J in purple coat and N in blue coat. This was so long ago and each year or every other year we get the same recreation of this photo. 

2008-right after I gave birth they came down to visit us and see my handsome little boy. They are incredible people.

2011 at her Rehearsal dinner. Is this not amazing! Every time I think about I think about how lucky I truly am to be able to have known them for as long as we have. Me in the red shirt... my brother in the gray shirt... and then the pink and black dress and white shirt they are sisters. We are all brothers and sisters we do not see it as a friendship but as a family.

I also got to meet her daughter for the very first time since she gave birth. Financially I just could not afford to go up there twice in one year so I held out and got to see her for the first time right after she turned 1. I was amazed how we are mothers, and our children are so special to us. They may not get to play every day together but they will know who they are and will enjoy each other when they see each other.

I love Ms. H she is the best little girl. I got to watch her for a whole day and I will tell you this little girl is a blessing. No whines, no fusses, no messes:) My best friend is truly blessed with her as her daughter.
One more because I am so in love with this little girl:)

This is my little boy and my best friend. 2008 we have been there for each other for the good and the bad not many can say that about their friends. 

Our kids playing:) My son was tickling her it was the cutest.

I am so grateful to know these 2 beautiful amazing woman and was so honored to be part of their special day. I want these two girls to know exactly how I feel even if I may not show it all the time. 

The best part is we all get along and have so much fun together!! I love you both more than words could express.


It is so important to have your friends and these 2 girls have been my backbone, and never betrayed me.

Friday, November 4, 2011

My Fears

I have so many fears and wonder often where they come from. I know one of my biggest fears since my drug conviction is driving in my car... getting pulled over... having my son in the car and they see I have a felony with a drug charge and search my car. This will be fine to search... I just do not want to have my son with me and wonder what is going on. Or, what if there is a computer glitch and it says I have a warrant and I am again taken from my family. I fear a corrupt cop, which we all know there are some. Just recently in my city 2 detectives were arrested for extortion, kidnapping, and about 20 other charges. How do I teach my son they are good people when all I see on the news is how corrupt they can be too. 
Another fear is my son getting hurt, my husband leaving me, my low self-esteem that it will return and shatter me into pieces. Fears of somebody coming in my house while I am home. Taking a shower alone when nobody is here. A fire from cooking. Failing. Not succeeding. Loosing another friend/family member to drugs or alcohol. 
When looking at my fears written out I feel crazy in my head... where did they come from? Why are they there? I know I watch way to much news and am caught up on the latest horrific crimes that happen. Watching Investigative Discovery is my Saturday thing... but why? Then I grow more fears. I fear my son walking out the door one day and somebody grabbing him. He is so friendly... would he know the difference between a stranger and knowing the person; he is constantly saying hello to strangers. It is his innocence and he gets that from me (being outgoing and having an awesome personality; I say hello to everybody and smile). I am not going to tell him not to say hello to people but does he know the difference? Heaven's no he doesn't know the difference he is 3 years old and full of pure innocence. If he is jumping around I fear he will fall and break his tiny ankle...
I remember my niece cracking up at me on our yearly girls trip because I have so much anxiety and fear consuming my body. It's not funny but I laughed it out with her just because. It is crazy that I fear the littlest things not even I can control. I do know the Lord can control my fears and by giving them to him He will be the one to set me free. I have to keep thinking "things happen, life happens". My son at 1 years old had a seizure his fever was 105.6!! I was using an under the arm thermometer and it was giving me readings of 99.1. I remember calling my mom and telling her he felt hotter than what the thermometer was giving me. I am a first time mom I did not know rectal and ear thermometers were the best to use. Mom tells me to put him in the bath and it will cool him down... 5 minutes later he was seizing and like that for a good 10 minutes. I called 911 hung up and just got in the car, my husband holding my son (still seizing) windows down rushing him to the hospital. Now when he gets sick I stay up all night, he has a fever I take him straight to the doctor. It helps me sleep better (kind of). 

