Opening up...

11/2006

Have you ever felt you knew the way you were going to die? At first I thought I did. I always had a vision of dying in a car accident. Down here in South Florida so much traffic and people have no patience. I have always felt I was going to die at a young age... I still do feel that way. My brother and I got in a car accident  he was taking me to school and another car hit us. We were all okay... but after that I always felt I was going to die young, and die in a car accident. I got my license at 18 in 2005. I had left J and came back to Florida, he was abusive. My mom and step dad bought me a car. Well, after Hurricane Wilma went through I decided to take off... my addiction got the best of me. I went back to the abusive boyfriend, and the drugs.. only this time it was worse. I was using needles.

My friend in High School had twins. K hated me because she claims I took her best friend from her when I moved to town. Well, K had twins and 1 of them passed away it was a tragedy to all in the town; but at first we really did not believe it. I don't know the whole story. But, I wrecked my car going to the Funeral Home. Even thru the jealousy, and fights we were both always there for each other and I had to be there for her today. I was smoking pot (well trying) and I just ran head on into this tree.. I had another person with me. We were both okay but the state trooper, and two truck guy thought for sure we had already been taken to the ER. 

About 4 months later I go to rehab-clean and sober. I was looking into a 6 month place called Mercy Ministries it was a girls only facility out of state. It was to help with all woman teenage pregnancies, addiction, unruly kids... it was a Christian based facility and free you just had to complete the requirements to be accepted. I had never got along with females so I was freaking out a bit thinking "I could NOT live in a facility with other females, I do not trust them" (Come to find out a year down the road I would be locked up in a prison with 18 other females). We had to pass physicals, and fill out tons of paper work... I went to have my blood tested and I remember getting a call back from the Dr.'s saying I needed to come in and talk to them about some things. I was freaking out... I was a needle user I was terrified for my life. 

I had Hepatitis C. A liver disease. Genotype 1 (the hardest to cure) and a viral load; meaning treatment would be right around the corner. I had just started seeing my husband and I was terrified, scared, and helpless. I am dying by the slowest disease possible. This is a liver disease it is not something to mess with. My blood is forever infected, and I forever have to be careful with everything I do. My doctor suggests treatment which is like a chemo. Can you handle this? We just started dating... I am terrified you will say you can, and then leave... When this is brought up I give you the seriousness of this disease and the treatment. Sometimes I feel in my heart you do not know what to expect, or are not prepared... 

You cannot be embarrassed, or ashamed of this.. I was too but that is not how you can handle something. If I handle this disease with embarrassment, or of being shameful I will never get anywhere and I will relapse. I cannot be angry. I'm sorry you are embarrassed. I hope over time you learn to accept just like I have. I have accepted I will live with this... I have accepted I could possibly die from this... and I have accepted that anything could happen living with Hepatitis C. 

Deep down I feel you cannot handle this. You had a girlfriend for 7 years with diabetes and did not take care of herself... and now this which is a leading cause of death in the United States. If you do choose to leave me I will understand I will accept this and I will move on... because I do not expect anybody to want to deal with this. 

Gary, I am crazy. My ex-boyfriend and his family made me crazy...they turned me into this angry violent person that I never wanted to be. I am sorry I am so mean I have never had a guy treat me so honest, loving, and one that actually cares for me.. so I am not use to this. I am use to being thrown up against the wall, choked, thrown around like a rag doll... not given hugs and kisses and asking me how my day is. I do not need your sympathy if you choose to leave me... I am a very STRONG woman and I know deep down that this will NOT break me. 

I hope you stick with me through this-if not, you are the best man that I have EVER had in my life... you are my first love and I swear on that.

I love you with all my heart-

Abbs

UPDATE 2012:

This was written back in 2006 when I got clean, and was getting my health situation figured out. It was a very scary time... admitting I was an addict was a piece of cake... fighting this liver disease was the hardest thing ever to face. The girlfriend I talked about that I went to Funeral for... she wore the wire on me which caused my indictment I have forgiven her in order to move on in my own recovery. I could not stay stuck in the past. I wrote her told her I forgive her. We are not friends, or do not talk... but I have moved on and I hope she has too. 

My doctor wanted me to do the treatment I went in there 3 days before starting and he wanted to check my Viral Load to make sure when I started my treatment it was decreasing and the treatment was responding. I got my test results back the day before starting the treatment.. my viral load was 0! I am to get tested once a year for my Hepatitis C, have to maintain a healthy diet. I really thought I was dying... which sometimes when I dwell on me having Hepatitis C I take a shower and I scrub myself for 20 minutes feeling dirty. Sounds OCD right... but it's true. 

The letter this was for...was my husband now; the best man I have ever met. I was terrified he was going to leave me. He did not and we married in 2007 and had a beautiful baby boy in 2008. This year October will be 6 years together, and 5 years of Marriage:)

I did end up going to an all girl lock up facility... but not the one mentioned in the letter. Ironic how things turn out. I actually got declined for Mercy Ministries because of my recent health issue. I still have Hepatitis C, and at times I do fear I am dying the slowest death possible... but if I dwell to much on that I will relapse and I know that. So, the pity parties are limited around here:) LOL

Thank you for reading. This is pretty revealing for me but I am opening up and that is what I need to do. Thank you for listening. 

Until next time....

xoxo