Sometimes bloggers can get writers cramp and it literally cramps my style! LOL...
Today I decided to do something different... I wanted people to ask me questions and I would answer them. I love being as open as possible about my drug addiction, recovery, how I got there, what I was addicted too and things like that. I have no regrets in my story-and I have no shame. In my own opinion, I feel it is very important to not hide that we are addicts because the more people that open up the more people would start to possibly understand the disease of addiction. I feel of it like this when people don't vote but want to complain about who got elected... we cannot complain about people not understanding addiction because as addicts it should be us that help make them understand. I hope that made sense the way I wanted it too...
#1. What is your age? 25 years old turning 26 on July 30th.
#2. Where are you from? I am from Ohio moved to Florida when I was 9. At the age of 13 I took off and went to live with my dad in Ohio until the age of 20 and then I came back to Florida in 2006. My permanent residence though has always been Florida.
#3. Why did you start your page? For 2 years I had gone back and fourth on if I wanted to write a blog or a Facebook page. I have always been so open about my addiction, and I being a drug addict in recovery. So, in October 2011 I started my blog and wrote for a while but wanted more people to interact with about Addiction and to share my story with. On March 11, 2012 I started my Facebook page. My main purpose in starting the page is to give addiction a voice. So many people want to downgrade us and think that we are such "junkies" but that is not the case. I want to fight for individuals to understand what addiction really is. I want to not be shameful but to be proud that I have overcome. And I think it is so important for everybody to be open (I know many it is hard to be open) the stigma surrounding addiction is terrible and if we all do not come together, speak out loud & proud then nobody will ever understand it.
#4. Do you have a history with Addiction? I have had a history with addiction as long as I can remember. At 9 I knew what alcoholic meant when I should have been learning how to properly ride my bike. At 10 I was digging under the couch to find my father's beer cans, and vodka bottles. I was his caretaker, and his enabler at a very young age. At 12 is when my addiction started with weed, to pills, to shooting up pills, crack/cocaine anything I could get my hands on. I drank alcohol very few times because I saw what it did to my dad... and I always wonder if I saw what drugs did to somebody would I have become addicted? I do believe I would have....
#5. What makes you strong and what weakens you? My strengths are: my support system, knowing I am not perfect, my husband and son, talking about my emotions, being open, letting go of my past, accepting I have hurt others through my addiction, kindness, I am funny, I am beautiful, and confident. My weaknesses are: I am sometimes too emotional, my fears are sometimes too much, anxiety, I can easily slip into depression (but I can pull myself right back up too), failing, my father, and I worry about others more than myself.
#6. While in recovery people say we need to forgive... forgive ourselves and others for our actions... how was this for you? Forgiving ourselves is very important. We have to accept that "yes we hurt people and yes we made their live hell" and hopefully one day as we grow they will see (they can always worry about a relapse) that they also need to move on from this too. I have people tell me all the time "I have changed I am 2 years clean I am doing the right thing but my family will not let me move on from this they throw it in my face constantly" that is the problem sometimes families have a hard time of letting things go. While we can understand this, it is hard on the addict too. I never felt the need to forgive others for my actions but I did feel the need to apology to my family and make the amends. This was probably the hardest things I have ever done. I sat down and wrote myself a letter in my journal apologizing to myself for what I had done to myself. I then sat down when the time was right to make my amends with my family, and friends I hurt along the way. The only person that I have ever forgiven was the girl that wore the wire on me. I forgave her because I had to move on from that part of my life and in order to do that I had to forgive her and stop holding such hatred for her. I do not talk to her, and sometimes I do think about it and think "ugh" but I have no hate towards her and I did forgive her for doing that too me.
#7. Was drugs an escape for you? If so an escape from what? Drugs were defiantly an escape for me. When I would use I escaped any pain I ever felt. The pain of never feeling understood, feeling nobody listened to anything I ever said... the pain of my father, the blame I got from my father's addiction, abuse from my EX boyfriend, the pain from being sexually abused, the pain I put my mother threw.. Drugs were defiantly an escape from every day reality, and the pain I was going through.
