About Me

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I am going to be the one that will change many lives, will make a difference, and will inspire others like my life was inspired by others♥ I want to change the way people cannot get help for drug/alcohol addiction the way we should be able to get help, I want to change the way addicts think, get into the mind of an addict, and HELP them Married, and a mommy to 1.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

I have MOVED

I have moved to a new web address. I have decided to have my own domain through WordPress. 
This blog will slowly be incorporated into my other blog. 
In my new site I have a tab in the upper left corner for Resources. If you have your own website, or blog... if you are non-profit organization, or treatment facility and would like to be added into the website under resources please send me an e-mail at 
mylife.mystory.2011@gmail.com with a brief description (1-3 sentences) on what your site/blog is about with a link to your address. 

Also in the upper left corner there is an About Me & my mission where you can read.
Today I will be adding a new tab for My Story and I will be adding the blogs from this web address to my NEW address.

Please visit me at 

You can follow by e-mail as well.

Please come over and help me be the voice of Addiction.
Join me in my journey!!!

Love you guys,

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Somethings will never change....

It's very true I did make it without you. And actually once I cut all lines of communication everything in my life was okay. It's sad but it's like I do not feel like I have something missing from me. Before when I was living with you and you would get drunk and mom would drive from Florida to Ohio to pick me up and cut all lines of communication with us.. I was always so devastated that I could not talk to you. I really did feel like a piece of me was missing. Now, as sad as this seems I do not even feel that. In all honesty, when I break it all down you really just were a sperm donor to me. It's sad to say that because when your not drunk your an amazing father. You have the best personality.. always making somebody laugh. Your always smiling. When we were younger you always did so much fun stuff with us. Coached J's baseball teams & football teams. Letting me help plant flowers... Remember that time I ate the fertilizer? You were so mad at me I thought it was hysterical. It's sad now that I did make my own life.. I found a husband that is nothing like you. Now, your drunk again.. with a wife... and a baby on the way. My heart is breaking so bad for the baby. Your wife.. eh well I feel bad for her because she is just so stupid. It makes me so angry when I think that she wanted a baby so bad that she decided to have one with a drunk. Oh brother.. now her child is going to have the same life J and I did. I just pray that somewhere in her brain she is thinking about leaving you. She will at least save anything the child has. 

The reason I choose Grace for the middle name of the baby was because I felt she was going to need a ton of Grace being born. The meaning of Grace is: Mercy, Kindness, Grace of God, God's Favor, and Thanks. I hope her kindness is to walk away when she can.. I hope that God's favor for her is for her to have a much better life than I did. I hope she does not have any mercy on you like I did. When I picked the name I just thought it would suite her so well. Oh it is breaking my heart already. Here you are... wasted, your wife is 7 1/2 months pregnant and going to deliver. Hell, she could deliver any minute and your wasted. 
I truly hope she is protected. Protected from the wrath J and I had to endure. Protected from an alcoholic that will not always be there 110%. I just know she is going to be lovely and amazing in every way. It's just sad she has to be born... 

So, your boss shows up at your mother's house. They gave you a car I knew from the get go that was the stupidiest thing they could have ever done... but they don't know you or what your capable of. They just thought you were a good nurse (which you are) and they were giving you a job. This lady was sure in for a rude awakening when she came to your mom's house. It's like your 12 and you and your friend did something stupid so their mom is coming to tell your mom. She finds out.. your married, you have a child on the way, your a drunk, you have 2 other kids in S. Florida... your divorced... haha! I love how you put out this perception of yourself that is just so fake. So fake that your boss was like "whoa dude who is this guy". You never truly know who somebody really is... She never knew you were married, had a child on the way, 2 other kids, married & divorced. Thankfully she got the car back in one piece... she said she talked to you. HAHA.. how embarrassing for you. Your going to come out of your binge and say "Ashley who stole my car? We need to call the cops somebody stole my car?" ahaha.. oh my gosh to be a fly on the wall. Oh the joys of putting up with a drunk.. the joys of trying to be somebody your not. 

Ha.. this is what Ashley thought she could do. Wait, first A did not even know you were a drunk. So you bring her to Florida on this totally romantic trip not divulging anything about yourself. Buy her wine, and you get beer and liquor. The next I get a phone call from her "What is wrong with your dad?" my response "What do you mean?" She explains he is laying in bed still drinking, actually wasted and won't get up and they were suppose to go to the beach that day. That was the only time I felt bad for her. My response "He is a drunk A"... her response "Are you serious?" Like yeah leave now... I'll take you to the airport get the heck out of dodge. It was like she was playing dodge ball and was trying not to get hit by the balls. Those balls slapped you right in the face.. and they continue to do so. I tried to tell her numerous times that nobody can save him. If I his daughter could not save him you will not either. You might as well leave now. That is what makes me wonder about what her ulterior motives are if they are there. Did my dad tell you he has money or something? Because he does not. Actually A, one time he cashed in my brother life insurance to get drunk. He has NOTHING and he never will if he doesn't get help. The problem is he does not want help. He doesn't even want the baby but you did so he gave it too you. I guarantee you that is why he moved to Marysville to save himself embarrassment of letting others know a 55 year old man just had a baby with a 23 year old young woman. Oh it just makes me want to puke. My aunt and I tried for years to save him... it was always "Operation: Save a Drunk that doesn't want help".. we tried he did not want it.. we left it alone. And, let me tell you girl he is NOT going to change for you or that baby. I just feel bad because your partially stupid. I am angry at you for wanting to bring a precious innocent child into this world with him. Do not worry though I started saying prayers when I first heard the news. 

