What is Addiction?

How would you describe addiction to somebody that has no idea what addiction is.

I refer to addiction as a hole.. a very black hole that you fall in and it's almost like quick sand your trying to get out, your almost there and then it sucks you right back in. 

This was me inside the hole wanting out of the hole. To be a part of society that is able to look at that big blue sky during the day and the stars at night. I felt like I was in a sinking hole with quick sand trying so hard to get out. Knowing my life was in complete and utter destruction but the quick sand was sucking me in. And, every time I felt maybe I had escaped it I did not...

We can be very manipulative. We can lie and it not affect us. We will cheat to get our hands on it. We steal so hide your belongings. We can easily make people think it's not what it seems. We are not always sick looking, or skinny, or have dark eyes. Some wear make-up everyday, some are functioning, and some are not.

Now that I am sober I can tell when I see a complete stranger if they are high. I look in their eyes, and look directly at their pupils. If they are tiny tiny tiny they are doing pills.... Crack/Coke/Meth-their pupils will be huge. 

Luckily my mother never got this side of me only from a distance..and my father he was so drunk he had no idea that when he was writing me $300 checks I was cashing them for drugs. 

I remember one time my mom came to visit and she thought I was anorexic... she use to be naive.

Then the time she came in to visit about 3-4 years after asking if I was anorexic. She came and picked me up and she was taking me to Cleveland for the weekend. I really do not remember the trip but remember going. I shot up about 2 1/2 pills before leaving she wanted to stop and eat and I did. I had to ask her 3 times to pull over so I could puke-she knew then. I think she took me on that trip to not just spend time with me but for me to open up to her; but I did not. I think after that the last time I saw her was when I was calling to get help, and come home.  

We will tell you we want

but truly we do not. Want to know why? Because we have not had that ah-ha moment. We will tell you anything you want to hear. When you hear "hit rock bottom" that is really what that means. Many DO have their "rock bottom" moment. I did, and several other people did that I know... someone very close to me overdosed, came back to life and has been sober since. Some it takes prison, jails... some may start selling their body and that may be their bottom. Everybody is different when they do hit their bottom, but more than likely there will be a reason why the addict made the choice to quit. It could be as simple as "I was tired of seeing my family hurt" or "I was sick and tired of being sick and tired" 

The cycle is vicious. 

We are not forever cured. We can get help and learn our tools but nobody can truly cure us.

And, when you say help? What exactly do you mean. I had no insurance my mother and step-father forked out a lot of money for me to get help. That is sometimes not always the case though. It saddens me that addicts cannot get the help we all deserve. I know addiction is not like cancer, or any other terminal illness but addiction is a disease and should be treated as such. I will one day fight for insurance companies to accept addicts, for rehab programs to accept more insurance companies, and for rehabs to help those that may not have the money. That is my goal anyways, my other goal is to open a rehab center for addicts to get help for very little money. This is WHY I started this blog, and that is why I started my page. 

If I had to give advice to parents that has an addict I would say this:

1. Relapse is recovery, but it does not have to be- I say this to people because if one does relapse and quickly sees and tells somebody then they learned something from that. Some relapse after being clean because they need to see one more time that is not the life they choose anymore. It does not have to be part of recovery though.

2. Never give up hope. I would recommend the book by Jennifer Storm: Leave the Light On, and Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. And, another book called Come Back by Claire and Mia Fontaine. As an addict and my mother she showed me true tough love. I went months without speaking to her and called her one day and said "I am ready. It's over. The game is done"but how did she know I was truly done? And, when do you know is the right time? As an addict to maybe a mom or a dad maybe you could answer that. She took a chance I guess... and made a good one because I am still here. I always think their is a fine line between showing tough love, the addict thinking the parent has totally given up, but deep down we have not given up hope.

3. Teach your children early about drugs, and alcohol. My son will know what I went through at an early age. I have yet to figure out what age is appropriate he is 3 now. I think by the time he is 10 I will start speaking to him about it. Not all at once, but slowly...

4. You can trust us again once clean but remember not like you once did. The reason I say this is because although I have been clean for 6 years I still think sometimes my mom looks for something awkward in my voice, or maybe I sound "funny" on the phone to her sometimes. I can tell by the way she answers when I talk. When I smoke cigarettes I clear my throat a lot I think my mom thinks that is something "funny". I think you moms that read my blog will understand this. If the addict EVER forgets where they came from they will soon be back at the same old stuff. Make sure they are still talking and expressing their feelings... the moment you feel they are backing away slowly confront them.

I always knew when my father would relapse, or was about to relapse. He starts walking 3 months before he starts drinking, he will not call often, and gets aggressive with me. I could tell before his own mother could tell. I could tell when I would be on the phone with him 1,500 miles away from him.

Last but not least... it is important for all members in the family to receive counseling or at least attend Al-anon meetings. Maybe even go to a meeting with the addict-invite yourself to go with them. If they decline that is okay just keep trying.

These are my thoughts, opinions from my journey, personal experiences, and from what I have seen.
Just observing.
Thank you for reading...
Until next time...
xoxo