Proud

Today I am a college graduate.

I am in tears. Tears of happiness. Tears of joy. Tears of accomplishments I have made.

I am so proud. I am so proud. I cannot say it enough I am just damn proud of myself. 

I did it! I really did it.

Yep, that is me... A.D.D. when I first started going to school my mother said to me and she was not being mean she was being very truthful. Our conversation went like this 

Mom-Abby while I know you can do this I am just afraid you will take out student loans and not finish something. Your A.D.D. gets in the way at times and you never have finished anything in your life.

Abby-I know mom I haven't but this I am going to do. I am going to finish school. I will counsel addicts. I want to be the voice of addiction. This is my passion

Mom-Okay Abby I just hope you do it this time.

The other day when my academic counselor called me and said "You did it. Your diploma will be in the mail soon" I called my mom and reminded her of that conversation she said "Abby I never meant that mean it's just the truth" I know it's so true. I have truly never in my life finished a project, or something I have started. I start a scrapbook do 2 pages and put it away. I have always been like that. I start cleaning the house and I get distracted and start doing something else and the house is dirty. It has got worse since getting older. If the t.v. is on, my husband is talking, and my son is talking my head literally cannot take it-it starts going crazy and I have to walk out. 

I truly accomplished something. I truly stuck through this and DID IT! I maintained a 3.19 GPA and now I have student loans out the ass. It doesn't matter because I will do what God has intended me to do and that is help others. Every grade card from Kindergarten to 8th grade read "Abby does not focus on herself, she focus's on others and needs to focus on herself" I have always been this way. I still am at times... that is okay God knows what He is doing. 

My mail woman knocked on my door to personally give me my diploma. We both screamed and shouted. We say hello to each other but we have never spoken in depth. She was proud, I was proud... Thank you for hand delivering this to me I appreciate it, I also did not have to walk to the mailbox even better:)

One thing I did not do was give up. Even when I took the same math class 3 times in a row I never gave up. Did I say it already because I am so proud!! 

Until Next Time.... xoxo

Stronger

So, last blog I was hit with what I call devastating news. After writing the blog I felt much better. I picked this quote today because my father having a baby is not "killing" me so in the end I will be stronger because of this. I am still devastated and worried about the baby... but there is nothing I can do about it. I am a strong woman that can fight anything coming my way. I am not saying I am almighty because trust me I have my days where I feel totally weak... even 6 years later I still have my days where I feel like "I could use just once and it would be okay tomorrow" but it won't. What would that solve-NOTHING! 

When my dad told me this I will admit I started looking back. I started thinking if there was something I could do to change it... like I always have of course it never changed it but I felt that I was changing it. If that makes sense... if you have read my blogs from the start you would understand the VERY strong effect my father has on me and my emotions. And, if you know me personally then you know how weak he can make me. The next day from finding out I puked off and on that day. Crying.. emotional... and felt like a total bum. I can feel that way sometimes it's if I pick myself back up that I am stronger because of it. And I did. I was using the bathroom (peeing for all that care haha) and I prayed... I prayed for him to release my anxiety, to show me the right way, to give me something to show me what I should do. The minute I prayed my heart was not pounding anymore I felt the release of my anxiety. I thought to myself "really Lord-I will pray right away then wait all day" He heard me. He is still seeing how I handle this though because he has not yet told me the direction to take. I am leaning more towards... keep the communication with my father to e-mails still and if my brother/sister have questions they can find me and I will provide the accurate answers. 

One way I deal with things after the hurt, sadness, and pity where's off is I laugh. I laugh, and laugh, and laugh... it's my coping mechanism. Sure it's a cover up for the time being but what better medicine than to laugh. So, to get a good laugh out of this whole thing I kindly e-mailed my father and told him I would be sending him Huggies, Pampers, and Wipe coupons in the mail. 3 days later I got an e-mail that Babies R Us was having a huge 2 days sale the Subject line wrote "Pampers diapers, wipes, bouncers and MORE-Mega-2-day sale come in" so I forwarded it to my dad. Yeah it's little and it's petty but it gives me a little satisfaction. 

The day after I found out and I prayed about this I thought I have set this wall up with him and kept building this wall with my boundaries and he will NOT tear them down. I cannot sit here and think I was not a good daughter because I was... I took care of YOU while you were drunk... I watched as you got arrested... I watched as you not only destroyed your life but my life and my brother's life. This is why it is so HARD to know he is having a BABY! A tiny innocent precious child that he DOES NOT deserve!!!! That wall was NOT knocked down that day... but I can tell you that I did have fears it would.

I love this quote. I am strong, I have dignity and sometimes I can laugh thru my greatest fears. 

One day when the baby is born... I will write a letter on my blog to the baby-maybe sooner than delivery... maybe after... maybe a couple letters. That is the only thing I can do... I will not let YOU tear my down AGAIN!!! 

:) Until Next Time... xoxoxo

Phew...

