Giving up & Enabling the Addict

How do we give up on the one we love the most? Either we gave birth to this person, a parent, a best friend since childhood, aunt, uncle, grandparent, sister, brother...how could we possibly give up on somebody? We know this person can be a better person, and has so much potential so we feel we need to stay in that persons life; not only do we feel we have to stay in that persons life because the question always lingers "what if they die". We could possibly not ever live with ourselves because we gave up on them, we were only showing them tough love. I know it is seriously the hardest thing to think about but eventually the addict is out of control and needing somebody to give up on them. Are we really giving up though? I do not see it as giving up, I see this as showing the other person that living the life they choose will not get them anywhere, and maybe you should start to listen to us. 

I am not only an addict.... but I am also the enabler that had to give up. I am also an addict that was showed the tough love in order to recognize that I was not going to amount to anything unless I stopped using drugs. I am a mother...he is three years old and I hope to never have to go through the decisions my mother went thru when trying to figure out what to do. She was strong in her decision making about "giving up on me" and eventually I realized. In one own's opinion I feel that after the second chance of trying to help the addict we should really just give up because the addict has to want the help. If the addict does not want the help, they will not succeed. 

My father was a drinker my whole life. When I lived with him it was a small town and everybody knew everybody. When my father would get drunk he would hand me money over $200-$250 at a time and tell me to go get him a 24 pack of Natural Ice and I could keep the change. I did it every time he asked... why? Because I was the drug addict always seeking my new high. I never really looked at myself as an enabler but in fact I was, and little did my father know but he was enabling my habit as well. I was coming home at 5AM all coked out but he would have never known that since he was drunk from the 24 pack. Sometimes he would notice and think something awful happened... well dad those bags under my eyes are not black eyes it's from snorting coke for 3 days! Hello where have you been? That's right drunk on the couch... he would have never know if I had a party at my house! 

We first should always set boundaries and limits with the addict. We do not give them money if it that important take them to the store and get them the food they need. If they need clothes direct them to the "free" store in your area, they need drugs show them the nearest rehab. Do not go out and give them money, buy them a car, give them a house, take them to the dope man's house, basically cut them off. 

These are my parents... If it were not for my mother totally giving up and my step-father encouraging her I probably would not be where I am right now. I am very thankful for that, thankful that she actually did it because I am 5 years clean. She would answer my phone calls but if I was not asking for help they were very short lived conversations. I honestly do not even remember how often I called or anything.. and, when I called her in May 2006 for help I had to make all the phone calls. She did not help me... because honestly it took me 2 weeks or something to make the actual phone calls.

That was the only way I was going to be successful if I made the phone calls, asked to go to a meeting, talking about my problems. I have enabled my father and eventually had to give up on that because it was not going anywhere. He would go to rehab... come out of it... go to meetings... sponsor... then cur-plunk he hit the bottle again. I just recently stopped speaking to him again... it's been about 2 maybe 3 months. Nothing is different... He had been drunk from Memorial Day to August or something of this year... he started some crap I honestly do not even know how it happened but it just felt like that same stuff only I was not there in person. I am done... told him he could only contact me via e-mail. 

Enabling is only a vicious cycle just like someone suffering from addiction. It starts slow but gradually the process is like a spider web. The addict and the enabler keep getting tangled in the addicts behavior. The only problem is the more the enabler enables the worse the addict can get.

We have to release the addict. Hope & Pray they become the butterfly.

Until next time...