Journal Writing from 12/11/2008

WARNING: VERY STRONG BAD WORDS

So, while I was locked up I was in the place that at first was hell, then became OK, and then was hell... and then it was good. We had to do what they call an "Encounter". That is when one person sits in the "hot seat" and all the other 17 girls sit in a circle and tell you what is wrong with you like the negativity that you put out in the community. I was just about to leave and 3 weeks before I leave my counselor decides to break me down one more time, to build myself back up. At first I could not believe I went 4 months without being encountered and then I get it 3 weeks before I leave. The feelings that were going thru me were horrible. They told me everything I already knew... I was nosey (okay, and?) and that I was fake (haha). So this was what I wrote after I was encountered....I had nobody to speak to after this encounter so I wrote every thought in my journal... and it was REAL! And, by the way when you get 18 girls together in one living room all menstruating at the same time it equals MIDDLE SCHOOL ALL OVER AGAIN:)

I don't fu**ing know what to do! Ms. T has-I don't know she got mad at me-then says she is not mad at me but I know she is. Then she says I justify for what I do wrong. I don't really know what she meant by that... Anyways, I think we are doing encounters, I hate these things. Well, I just got encountered... some of the things I did not agree with. You get encountered and then they want to push you up-now that's motherfu**ing FAKE  Oh well, then Ms. T was the first one to get up from the circle and go didn't even give me a hug!!! She ain't no friend that's the truth!! I'm going to start my period.. so I'm going to be crying all f***ing day!! These girls are a joke in here... Then this counselor wants to come in that I don't even know Ms. Hawk who the f*** are you seriously! Then Mr. T says yeah they did good with me-of course revengeful ass bitches! Then Ms. T wants to say all this shit to me that's fake as hell, all those things you said to me we have been attached to the hip for 3 months straight if you felt all this about me you could have told me! I feel like such a loser that all these girls think this crap about me... I need a damn cigarette so bad right now! I bet I am not leaving on the 29th Ms. G is going to keep me I just know it!! Back to the horseshoe !

I don't know I am just processing this and I have nobody to process this with except this journal. Then when Ms. T is mad at me she goes to Ms. W and acts like they are BFF! I have not said this in so long but I would love to just shoot some 80's in my arm right now. I can't believe I just said that... oh my gosh! I thought only my dad could get me this mad... it's how I feel though I have not felt that way for a long time I don't ever want to feel like this ever again it's a horrible feeling. Then Ms. D. says I flew under the radar bi**h you flew under the radar with that damn boot on your foot pretending like it hurts.. get REAL Ms. D!!!! Revengeful girls all of them... I'm so TC'd out I know that's wrong to say but I am! Ms. D hasn't opened up about shit except her dude fake hoe! I have so much going on in my head right now just make it stoppp please make it stop! 

So, why did I want to use after my encounter?

I felt exposed.... I am so angry about not being with my son for his 1st Christmas. 

Wow right? So many feelings in that journal entry.... all of those were REAL thoughts, and REAL pain!!! 

When I said I wanted to shoot some oxy's in my arm I had been almost 2 years clean and had not had a thought like that about 6 months after I got clean.... I was VERY hurt that day! An encounter is the WORST!!!

Until Next Time......