And, it's like each time I hear a new story about what dumb thing you have done I am always all like
And, I don't know why. It just amazes me each time.

I will pray for my baby sister though each day. I will pray that A get's as far away as she can.
I hope my baby sister does not make the same mistakes I did in trying to save you. Trying to take care of you. Trying to protect you. 
I am just my mom left you when she did<3 I am so very thankful for that. I am thankful that I have the most amazing step-dad, father in law, and dad #2 (my best friends dad in Ohio) to show me how a real man should be. To show me how a father should be. To show me what kind of husband I want because my husband measures up to those 3 men. They always say girls tend to pick guys like their dads.. and men pick guys like their moms... well I got lucky and picked an amazing man. And, gained a father in law in the process. But, my step-dad & dad#2 showed me what kind of man to look for. I thank you for that.

Or, choose your actions wisely...

The pain you put me through has made me trust everything. Has made me WHO I AM today... but also my own pain I put myself through has made me who I am today. I would never want to give you any sort of praise.

Until Next Time...


Thursday, July 26, 2012

I am a people pleaser that worries

So, when I say "I am a people pleaser" in my head I thought it meant not being able to say no (which that is the case) but the other day I was reading an article about people pleasing and it said that people pleaser tend to be selfish, they think about everyone and themselves last (I do not think that is selfish), people pleaser have no confidence, saying yes can be a habit almost addictive like, we worry about what others will say when we say no... this was kind of eye-opening to me. I feel I am a pretty confident person. I do not feel I am selfish. Saying yes I guess is habit almost addictive to me.
The other day my aunt calls (she has 3 kids)
Aunt: Can you watch the kids for me tonight while I work and can they stay the night?
Me: Umm... well, ummm... yeah I can watch them.. I guess they can stay the night.
The problem with that is I have 1 child.. she has 3.. we have a small house (that we are currently getting rid of) with tiny living room space. We have a long couch and a small couch... barely room for anybody to sit in. Our little house makes the noise overbearing; which also makes my ADD & anxiety through the roof. I did it anyways... because I did not want to upset her. That is how I see people pleasing.. I want to please everybody around me so that I do not upset anybody. 
I never feel that I am not being true to myself because I never change who I am in the moment of saying yes. Maybe we all have different definitions for things even if a damn psychologist did write the article (HA). 
One said be careful you are not getting manipulated. Ahh.. manipulation as a drug addict I think we know when that is happening as we are the master of manipulation. I do not think I have anything to worry about somebody manipulating me. When we are up at my mother-in-laws she plans everything for us when we come up... when really we just want to hang out and relax and stay at the house. It's peaceful and quiet there... we love it. I have a hard time saying "No I do not want to go to the petting zoo"... but when I sit here and think about it will that really hurt her feelings.. or is it hurting me that I said no? I am also the type of person I will tell somebody exactly how I feel then end it with "I am sorry I did not mean it like that what I really meant it was..."
I hate knowing that I would ever upset anybody. That is the big thing in my people pleasing. After really reading all of these articles... maybe my people pleasing started when we found out my dad was no longer a functioning alcoholic and I wanted love and attention from a male figure. Maybe, it came from... hell who knows! 

As I sit here and write this I am thinking am I making excuses? I do not feel that I am an extreme people pleaser that I please others because I have low self-esteem (I have truly worked and conquered that when I was in the program).. I really feel that I please people because I hate to know that somebody could be upset with me saying no to them.. Like my aunt.. she would have had to scramble to find somebody else to watch the kids (she was already scrambling as it was) is that an excuse?
I do not know... but I do know that I just need to learn to say "NO I am sorry I do not want to go to the damn petting zoo I came to relax not be on the go" (I know I should not say it like that)... sometimes I just need to mentally prepare myself for things. I have noticed though since leaving the program (that is where my counselor told me I was a people pleaser I did not even know that word existed) that several times I have said no to people... and it did not bother me.

This is what I want to be in 1 year...
Why of course it is OKAY!! That means I worked on something that bothers me a ton.

And I want to do this too...
That is besides my husband and my child...

