Throwback Days

Wow right? I am the one in the pink dress talk about skinny!! I am short so when I lose weight you can defiantly tell. My neck bones are popping out and you can see the bones in my chest. I had already been kicked out of school at this time but the girl beside me she is my best friend from Richwood, Ohio. She was the first one I meet that was just like me! I started going through my old journals from my days of being sober I did not know I actually had this. Then I found the journal that my ex gave me because he knew how much I loved to write. 

Here is a journal from 8/29/2006 at 9:02p.m. this guy at my work was trying to get Gary and I hooked up. So it says "Last week, or maybe the week before that Scotty came up to me and was talking about how Gary liked me. I didn't believe it. Then yesterday I was in the back (at my office) and Scotty and Gary were back there and I was walking up to the front and Scotty said to Gary "Did you hook it up yet?" Gary said no because of his job and shit. I totally understand that but damn he is so sexy! I would literally die if he asked me out on a date" and he did<3

This was when we first got together in 2006, and he still has my heart<3

Here I am going threw this stuff again and crying. Not because I am sad... but because what was I really thinking, and wanting when I was using. It is so scary to think that I did this to my body, and my family. I just pulled out a letter from dad because when I got clean I was not allowed to speak with him. I think I had mentioned in a previous blog my Grandfather had passed away... the letter on the 2nd page was "Your grandpa went peacefully." I was not allowed to attend the funeral... I was just newly sober, back home, and if I were to go I would be going back to the old place I was using drugs at. I was very sad... cried a lot... but one thing I knew was Grandpa knew why I could not be there. My grandpa was not a talker much, but he listened well. He always knew what was going on with his grandchildren, and up-to-date on current sports events around. He was a Chief firefighter for many years so when they had his funeral they set up 10 fire trucks in the procession of the funeral, at the cemetery 2 ladder trucks at the entrance and a huge American Flag hanging from the ladders draped down. Just how he would have wanted. I remember being so upset about not attending I wrote all of my cousins apologizing for not being there. We are a huge family and at one point we were all very close...not so much anymore. Over the years the Christmas dinners expired, and Thanksgiving was at everybody's house and not just Grandma's. 

It is crazy how going back in time can be emotional even when they are moments we do not regret and know they were for all the right reasons. Here is a journal from 2006 in January right before I went to Rehab in May. I was defiantly breaking for sure...

Jan. 5, 2006

Hey what's up? Not shit just chillen at Nana's. My life is very miserable. I screwed so much shit up in my life it will never be the same. I feel so out of control and lost with no hope to go on. Nothing will be the same ever ! I screwed up a really good relationship with my mother again...I just pack up my things, and off I was on 95 going back to my abusive ex-boyfriend. I do not think I will ever be "okay" with this feeling I have. My life is just slowly slipping away... like a rain drop falling off of a leaf. I feel like everything I do is not good enough for anybody weather it be the ex, mom, dad, brother-somebody is always telling me it's wrong. They are always breathing down my neck telling me what to do and how or what I did wrong. I am freakin psycho-I probably would not think like this if I wasn't told this so many times in one day. My life is shitty.. I hate myself, the person I am, who I have become..I am ready to have my first nervous breakdown. Well, I'm just going to go smoke my cigs and hang out. 

Abbs

In August of 2005 I came back home to Florida.. I do not really remember what ended up happening and why I ended up coming back home to Florida but I did. I stayed with my brother at my Grandparents condo in Deerfield Beach, FL for a while. It was Hurricane season and Hurricane Wilma had just hit in October 2005, we were without power for 2 weeks or something. My mom and step-dad bought me a car a 1999 Black Sunfire (which ended up being totaled). I had about $160 in the bank...packed my things up and off I went. I stopped at a Nextel store to get a car charger and I left. Up the 95 corridor heading to Ohio. I left at 3 in the afternoon and got to Ohio the next day at Noon just in time for the Ohio State Buckeyes game. I did not call my mom, or my brother until I was later in my trip because they would have talked me out of it. I do not even think it was going back to my ex-boyfriend as much as it was going back to get the drugs! That is what it was all about... the drugs not the boyfriends, sex, or friends. It was all for the drugs... For real, when an addict is using it is not about anybody else but the drugs. The addict when using does not even love themselves so how could they possibly love anybody else. It is all so real to me now.. and the feelings in that journal in Jan. are all too real I remember feeling, and writing this. 

Until Next time....

Happy Halloween!!! We are flooded in down here in South Florida...hope everybody has a good Halloween<3

Here is my little pirate