My Fears

I have so many fears and wonder often where they come from. I know one of my biggest fears since my drug conviction is driving in my car... getting pulled over... having my son in the car and they see I have a felony with a drug charge and search my car. This will be fine to search... I just do not want to have my son with me and wonder what is going on. Or, what if there is a computer glitch and it says I have a warrant and I am again taken from my family. I fear a corrupt cop, which we all know there are some. Just recently in my city 2 detectives were arrested for extortion, kidnapping, and about 20 other charges. How do I teach my son they are good people when all I see on the news is how corrupt they can be too. 

Another fear is my son getting hurt, my husband leaving me, my low self-esteem that it will return and shatter me into pieces. Fears of somebody coming in my house while I am home. Taking a shower alone when nobody is here. A fire from cooking. Failing. Not succeeding. Loosing another friend/family member to drugs or alcohol. 

When looking at my fears written out I feel crazy in my head... where did they come from? Why are they there? I know I watch way to much news and am caught up on the latest horrific crimes that happen. Watching Investigative Discovery is my Saturday thing... but why? Then I grow more fears. I fear my son walking out the door one day and somebody grabbing him. He is so friendly... would he know the difference between a stranger and knowing the person; he is constantly saying hello to strangers. It is his innocence and he gets that from me (being outgoing and having an awesome personality; I say hello to everybody and smile). I am not going to tell him not to say hello to people but does he know the difference? Heaven's no he doesn't know the difference he is 3 years old and full of pure innocence. If he is jumping around I fear he will fall and break his tiny ankle...

I remember my niece cracking up at me on our yearly girls trip because I have so much anxiety and fear consuming my body. It's not funny but I laughed it out with her just because. It is crazy that I fear the littlest things not even I can control. I do know the Lord can control my fears and by giving them to him He will be the one to set me free. I have to keep thinking "things happen, life happens". My son at 1 years old had a seizure his fever was 105.6!! I was using an under the arm thermometer and it was giving me readings of 99.1. I remember calling my mom and telling her he felt hotter than what the thermometer was giving me. I am a first time mom I did not know rectal and ear thermometers were the best to use. Mom tells me to put him in the bath and it will cool him down... 5 minutes later he was seizing and like that for a good 10 minutes. I called 911 hung up and just got in the car, my husband holding my son (still seizing) windows down rushing him to the hospital. Now when he gets sick I stay up all night, he has a fever I take him straight to the doctor. It helps me sleep better (kind of). 

 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. (Isaiah 41:10, NLT)

This is so true we should not fear because ultimately God is wish us and He does give us the strength and He does help, guide, lift us up. Each day I have to give a fear to the Lord for him to take. I know I cannot stop what is going to happen... that is the thing I do know I cannot stop it but then it is hard to stop having that fear.

Today I am giving the fear of failing to the Lord. He will always guide me in the right direction. I feel He has guided me to read the different posts I have read today on fear. I do not feel so alone we all have fears. I do not feel so crazy anymore, as long as each day I continue to give a little bit more to God. 

Some Quotes

"Troubles are a lot like people - they grow bigger if you nurse them.  ~Author Unknown"

"I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and abundance.  Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep getting a busy signal - and soon they'll forget my number.  ~Edith Armstrong" 

Leaving behind my fear so I do not live a life in my own prison.

Until Next time<3