So to the next part of my blog... Worrying

Do I worry or do I obsesses over things?
Both. (ekk hate admitting that LOL)
We are getting ready to move. As I said earlier.. we have tight living quarters-my mother in law, father in law, hub's best friend (his kid) will be helping + me and plus 1 4 year old.
My mother in law wants to come down to help with my son (which I think is awesome) she will cook, give my son a bath, and I can be of services to unpacking boxes. I was not with my husband when he bought this house-I know this is my house but I never felt it was my house. I never decorated it. So this is going to be our house.. I have so many ideas for our new home I am ready to move right this second to do it that is how excited I am. I am just afraid that ADD & Anxiety will be running on overload that day and sometimes my mom in law can be opinionated and I have a hard time with that. I am worried that when I put something where I want she will put her 2 cents in that I do not need because I want it there. Okay, maybe this is my people pleaser that worries and obsesses. See, we all have problems ha.. nobody is perfect. So I sit down with my husband kindly telling him how I feel and what do I do almost mentally preparing myself for this moment. When my ADD & anxiety are in full gear I tend to be frustrated and can sound rude when I speak. I don't mean it.. my husband understands my mother in law I don't know if she fully truly understands me. He also understands his mom... so he tells me "Why are you worrying about something that has not even happened?"

Yes!! And just like that... it went away. I know I was mentally preparing myself for the moment because I am like that too... but, when he said that I sounded like this probably

but after he said that it was like this

I cannot worry about it. I cannot obsess over something that is not even there.
I have to focus on now.

Until Next Time...

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I am NOT better than anybody...

I have somebody that is very dear to my heart and I love with all my heart. I have helped her for 5 years by talking daily to her sometimes for 3 to 4 hours at a time trying to help her see the light. I would just sit and listen to her as she was venting... because I know that she just needed somebody to listen. She just wanted somebody to understand where she was coming from. I did understand a lot of what she was going through... I did understand that she just wanted somebody to listen. Sometimes I never said anything after she was done because I knew it felt good to her to just vent. Sometimes we just want somebody to listen... even if they do not understand anything we are saying. We just need an ear. 

We live many miles away from each other. Sometimes though I feel as if she lives right around the corner; or sometimes I felt that I was right there with her while she was struggling. I use to be so upset because I was not there... I was not there to just give her a hug when I know how bad she needed it. She was the type that would not truly open up to me about everything but give me bits and pieces of a story.. then she would tell somebody else a different piece to the story. I would talk to the other person and then get the full version of the story. Her mom (my aunt) and I stayed helping this girl. Helping her to realize that she needed some serious help. To make her see the things she was doing was not helping her. The people she was hanging out with were not helping her. She would always tell me that because I have been sober and away from the lifestyle that I had no idea what it was like anymore.. that I have been gone for far to long. She always told me that I acted like I was better than her. Better than her? I am the same as her... I am the same person she is an addict. We are addicts. We are not better than anybody we are all the same living in different worlds right now. I remember telling her that if I ever for one second forgot what the game was like then I would be right there with her using again. The people that relapse I feel like forgot what it was like to sit on their couch, or in a hospital bed withdrawing and it led them right back to where they are... using drugs.
You can read my blog here about this same subject about living in the game... The Game
(just click on the link). This girl I am talking about we grew up together, we are more like sisters rather than cousins. She is truly everything to me and if I lost her I would be so numb. 

September 29, 2011 it was 6:33pm. My husband was working out of town my son had the flu and I was not feeling the greatest either. My phone rang... it was my aunt. She was unsure of details but got a call that her kids were in the care of child services and she was int he hospital. She was on her way to figure out details but as she knew she was not going to make it. I told her to repeat this to me multiple times... I was outside going in circles around my car screaming "tell me this is not true K; just tell me your lying". So I wait for more information waiting by the phone. Coming inside I am just going in circles.. this cannot be true there is some type of confusion. (HERE GOES MY A.D.D.). Growing up my father was a Mortician; I lived in a Funeral Home. I was surrounded by death all the time. I have never had anybody close to me pass away; I have had friends but not like a family member. I am sensitive to death but I also at a very young age was around it then I just know in life that death happens and their is sometimes nothing we can do about it. But when I got this phone call my heart sunk and I finally could understand grief. I could finally understand what it meant, and felt like. It's a horrible feeling. A sickening feeling. So, I call my husband I am crying like no other.. he is trying so hard to understand me but he is listening and at that moment that was all I needed at the time. I finally at 9:30 received news that she needed 2 shots of Narcon but was going to make it. I thought I lost my other half that day. We are so different but in many ways so much alike... I still get brought back to that moment and the feelings when I received that phone call many times and sometimes on a daily basis. I never want to feel that again. 