#8. How did you relationship with a Higher Power evolve? How is it different from early recovery? My higher power is God. I have always believed in Him and always knew He had a purpose for me even if I did not understand it at the time I now understand what his purpose for me was even through my darkest days. My relationship with God is different than when I first came to recovery. When I first got into my recovery I could not understand why after being almost 2 years clean I was facing felony charges, WHY he wanted me to leave my newborn baby.. none of it made sense but He thought I still had to work on somethings and I am glad it happened even if I wish it did happen sooner. I read my Recovery Bible daily, pray when I am weak and strong and know He is always there for me.
#9. How long have you been in recovery? I have been sober 6 years and 2 months. I went to rehab on May 17th, 2006 but was high so my actual clean date was May 18th, 2006.
#10. What has been the most beneficial thing to your recovery? Probably going to the program I was in and not communicating so much with my father. I know when I left to go to the program it was a very awkward time in my life with my new husband, and a new baby but it really helped me become a better person in recovery and believe in myself again.
#11. Is AA or NA a part of your recovery? NA use to be part of my recovery but as I blogged about this a couple blogs ago I do not attend meetings anymore but read my books a lot. I got tired of going to meetings and people were showing up high it made me have anxiety and I could not handle it.
#10. What has been the most beneficial thing to your recovery? Probably going to the program I was in and not communicating so much with my father. I know when I left to go to the program it was a very awkward time in my life with my new husband, and a new baby but it really helped me become a better person in recovery and believe in myself again.
#11. Is AA or NA a part of your recovery? NA use to be part of my recovery but as I blogged about this a couple blogs ago I do not attend meetings anymore but read my books a lot. I got tired of going to meetings and people were showing up high it made me have anxiety and I could not handle it.
I actually had fun doing this!! I would love to do it more often...
<3 Until Next Time.....<3
Abby, I appreciate your honesty about your addiction. Like you, I believe that in order for the stigma associated with addiction to decrease, we have to talk about these things. Only then will more addicts get the help that they need! I am new to your blog, but already see that we have much in common. I too am a recovering addict (I have a little over two years of sobriety), I am also a student studying Psychology (and Sociology, as well), and I am a mother. I am looking forward to reading more of your blogs! Thanks for sharing...
ReplyDeleteGreat idea for your blog! I may have to try that someday. You know I am just started on mine good, so it will probably be a little while before I post a Q & A post. And yes, I agree that the more addicts that talk about the disease of addiction, the better people have to make the choice for themselves, which road to take.
ReplyDeleteAbby, I admire you for doing this and taking this position. I am a child of a couple generations of abusers and I can tell you that what you're proposing through my eyes feels like it's going to be hard.
ReplyDeleteI was, like you, a searcher for the bottles and the booze for people. I know my parents love me, but I was not a priority and that's hard to deal with at times although I am at peace with it now. They were out of control; they didn't really have a compass.
I would like to forgive and forget. But sometimes the patterns continue. The dry drunk behavior, the entitlement behavior and the narcissism that covers up grave inadequacy.
I think you are brave and I know, as a child of abusers, that no one's path is simple; no one's path is clear. But the path you have chosen is good and true.
Being the child of my parents has led me to become a very resilient and quick thinker; I was often too quick to judge and too quick to act as well. Those are the hallmarks of the legacy of addiction; I became a reactive, untrusting person.
I feel for you because not only did you grow up in that world, but you continued it for yourself and that's so hard. I had my times, I never teetered on addiction, but I played with its fringes. I was lucky. I got away.
My parents are still alive and doing the best they can; they are both sober (my dad stopped drinking when I was born) and my mother struggled with it until a few years ago but they are happier now. They see the destruction. They see the scars and we all know things will never be easy but they are easier than they were.
I wish you nothing but health and peace on your path. This was a great post and one I think deserves attention.
(ps - this wouldn't let me post via my wordpress acct - www.mollyfielddotcom.wordpress.com)