Yesterday was awful. Today is better.

You see, my father has always had this very strong hold on emotions and feelings. I don't know why... I don't know what it could be that he can make me feel the way he feels sometimes. I did not let him get me down for long. Just a whole day not as bad as it could have been. 

Last July, I stopped communication with my father but kept my e-mail open when he or I wanted to communicate. I am not going to go into specifics about why we stopped talking because it's just the same old stuff if you know my father and I's relationship. Yesterday I was thanking the Lord I went to West Central to build the boundaries, and putting the walls in place that needed to be there. If I had not went I would have been puking, and having anxiety for days but yesterday is all it was. 

I am really embarrassed and ashamed. Maybe if I open up about it somebody will have been through a similar situation. 

3 years ago my father told me he met a woman. I was happy for him, and he seemed happy. I was happy for him because I did not know the circumstances around the situation. After I found out that the girl he was with was younger than I... it really grossed me out. It embarrassed me that he would go for a young woman. I know that it is "okay" in this day and age but when you have a child close to your girlfriends age it kind of makes it harder to accept. They ended up getting married. I kind of just pushed it away because they live in a different state than I; so it was basically an out of sight out of mind thing. I knew they were trying to have a baby but I thought because my father drank so much that it would never happen. 

Well, guess what... Sunday night sitting on the couch reading my Kindle relaxing from a long day of egg hunting I received an e-mail from my father. It said "Guess who is pregnant?" my first thought was that he was going to tell me my cousin was pregnant but he did not. I responded "Who?" his response "my wife" jaw dropped that lump in my stomach started and the anxiety started flowing. I instantly got that "hot" feeling over me and ran outside and picked up a cigarette. I was in so much shock I had no idea what to do. All these thoughts running through my head. 

I am the type of the person that when somebody is alone, or feels lonely it gives me anxiety. That is the huge reason I took care of my father for so many years was because I could not stand the thought of him going through addiction alone and it gave me major anxiety to think that. When I went to school and he was at home drunk I could not concentrate all day. It not only goes for my dad but for my friends too. I know what it feels like to be lonely, or go through something that nobody understands alone.

I heard that his wife was calling around at the end of February to find a rehab facility to get him into because he wanted to stop drinking. When I heard that I just laughed and laughed... how many times have I heard that one. Too many too count. 

I kept the lines of communication open with his wife. A year after I got home from West Central they came down to visit. Mind you, at this time of them first dating she did not know he was an alcoholic. Well, when they came down to Florida I received a phone call from her saying "What is wrong with your dad? He is drinking right out of the bottle, and I do not know what to do" the first thing I thought was "I have to get right over there and take care of him" but my West Central tools kicked in and I did not go.  I let him go through this alone. I told her the seriousness of my father's drinking and that when she got home she needed to pack her bags and leave. She did not heed my warning. She will learn for herself. Her and I would talk every once in a while and I was always friendly with her when I would speak to my father. 

Well, she is now pregnant. 15 weeks along. And, I am shocked, embarrassed, and disgusted... but some part of me is a little happy. I am confused as to what to do and confused if I should open up communication with my father again. My first thought is why would SHE knowing how he is want to bring a baby into the world knowing he is a drunk and that makes me mad at her. She acts like we do not exist that he never had a life before. When I say we I mean my brother and I. When I was going through taking care of my father... my brother was going thru not having a father. We were going through a similar thing but alone... my fear is that my dad will mess up again, she will leave him.. and my baby brother/sister will be alone and have many unanswered questions about their father. It's lonely when your going through a very traumatic thing such as having an addicted parent. My prayer is this does not happen. My prayer is that they have a boy so the baby will not grow up and have my dad (like I did) and become a daddy's little girl and want to protect him like I did. Then, my fear is that he will step up to the plate be the dad he never was.... and I would hold resentments towards my brother/sister for having a father that I did not. I would be happy the baby was not going to grow up with no father... but a little hurt at the same time. 

I am thinking of all these feelings and trying to process all of this. I know that if I did not open communication and my brother/sister found me in 10 years and wanted questions I would damn sure have all the answers. I prayed all day yesterday between anxiety, and puking. I know I will be delivered the right answer in time. The shock was too much to handle. 

My emotions are better today. I woke up and got my work out in, and took a shower and actually ate something. 

Any advice or suggestions would be helpful. What do you think? If you knew what you mom/dad was like and they were having a baby but you had little communication with your mom/dad how would you handle this?

Until next time... xoxoxo

Opening up...

11/2006

Have you ever felt you knew the way you were going to die? At first I thought I did. I always had a vision of dying in a car accident. Down here in South Florida so much traffic and people have no patience. I have always felt I was going to die at a young age... I still do feel that way. My brother and I got in a car accident  he was taking me to school and another car hit us. We were all okay... but after that I always felt I was going to die young, and die in a car accident. I got my license at 18 in 2005. I had left J and came back to Florida, he was abusive. My mom and step dad bought me a car. Well, after Hurricane Wilma went through I decided to take off... my addiction got the best of me. I went back to the abusive boyfriend, and the drugs.. only this time it was worse. I was using needles.