When we would talk and I would ask her why she would never tell me the whole story but only tell me bits & pieces then I have to find out from others the whole story. I just never understood that. She would always tell me that I was so far away... that I was not physically there to give her a hug, or a shoulder to cry on. That would really hurt me because I so desperately wanted too. I wanted so bad to be there for her on so many occasions. My best friend and her lived together for sometime... they always felt like because I was clean and they were not that I acted better than them. I just know that if they tried as hard as I did they could be where I am. They could have what I have but they don't. They want to stay stuck in a small little town that is nothing and will never give them anything. I tried telling them both to move to a bigger city where there are more job opportunities but they won't. They want to stay stuck. It always made me so sad that they would ever feel this way about me... I would cry because it hurt my feelings so bad. Then I would think do they NOT remember when I was doing exactly what they are doing. Did they forget? Because I DO NOT FORGET! I NEVER WILL... 
Saturday I was talking to her and I was in the middle of telling her my frustrations-mind you, I never hardly vent to anybody because I know some people have much greater problems than I. And, some people need to vent theirs more than I do. I call that a very self-less act on my part. I listen to everybody's problems without telling mine... #1. nobody asks #2. I know they do not care #3. as stated before my problems are minimal to others. So I am venting and (she did it to me twice in one week) said in the middle of my story "Oh well I have to go I just got a text message and I need to read it and respond I am sorry for cutting you off" my response "Same ol' selfish you" 
She sent me a text this morning " I just love how you think your too good" Broke my heart ONCE AGAIN!!! 

I will never be better than anybody. I do not feel I have EVER put off that persona of myself.. I am just in a totally different spot in my life than you are. I get so bothered by this... I have done nothing but be there for this person. I have been on the phone sitting outside my house listening to her neglecting my own family to be there for her. I would NEVER give up on anybody... so I did anything I could to be there for her. I am just so sick that she feels this way it truly breaks my heart. Nothing I can do.... I just do not and I do not ever think I will understand selfish people. 

I just have to let it be. I know deep down I am not this type of person. I also know that if this was anybody else I could give a shit less... but it's her and I love this girl so much I would walk through fire for her. 

I just hope one days she sees this.

Until Next Time.....

Monday, July 23, 2012


I am usually one glued to the television when a sad tragedy takes place. I am the one that researches it until I am blue in the face. I would sit and tell people everything they needed to know about the event. I watch trials on television. I watched every single day of the Casey Anthony trial and good for my husband the day of the verdict the t.v. was still in tact. I watch In Session on TruTV. Growing up I watched Forensic Files (still do), 48 hours.. I am always watching something that likely causes me extreme anxiety. Growing up I remember sitting in the living room with my father watching Rescue 911 (one of the best memories I have with my father). Does anybody remember that show? Rescue 911... such an old show. When I woke up Friday morning it was late my son and I slept in. I usually am awake at 7 and by 8 all my "chores" are done. I remember it being 8:30 and I turned on my phone and it was going insane with text messages. Everybody that knows me knows I am news junkie. So I am doing the dishes and thinking "something happened" I was thinking to my family, to a friend... so I dry my hands and check my phone. Turn the news on your not going to believe what happened... My aunt "I just turned the news on what is happening to this world"... my son was eating breakfast and I was in the midst of other things. I went out to smoke called my mom and husband came back in and my son was playing his Leapster so I thought perfect I'll turn on the news to see what everybody is talking about. 

12 people dead and 50+ injured was scrolling across my TV. Movie theater massacre... I quickly thought what in the world is going on. Why are these things happening. Then I read my Facebook, sign on twitter... I read the comments my friends were writing "This wack job" or "what a worthless piece of shit this guy was" while he was obviously a little nuts every person has a story behind the battles they face. I started reading of the hero's that were in the movie theater saving people's lives. I read a blog today from The Shine Project and heard about Jessica the woman that was in Toronto attending a street party when a shooting occurred and then was in Aurora watching Dark Knight when the shooting happened. She was killed. It's so sad that this happened. I had to shut off the news that day... and I tried hard not to watch it again. 

For 3 years I lived in constant fear. Fear from the unknown. When I received my felony and had to leave my baby and husband to go to Ohio and I came home I was in constant fear. Fear I would be driving and a cop would pull me over and I would have my son and something terrible would happen. I fear the worst when my child is sick. I fear so many things in life that I literally never left my home. This year I have started to work on this. Fear was literally taking over my whole entire life. I was so angry and sad all the time because I was not getting out of my house and depression was kicking in from being inside all the time. I started to realize I could be sitting out front and somebody could drive by and shoot me... anything can happen at any given time but I have to embrace life and not live in this fear the way I am. That is why I turned off my television. If I kept listening and hearing about this event I would never go to a movie theater for at least 4 years... I did watch the Dateline NBC that Friday night but that has been about it. I know that in order to not be fearful I can not be so fixated on these horrible events that happen here on earth. If I continue to live in fear on a daily basis I would be a very lonely person that nobody would want to be around. I lost a couple good friends because I would not get in my car and go hang out with them. Fear overcame my life. It was a terrible feeling... sometimes I go back to that but I quickly get myself out of it. My husband has helped me a lot through the process... 

May they find some sort of peace through this process. I will also be praying for the Holmes family and James... that we can try to find out some answers. And remember as tragic as this event was everybody is suffering some kind of battle.

