I am NOT better than anybody...

I have somebody that is very dear to my heart and I love with all my heart. I have helped her for 5 years by talking daily to her sometimes for 3 to 4 hours at a time trying to help her see the light. I would just sit and listen to her as she was venting... because I know that she just needed somebody to listen. She just wanted somebody to understand where she was coming from. I did understand a lot of what she was going through... I did understand that she just wanted somebody to listen. Sometimes I never said anything after she was done because I knew it felt good to her to just vent. Sometimes we just want somebody to listen... even if they do not understand anything we are saying. We just need an ear. 

We live many miles away from each other. Sometimes though I feel as if she lives right around the corner; or sometimes I felt that I was right there with her while she was struggling. I use to be so upset because I was not there... I was not there to just give her a hug when I know how bad she needed it. She was the type that would not truly open up to me about everything but give me bits and pieces of a story.. then she would tell somebody else a different piece to the story. I would talk to the other person and then get the full version of the story. Her mom (my aunt) and I stayed helping this girl. Helping her to realize that she needed some serious help. To make her see the things she was doing was not helping her. The people she was hanging out with were not helping her. She would always tell me that because I have been sober and away from the lifestyle that I had no idea what it was like anymore.. that I have been gone for far to long. She always told me that I acted like I was better than her. Better than her? I am the same as her... I am the same person she is an addict. We are addicts. We are not better than anybody we are all the same living in different worlds right now. I remember telling her that if I ever for one second forgot what the game was like then I would be right there with her using again. The people that relapse I feel like forgot what it was like to sit on their couch, or in a hospital bed withdrawing and it led them right back to where they are... using drugs.

You can read my blog here about this same subject about living in the game... The Game

(just click on the link). This girl I am talking about we grew up together, we are more like sisters rather than cousins. She is truly everything to me and if I lost her I would be so numb. 

September 29, 2011 it was 6:33pm. My husband was working out of town my son had the flu and I was not feeling the greatest either. My phone rang... it was my aunt. She was unsure of details but got a call that her kids were in the care of child services and she was int he hospital. She was on her way to figure out details but as she knew she was not going to make it. I told her to repeat this to me multiple times... I was outside going in circles around my car screaming "tell me this is not true K; just tell me your lying". So I wait for more information waiting by the phone. Coming inside I am just going in circles.. this cannot be true there is some type of confusion. (HERE GOES MY A.D.D.). Growing up my father was a Mortician; I lived in a Funeral Home. I was surrounded by death all the time. I have never had anybody close to me pass away; I have had friends but not like a family member. I am sensitive to death but I also at a very young age was around it then I just know in life that death happens and their is sometimes nothing we can do about it. But when I got this phone call my heart sunk and I finally could understand grief. I could finally understand what it meant, and felt like. It's a horrible feeling. A sickening feeling. So, I call my husband I am crying like no other.. he is trying so hard to understand me but he is listening and at that moment that was all I needed at the time. I finally at 9:30 received news that she needed 2 shots of Narcon but was going to make it. I thought I lost my other half that day. We are so different but in many ways so much alike... I still get brought back to that moment and the feelings when I received that phone call many times and sometimes on a daily basis. I never want to feel that again. 

When we would talk and I would ask her why she would never tell me the whole story but only tell me bits & pieces then I have to find out from others the whole story. I just never understood that. She would always tell me that I was so far away... that I was not physically there to give her a hug, or a shoulder to cry on. That would really hurt me because I so desperately wanted too. I wanted so bad to be there for her on so many occasions. My best friend and her lived together for sometime... they always felt like because I was clean and they were not that I acted better than them. I just know that if they tried as hard as I did they could be where I am. They could have what I have but they don't. They want to stay stuck in a small little town that is nothing and will never give them anything. I tried telling them both to move to a bigger city where there are more job opportunities but they won't. They want to stay stuck. It always made me so sad that they would ever feel this way about me... I would cry because it hurt my feelings so bad. Then I would think do they NOT remember when I was doing exactly what they are doing. Did they forget? Because I DO NOT FORGET! I NEVER WILL... 

Saturday I was talking to her and I was in the middle of telling her my frustrations-mind you, I never hardly vent to anybody because I know some people have much greater problems than I. And, some people need to vent theirs more than I do. I call that a very self-less act on my part. I listen to everybody's problems without telling mine... #1. nobody asks #2. I know they do not care #3. as stated before my problems are minimal to others. So I am venting and (she did it to me twice in one week) said in the middle of my story "Oh well I have to go I just got a text message and I need to read it and respond I am sorry for cutting you off" my response "Same ol' selfish you" 

She sent me a text this morning " I just love how you think your too good" Broke my heart ONCE AGAIN!!! 

I will never be better than anybody. I do not feel I have EVER put off that persona of myself.. I am just in a totally different spot in my life than you are. I get so bothered by this... I have done nothing but be there for this person. I have been on the phone sitting outside my house listening to her neglecting my own family to be there for her. I would NEVER give up on anybody... so I did anything I could to be there for her. I am just so sick that she feels this way it truly breaks my heart. Nothing I can do.... I just do not and I do not ever think I will understand selfish people. 

I just have to let it be. I know deep down I am not this type of person. I also know that if this was anybody else I could give a shit less... but it's her and I love this girl so much I would walk through fire for her. 

I just hope one days she sees this.

Until Next Time.....