 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. (Isaiah 41:10, NLT)
This is so true we should not fear because ultimately God is wish us and He does give us the strength and He does help, guide, lift us up. Each day I have to give a fear to the Lord for him to take. I know I cannot stop what is going to happen... that is the thing I do know I cannot stop it but then it is hard to stop having that fear.
Today I am giving the fear of failing to the Lord. He will always guide me in the right direction. I feel He has guided me to read the different posts I have read today on fear. I do not feel so alone we all have fears. I do not feel so crazy anymore, as long as each day I continue to give a little bit more to God. 

Some Quotes
"Troubles are a lot like people - they grow bigger if you nurse them.  ~Author Unknown"

"I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and abundance.  Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep getting a busy signal - and soon they'll forget my number.  ~Edith Armstrong" 

Leaving behind my fear so I do not live a life in my own prison.

Until Next time<3


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Giving up & Enabling the Addict

How do we give up on the one we love the most? Either we gave birth to this person, a parent, a best friend since childhood, aunt, uncle, grandparent, sister, brother...how could we possibly give up on somebody? We know this person can be a better person, and has so much potential so we feel we need to stay in that persons life; not only do we feel we have to stay in that persons life because the question always lingers "what if they die". We could possibly not ever live with ourselves because we gave up on them, we were only showing them tough love. I know it is seriously the hardest thing to think about but eventually the addict is out of control and needing somebody to give up on them. Are we really giving up though? I do not see it as giving up, I see this as showing the other person that living the life they choose will not get them anywhere, and maybe you should start to listen to us. 


I am not only an addict.... but I am also the enabler that had to give up. I am also an addict that was showed the tough love in order to recognize that I was not going to amount to anything unless I stopped using drugs. I am a mother...he is three years old and I hope to never have to go through the decisions my mother went thru when trying to figure out what to do. She was strong in her decision making about "giving up on me" and eventually I realized. In one own's opinion I feel that after the second chance of trying to help the addict we should really just give up because the addict has to want the help. If the addict does not want the help, they will not succeed. 


My father was a drinker my whole life. When I lived with him it was a small town and everybody knew everybody. When my father would get drunk he would hand me money over $200-$250 at a time and tell me to go get him a 24 pack of Natural Ice and I could keep the change. I did it every time he asked... why? Because I was the drug addict always seeking my new high. I never really looked at myself as an enabler but in fact I was, and little did my father know but he was enabling my habit as well. I was coming home at 5AM all coked out but he would have never known that since he was drunk from the 24 pack. Sometimes he would notice and think something awful happened... well dad those bags under my eyes are not black eyes it's from snorting coke for 3 days! Hello where have you been? That's right drunk on the couch... he would have never know if I had a party at my house! 

We first should always set boundaries and limits with the addict. We do not give them money if it that important take them to the store and get them the food they need. If they need clothes direct them to the "free" store in your area, they need drugs show them the nearest rehab. Do not go out and give them money, buy them a car, give them a house, take them to the dope man's house, basically cut them off. 

These are my parents... If it were not for my mother totally giving up and my step-father encouraging her I probably would not be where I am right now. I am very thankful for that, thankful that she actually did it because I am 5 years clean. She would answer my phone calls but if I was not asking for help they were very short lived conversations. I honestly do not even remember how often I called or anything.. and, when I called her in May 2006 for help I had to make all the phone calls. She did not help me... because honestly it took me 2 weeks or something to make the actual phone calls.

That was the only way I was going to be successful if I made the phone calls, asked to go to a meeting, talking about my problems. I have enabled my father and eventually had to give up on that because it was not going anywhere. He would go to rehab... come out of it... go to meetings... sponsor... then cur-plunk he hit the bottle again. I just recently stopped speaking to him again... it's been about 2 maybe 3 months. Nothing is different... He had been drunk from Memorial Day to August or something of this year... he started some crap I honestly do not even know how it happened but it just felt like that same stuff only I was not there in person. I am done... told him he could only contact me via e-mail. 

Enabling is only a vicious cycle just like someone suffering from addiction. It starts slow but gradually the process is like a spider web. The addict and the enabler keep getting tangled in the addicts behavior. The only problem is the more the enabler enables the worse the addict can get.

We have to release the addict. Hope & Pray they become the butterfly.

Until next time...