I want to empathize a little bit about what I said yesterday with the Suboxene. I understand that this treatment program works for people and I know there are some good doctors that understand what short term treatment means. I also understand that some doctor's do not understand what short term means, and I also know that addicts can take things to the extreme. If I knew that Suboxene got me high I would probably be taking 2 a day rather than 1 a day; because that is how addicts think. We are extreme people that like to manipulate. As I did say that I know Weight Watchers helped my girlfriend loose over 100 pounds while my other girlfriend did the HCG diet and lost 40 pounds because Weight Watchers did not work for her. I am not saying that if you take Suboxene you are not clean... I have never done them just from what I have witnessed from others and read about (I am a huge researcher on things) so I do know a lot about them. If I were against any opiate blocker it would be the Methadone Clinics... my one friend I have been helping said "I think I will just go to a Methadone clinic" my reply "Why would you do that? I use to get high off Methadone." I know they are given at the clinic and you only get so much of the Methadone. Some addicts that substitute addicts take another addiction that is a healthy one. My girlfriend has been sober for 8 years and she is an exercise freak.. it is her new addiction. While others could take diet pills to get that speed feeling. I am not against this treatment, I am not for the treatment.. I feel that if you have a good doctor that truly understands what short term program means then it could really work for you. The people that think being on Suboxene for 5 years is a good thing... I do not think it is. Everybody's recovery is different and I am the last person that would ever judge you if you told me you were on Suboxene. I just had been wondering about what other's thought of that. I did not mean to hurt feelings, or get an argument started; so I apologize if I did so-and if I hurt anybody's feelings with my opinions.  

I also want to thank those that have sent me their stories. I have only had 2 people send theirs to me but I have had people e-mail me and tell them that it was important to hear somebody else's story. Somebody also told me that one story made them want to open up about them being sexually abused. I want to share other people's stories on a regular basis maybe 1 or 2 a week. The problem is that I do not have enough people that are willing to submit their stories. I understand that some of you do not want to share some parts of your story because of the feelings it brings up. It does not have to be about anything but what YOU want it to be about. It can be how the sun is shining, what step was easier or harder for you... how you have done with your recovery... what has worked for you in your recovery. Things like that. If you are interested please e-mail me at 

I will add it to my blog as a guest post you may remain anonymous and not be revealed. Think about it and e-mail me if your interested. 

Until Next time....

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Saturday, July 21, 2012

Trike Mike's Story (Guest Post)

Trike Mike e-mailed me wanting to share his story. I am so glad he did. What an awesome guy he is. I have never met him but he reminds me of those bikers that are really hardcore but in reality that are huge teddy bears. I enjoyed sitting here reading his story, and e-mailing back and fourth with him. 

As most of us, I had lived decades in a blur of alcohol and drugs. After years of extreme abuse, I decided to grow up and be a "responsible adult" and stick to drinking. Coming from generations of alcoholics and addicts, I had sworn that I would not follow that pattern. Although I always continued to push myself to expand my knowledge, career, material items, etc.; in a manner that many of us are taught to be the "American dream", I reached my thirties in a blur with a large emptiness inside me that nothing material could fill.

Many of times over the years I tried to reach a better understand and relationship with a GOD of my understanding or of someone's understanding at the least. From church to church I went over the years, sometimes feeling great strength from it, but always returning to my addiction after Sunday service ended. After a few rough patches in my life including the death of my wife's sister from cancer, the death of my own sister from overdose just a few months later, and the incarceration of my brother due to addiction for a period of nearly 20 years; I eventually walked completely away from GOD  and began to rely strictly on my work and my whiskey.

Through the years I had many low spots, at one point I was homeless, but that wasn't enough for me to see what I was doing to myself. By Thirty-one, I was divorced from a rather abusive marriage and had full custody of my two beautiful girls, living in a new city, and drinking like a fish. After a few failed relationships I met a beautiful woman, that was prefect for me and my children and we all continued to succeed, but I continued to sink inside. With my career where I wanted it; actually more than I ever expected, my children doing great, and an incredible relationship, I still continued to sink.

The last six months of my drinking I so wanted to stop, but could not do it even for a day. At this point I was hiding bottles in the garage and having a couple extra drinks before anyone was home, so I didn't have to counts those that night. I'd wake in the morning telling myself, "you can't drink tonight", but by midday I was watching the clock for five pm.
My love of motorcycles has been my escape for years, and I had one long standing personal rule to never drink and ride. Towards the end I broke that rule and it scared me. August, 12th 2010, I was sitting in the garage surfing the net on my phone and found a site for a recovery based motorcycle club called New Attitudes. After pouring yet another Crown and Coke, I found a flyer on their site for an upcoming sober event and at the bottom it listed a name and a phone number in Saginaw, Michigan, "for further information call Dan." So after finishing my drink and pouring another I got the courage to call this stranger. Dan "Squeeze", talked to be for a couple of hours, mostly listening to me whine about my stated of hopelessness, but his strongest input was giving me the courage to contact someone locally. The next day I admitted my addiction to a female coworker that was married to a member of New Attitudes MC, within an hour Darren "Dagwood" called and invited me to lunch at the New Attitude Recovery House for lunch. I was greeted by five hardcore bikers, hardcore in the recovery and hardcore in their biking life, strange thought huh?! But here's a group of men that have chosen to do what they love to do, Bike and have fun, but do it while living a sober life and spreading a message of hope.

