My Good-bye letter

Dear Opiates,

I was first introduced to you in a small town called Richwood, Ohio on Landon Road. We took a drive and passed by all the houses and ended up at the curve we pulled over. The little blue pills were then brought out I snorted it. It was amazing. You made me numb. You made me whole. I literally fell in love. Fell in love with everything about you. I do not even think I knew what love was until I took the straw to my nose and snorted it... there you were. Satisfaction. Wholeness. Love. Breathe of fresh air. Awe. 

You took everything I had. You took Abby away from the people she loved. You took her to a very cold and dark place. A place I never want to be again. I lost everything that I knew. I would wake up in the mornings and crave you. I wanted you, but more important I needed you. I needed you to be okay, to be able to move, to be able to think, to be able to clean, to be able to talk... you were my everything. Everything I never wanted to be, and everything I thought I needed. You took over my life very fast. Not only did I love you I loved cocaine, crack, and needles. I think at times you got jealous because I would stay up all night on cocaine/crack and then snort you to come down-you or my body did not like that one bit. 

(Me in the pink dress)

You made me skinny. You made my mom think I was anorexic. I think she was naive at the time until that time we stopped to eat when she came up to visit and I shot 3 of you in my arm and she had to pull over so I could puke. That was the other thing you made me puke so much but I still wanted you. After I puked it really kicked in. But, why? Why did I want, need, cherish, and love you? Probably because you took my pain away.. you made me forget everything about myself. You made me forget my humor, my love for my family, the love I had for myself... you made me forget the pain my father put me through, the pain I went through being sexually abused... everything I wanted to forget I did because of you. 

 I felt so alone. So disgusting. So helpless. Hopeless. I could not understand why I needed you. Why you had such a hold on me. What was it about me that you wanted? Everything you did to me was negative, nothing was good.. nothing that we did together was good! I remember I started shooting you up. It was like your birthday when I did. You just loved to see me suffer. You loved to see me feel like hell. The one day I shot up 3 pills in my arm... I OD'd.. nobody took me to the hospital.. nobody did anything... The needle was still in my arm. I knew I was okay because I was puking.. but my lips were blue and I could not move. J pulled the needle out of my arm. That night I shot 2 more up... because you were calling my name. I needed you. I wanted you. You were my escape. You almost killed me. You killed many people I know and loved so dearly. And each time I went to a funeral I had just got done putting the needle in my arm.. and each time I cried, I grieved, I went to visit you at cemeteries..but that was never enough. Never enough for any of us to stop. Why though? What did you want from me? It got so bad on days I could not even get out of bed. Then my ex would come home and he would smack me around for not doing anything. I was not only the bitch to opiates, but I was his bitch. 

  Terrible. Disgusting. Alone. Terrified. Afraid. No confidence. 

You stripped me of everything. The sad thing is when I dropped the weight nobody came to my rescue except you. That is when I knew you were all I had. You were my first love. You were my life. My soul mate.

When I chose to leave you I was fearful. Fearful of being sick. Fearful of seeing who I had become after using for so long. Fearful to have all those memories that I buried so deep come to light. Not only did I fear that... but I grieved for you. I grieved for you like I lost my mother, father, brother or sister. I literally cried for you. Cried at night in rehab on the 2nd floor just for you to come back. When the woman at Rehab told me there was no bed available I thought "haha you did want me again".. then there was one available and I knew it was time to let go. It was time for us to depart ways. It was time for me to love again... real love not junkie love. The fear at times has not stopped. The fear I could forget where and who I was does not ever go away. It still remains today. When I feel pain I pray I do not reach for the needle. When I feel angry I pray I do not reach for you. I do not need you. I do not want you. 

I know now I am worth it. I am beautiful. Confident. Fearless (sometimes). Happy. In love with a man. A child I adore with my whole heart. A life I could never leave. I save money, I do not blow it. I remember everything you did to me so I never go back to that cold dark place. I feel pain and I am okay with it; although I know it is okay to not be okay. I can cry and not pick you up. I have gratitude. I have support. You have made me a better person. You have made me the person I am today. I want to help millions of people. I write this blog to help people that are suffering, trying to find their way, parents that do not have  a clue on what is going on. I do not manipulate. I value my life. I value my achievements. I graduated with an AA in Psychology, I am proud. I am honored. I am truly lucky to be here, to be alive, to be writing this... to have the life I have I am truly lucky. I am grateful everyday to get out of bed and know it is a new day.

Most importantly

You have to realize this is the

It's real. It's emotional.

Until Next Time...