My friend in High School had twins. K hated me because she claims I took her best friend from her when I moved to town. Well, K had twins and 1 of them passed away it was a tragedy to all in the town; but at first we really did not believe it. I don't know the whole story. But, I wrecked my car going to the Funeral Home. Even thru the jealousy, and fights we were both always there for each other and I had to be there for her today. I was smoking pot (well trying) and I just ran head on into this tree.. I had another person with me. We were both okay but the state trooper, and two truck guy thought for sure we had already been taken to the ER. 

About 4 months later I go to rehab-clean and sober. I was looking into a 6 month place called Mercy Ministries it was a girls only facility out of state. It was to help with all woman teenage pregnancies, addiction, unruly kids... it was a Christian based facility and free you just had to complete the requirements to be accepted. I had never got along with females so I was freaking out a bit thinking "I could NOT live in a facility with other females, I do not trust them" (Come to find out a year down the road I would be locked up in a prison with 18 other females). We had to pass physicals, and fill out tons of paper work... I went to have my blood tested and I remember getting a call back from the Dr.'s saying I needed to come in and talk to them about some things. I was freaking out... I was a needle user I was terrified for my life. 

I had Hepatitis C. A liver disease. Genotype 1 (the hardest to cure) and a viral load; meaning treatment would be right around the corner. I had just started seeing my husband and I was terrified, scared, and helpless. I am dying by the slowest disease possible. This is a liver disease it is not something to mess with. My blood is forever infected, and I forever have to be careful with everything I do. My doctor suggests treatment which is like a chemo. Can you handle this? We just started dating... I am terrified you will say you can, and then leave... When this is brought up I give you the seriousness of this disease and the treatment. Sometimes I feel in my heart you do not know what to expect, or are not prepared... 

You cannot be embarrassed, or ashamed of this.. I was too but that is not how you can handle something. If I handle this disease with embarrassment, or of being shameful I will never get anywhere and I will relapse. I cannot be angry. I'm sorry you are embarrassed. I hope over time you learn to accept just like I have. I have accepted I will live with this... I have accepted I could possibly die from this... and I have accepted that anything could happen living with Hepatitis C. 

Deep down I feel you cannot handle this. You had a girlfriend for 7 years with diabetes and did not take care of herself... and now this which is a leading cause of death in the United States. If you do choose to leave me I will understand I will accept this and I will move on... because I do not expect anybody to want to deal with this. 

Gary, I am crazy. My ex-boyfriend and his family made me crazy...they turned me into this angry violent person that I never wanted to be. I am sorry I am so mean I have never had a guy treat me so honest, loving, and one that actually cares for me.. so I am not use to this. I am use to being thrown up against the wall, choked, thrown around like a rag doll... not given hugs and kisses and asking me how my day is. I do not need your sympathy if you choose to leave me... I am a very STRONG woman and I know deep down that this will NOT break me. 

I hope you stick with me through this-if not, you are the best man that I have EVER had in my life... you are my first love and I swear on that.

I love you with all my heart-

Abbs

UPDATE 2012:

This was written back in 2006 when I got clean, and was getting my health situation figured out. It was a very scary time... admitting I was an addict was a piece of cake... fighting this liver disease was the hardest thing ever to face. The girlfriend I talked about that I went to Funeral for... she wore the wire on me which caused my indictment I have forgiven her in order to move on in my own recovery. I could not stay stuck in the past. I wrote her told her I forgive her. We are not friends, or do not talk... but I have moved on and I hope she has too. 

My doctor wanted me to do the treatment I went in there 3 days before starting and he wanted to check my Viral Load to make sure when I started my treatment it was decreasing and the treatment was responding. I got my test results back the day before starting the treatment.. my viral load was 0! I am to get tested once a year for my Hepatitis C, have to maintain a healthy diet. I really thought I was dying... which sometimes when I dwell on me having Hepatitis C I take a shower and I scrub myself for 20 minutes feeling dirty. Sounds OCD right... but it's true. 

The letter this was for...was my husband now; the best man I have ever met. I was terrified he was going to leave me. He did not and we married in 2007 and had a beautiful baby boy in 2008. This year October will be 6 years together, and 5 years of Marriage:)

I did end up going to an all girl lock up facility... but not the one mentioned in the letter. Ironic how things turn out. I actually got declined for Mercy Ministries because of my recent health issue. I still have Hepatitis C, and at times I do fear I am dying the slowest death possible... but if I dwell to much on that I will relapse and I know that. So, the pity parties are limited around here:) LOL

Thank you for reading. This is pretty revealing for me but I am opening up and that is what I need to do. Thank you for listening. 

Until next time....

xoxo