After a couple of hours of talking to these men, it was apparent we had many differences, but many  more similarities in our lives. Most of the time I was deeply engulfed in they stories that got them to where they were in life, but then they brought up the word I feared the most "Spiritual". I had to grip the counter to keep from running, but I was enticed at what they had to offer. That weekend, as all weekends, the Recovery House was open to the public, for a place to hang out, eat, play, and drink coffee and soda.

I was standing out by the fire listening to a New Attitudes MC member named Blackman, tell a story of his journey through the fifth step. He started speaking of a hard-nosed woman that spoke through a vocal box due to throat cancer. He had asked her, "what if I want a drink?", she replied, "drink a milkshake". He asked, what if I still want a drink?" She replied, "Drink another milk shake". He then asked, "what if I still want a drink?" She strongly replies, "Your not getting it! You Drink Milkshakes till your sick if need be!" The group listening to his story of course then chuckled and he says, "Good old Neva G". I almost fell to the ground, but I asked, "Neva G?" He said, "Yeah you heard of her?" I responded, "Yeah she's my grandmother." Neva had been dead for years, but here I am, 120 miles from where I grew up, trying to take a look at this sobriety stuff, and I get a slap in the face the first night.

I left quickly after, almost in tears and when I got home I called Blackman and told him, "you kinda freaked me out and I was trying to wrap my head around this." He said, "well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out, but maybe its Ol' Neva G, trying to tell you you are where you need to be, we both know she was good at that." At that point I new I had found my new home.

I still fought for months to find a connection to a high power, going to many churches and talking to many in the fellowship to gain insight, I felt lost, but I kept working with a sponsor, going to many meetings a week, and spending a lot of time on my knees asking for guidance and serenity. It was a scary road with many bumps, twists, and turns, but when I wanted to drink during the hard times I would play out the results of those drinks in my head and always come to the realization that I would still have to face the issue and would most likely have made it worse.

It took me months to get a solid hold on my recovery and life balance, but I never gave up the faith in the tables and those around me. It took me some time, but I realized my HP's plan. I remember early on saying in a meeting, "This sobriety thing is a bitch!" but after some severe hardships in my first few months, I realized I was sober now for a reason, to be the rock for those that have been there for me in my life. Each hardship got a little easier, because getting through them sober and being able to be there for others, deepened my faith and gave me strength and hope that I never thought possible. I know now my life has a purpose and that is to live My Life His Way. Be there to help others which in turn helps me.

Now I am coming up on two years clean and although they have been difficult years on life's terms, I cannot imagine living it any other way. I also know that from now till forever I must keep doing what I doing. Reach out to others, go to meetings, give power to my faith, and never stop trying to do the next right thing. I know this is the only way, because I have seen the alternative close to home. My father with nearly 23 years of sobriety get comfortable and quit working a program and now has 3 years clean. Even after decades, we all still suffer from the disease.

I have buried a sister and lost a brother to prison till 2024 to drugs and alcohol, yet I was spared. I have since completed my Bachelors' and I'm working on my Masters' and I'm living for today. My Higher Power tests me often, but if I am willing to trust and I am willing to communicate to those around me, I will continue to be helpful to others. I and many others travel the country holding events to support recovery and enjoy a biker's lifestyle. 
Remember if you reach just one individual, you have made a diiference.
Today I am blessed. Tomorrow is in His hands.
Thank you

I hope you have enjoyed Trike Mike's story as much as I did. My favorite part was the part about his Grandma and the milkshakes. <3 Congratulations on 2 years sober, and keep doing what your doing because it's WORKING!!

Until Next Time....

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Guest Post Angie's Story

For a while now I have been wanting others to share their story and e-mail it to me. I have been wanting to get enough to where once a week I would share a guest post so far I have only received one story. I understand that talking about your addiction and how you got there can be extremely difficult but it can also be very therapeutic for the addict in recovering. If you are wanting to do this you can e-mail me at mylife.mystory.2011@gmail.com no requirements on how long, and can be about anything you would like it to be about. You can also remain anonymous and your name will never be revealed. The reason I am wanting to do this is because I want others to know that I am not the only one that has survived addiction.

Hi! My name is Angie. I am a 33 year old single mother of three awesome kids. I have a daughter who is 16 (she recently got her license to drive, YIKES!) and two sons who are 11 and 7. My three children are the very reasons I get up each morning and what I am most proud of in my life. I recently went back to college after 10 years and have done really well! I am currently half way through my junior year studying Psychology and Sociology. I am very proud to say that I have worked really hard and have maintained a 4.0 GPA for the past year!!!

I live in a very small town in beautiful East Tennessee (where everyone knows your business even better than you do). The town that I was born and raised in is nestled in the Appalachian Mountains. The mountains that surround us are beautiful, as are the people that reside within, but we are a secluded group of people. This seclusion, unfortunately, brings with it high poverty and drug abuse rates.  The county I live in ranks first or second, year after year, nationally for Methamphetamine lab seizures and opiates are a huge problem, as well. It is maybe not an ideal location (then again, maybe it’s perfect) for a recovering drug addict, but I am living proof that it can be done. I very recently celebrated two years of sobriety. My sobriety date is 7-14-2010, the day my life forever changed. It has been an intense 2 years and there were times that I didn't think I could remain sober for two minutes let alone 2 full years (those days are all in a row too! J). But, I am grateful to be sitting here writing my story of recovery as an addict who has chosen not to use in two years. How have I accomplished this? One day at a time! Has it been easy? Nope. But, has it been worth it? ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!!!!!

 Going back to my early childhood, it was actually almost picture perfect. My parents owned a small mom and pop’s style restaurant (best cheeseburgers and hotdogs in the state of TN) and my two brothers and I were well cared for and wanted for nothing. Both of my parents were very involved in my life, and though we were far from rich, we lived comfortably. I played basketball and made excellent grades from elementary through middle school. Then, the trouble began. My parents abruptly divorced. It was messy. There were clothes set on fire and cars tampered with.  My Mom had just finished her degree in Computer Programming. She left my Dad (and us kids) and relocated to the city she had begun her new career in. I was beyond devastated. I was 13 or 14 and remember starting my period and having to talk to my Dad about it, since my Mom no longer lived with us. I withdrew and convinced myself that my parents’ divorce was my fault.

That summer, I lost my virginity in the worst possible way imaginable, I was raped. I was raped by a neighbor in a graveyard.  I won’t go into details, but it was pretty brutal. About a week after the rape I started my freshman year of high school. Before I was raped, I intended to lose my virginity to the boy I was dating at the time, who was also a virgin. What a horrible time in my life. My rapist came to my school a few times and called me names (like redman, because I bled on him, being a virgin), threatened me, and actually convinced me it was my fault (like I had actually wanted it). I couldn’t cope. I stopped going to school (The honor roll student completed only 30 days of her freshman year), I began smoking marijuana and drinking alcohol to numb the pain, and  I began being very promiscuous (I figured I would sleep with guys and by being willing, they couldn’t hurt me as my rapist had). Within a year, I would become pregnant with my first child. I was fifteen and couldn’t even drive myself to my own doctor’s appointments. I was arrested for the first time during my pregnancy, as well. I was caught shoplifting. From there, my life spiraled further out of control. I felt like a misfit and maybe I was. I felt much looked down upon. The stares a pregnant 15 year old gets does something to one’s self esteem. A handcuffed and pregnant 15 year old receives even more disapproving stares!

I held it together for a few years after that. I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, moved in with her much older father, got my GED, and completed two years of college. I found out that my daughter’s father had cheated on me most of my pregnancy and our relationship unraveled. We were on again off again with our relationship for a while and cut ties completely by the time my daughter was three. I was 19 and had a 3 year old daughter to support all on my own. Up until this point I was mainly addicted only to marijuana. I had dabbled in alcohol and LSD, but I was a stoner. I needed money, and quick, and made a horrible decision-I began a short lived career as an exotic dancer. The money was pretty good and my daughter wanted for nothing, but the drugs were available and plentiful. I discovered benzodiazepines and crack cocaine.

 When I was dancing, I had access to any drug imaginable.  By the age of 21 I had stopped dancing and met an addict who was even sicker than I was- my future ex-husband and the father of my boys. He was every girl’s dream- controlling, abusive, and loved to shoot up cocaine. Within two years I was shooting up cocaine daily and in no shape to take care of, my then, 7 year old daughter. It was painful, but I decided to leave her in the care of my mother, only to find out that I was pregnant again. The pregnancy ended in miscarriage (probably cocaine induced) and I broke down mentally. The guilt I felt over the death of my child proved to be more than my fragile psyche could handle. I cleaned my act up for a while, became pregnant AGAIN and gave birth to my son.  I didn’t stay clean for long. His father and I drug each other further down into our addictions. I did so many things that I am not proud of during this time. I smoked crack in front of my son and took him with me to dealers’ houses on occasion. It was ugly. His bedtime was usually about 4 AM. I began selling drugs and was busted by an undercover narcotics detective on felony resale charges for selling Oxycontin, Xanax, and Methamphetamine's.

 A few years later I gave birth to my third child, my youngest son, and discovered crystal meth and later Oxycontin. The opiates were what did me in. I began going to a “pain” clinic and getting the usual cocktail of oxy, benzos, and muscle relaxers. My youngest son was five years old and I had to shoot oxy into my veins every day to take care of his brother and him. He has held my hair while I vomited from withdrawals more times than I care to admit. I didn't become a full blown prostitute, but had things not changed I would have. Let’s just say that I hooked up with guys based on their limp and the possibility of getting them into a pain clinic, not because I found them handsome or charming. I was arrested two more times for DUI’s only weeks apart.

By this time, my now ex-husband, was serving time in prison on drug related charges and I overdosed, landing myself in intensive care. My boys were taken away from me and I woke up in ICU with one thing on my mind-getting high. I left against the doctor’s advice and did just that. My Mom began caring for my boys (remember she already had my daughter) and I went to stay with a friend while I waited to get in to treatment. During this time, separated from my children and having nothing and no one, (other than the one generous friend who took me in) I begged God every night to take me out of this world, contemplated suicide daily, and woke up angry at God that I was still breathing.

 I finally got into a treatment center in Alabama on July the 14th, 2010 and began showing my demons who their Momma is. JI learned that I had a disease, not some kind of a moral failing. I learned about this disease I have and saw the havoc that it had wreaked on my life as well as the other people I was in rehab with. I met people who had been sober for months and even years. I began learning about myself and how and why my life had fallen apart. I began loving myself a little and slowly began forgiving myself for all I had done and the harm that I had caused. The counselors that I met in rehab helped me so much. It had been a minute since I had been treated like a real human being. They had been there themselves, they understood me, and they even saw potential in ME! I spent a few short weeks in rehab and came back to Tennessee to live with my Mom and three children.

I came home to a wrecked house (the boys had destroyed their bedrooms and had even pulled all of their clothes down out of their closets), the house was a mess, and the pill fairy must have come while I was gone because there were literally pills all over the floor of my bedroom when I walked into it (I guess I dropped them while visiting before I went to rehab???). Welcome home!!!??? My Mom had her hands full to say the least!!! I have often blamed her for not getting me into treatment or trying to help me (I still do in some ways). Maybe she didn’t realize how bad it was, denial maybe? I know she was so ashamed of me and I think she still is. She doesn’t talk to me about my recovery and seems uncomfortable if I talk about it. Don’t get me wrong, I take responsibility for my part in my downward spiral into addiction. I just think that after my parents divorced, they both checked out of my life. I was so young and vulnerable and had zero guidance. I was 14 and left for days at a time and no one ever asked where I had been.

 Regardless, I ended up flushing those pills that I found in my bedroom and the scores of others that I found around the house after returning from rehab. I began connecting with the old me (the sweet, smart, funny girl I was before my addiction consumed me), and connecting with other people in recovery (I tried NA and it just wasn't for me, but I think it’s a good program and I met many people there who taught me so much). I began reading (a couple of books a week in early recovery), exercising (releasing those endorphin's naturally!!!), and spending quality time with my children. I went back to school.  I began to heal. I’m still healing. It does get easier. We do recover-and we flourish.  My life is pretty boring these days and I no longer want to die. I have a beautiful little life, although things are not perfect. My oldest child and my parents are still distant from me, but we are making progress. My relationships with my boys are very strong and they are doing great. They are so resilient. I am humbled by my experience and thankful for my new found peace of mind. I feel so free and am no longer a slave to my addiction. I stay on top of my mental health. If I get stressed, anxious, or sad I ponder why and I talk about it, journal about it, take a walk, reach out to others, or whatever I need to do to deal with the negative feelings that are occurring, in a healthy way.

Before rehab, I honestly felt unworthy of love, true joy, or peace of mind. I hated myself. Today, I love me!!!! Writing my story has been a little difficult for me. These are hard things to talk about, but so important. If we don’t speak up about addiction and recovery, other addicts will not hear our stories and they will live in that downward spiral of addiction never knowing the beauty of and the healing that occurs in recovery. As recovering addicts, I think it’s imperative that we tell our stories, in an effort to put a face on addiction in order to lessen the stigma associated with our disease so that more addicts will seek the help that they desperately need. In one way, the hurts that I write of seem like they just happened yesterday, but in another way it seems like a different lifetime ago. It has been said that an addict who recovers lives two lives in one (as an addict and as a recovering addict). As I finish writing my story, I see the truth in that statement. After finishing school I hope to work as a substance abuse counselor and help other addicts. My dream is to work in a recovery high school. I went to treatment at the age of 31, about 15 years after the onset of my disease.  I certainly wish that I had gone to treatment much earlier in my addiction, but am thankful that I found recovery at all. Many addicts die never attempting to recover and succumb to their disease.

In closing, I realize that this is the first time that I have told my story. It has been hard, yet relieving, to get it out. I hope maybe my story will help someone or someone will relate to something in it. I want to thank Abby for giving me this opportunity to talk about my addiction and my recovery. Thanks Abby, you rock girl! J
                                                                                      From: Angie, with love.

Angie's story is amazing and truly inspirational. Thank you Angie for opening up and letting others know that it can happen, it's hard but an amazing journey to be on. The amazing journey we thought was chasing our next high, nobody thinks being sober is awesome too but it is!

Thank you again... all my love<3

Until Next time....