Settled In

I am home finally and all settled in from a crazy place I once called home, and had so many sisters (something I have always wanted). I am enjoying the comfort of my own home, cooking, cleaning; we cleaned a lot in there but this time it was not on my hands and knees picking up hair, spraying Windex on the bathroom appliances to make sure not a smear was on there. My little baby boy was not so little anymore he was 6 months old and weighing about 20 pounds (if he wasn't it was close) those Grandmothers feed him well:)


I could not be more thankful for all those that stepped right in and helped Gary and Sean while I was gone. I felt so helpless, and had very little hope... but I knew deep inside they were well taken care of. I was unsure on how to be a mom... Yes, I was there the first 6 weeks but now he is bigger, sitting up, holding toys, you know all those firsts I missed he was doing. I was overwhelmed but thankful to be home. Yes, there were those thoughts of this is so much, and when can I go back to my sisters, and my family room 4...and on Friday's cooking in the kitchen and serving the staff and residents. No more of those...this time I was serving dinner to my boys, and being with my family for the first time!


I had a counselor in West Central who put her all into everything she did for us. She was always on our case, always telling us when we were messing up, when to get our shit straight, how to open up, be a woman, and face the problems to get well. She was awesome...and the very one that inspired me to be a Substance Abuse counselor. She impacted my life just as most of the staff did because each person in that place had a huge part in all of our journeys to become a better person, wife, girlfriend, friend, daughter, granddaughter, niece and so on. Not all of them were addicts, but some were and they could all relate like they had been there. Were they always on the same page not always but certainly knew when to stop badgering and just be there for us. They broke us down to build us up...was it sometimes very hard? Yes, because the whole staff knew deep down we could all succeed to become wonderful people outside of our drug fogged mind. My counselor knew just the right treatment plans, and she saved the best one for last... the treatment plan on my dad, because she had to break me down just a little before I left to make me strong against him again and not so weak. That was the hardest treatment plan... but it helped me to build that concrete wall so that he could never break thru.


My dad, see he is not a bad person..he's an alcoholic I don't know if you would call him a binge drinker, alcoholic, or what. He is the type that will go 6 months of working to saving his money to 6 months of drunkenness. The first 3 months he will be drunk, and the next 3 months he will be sobering up and once again on the hunt for a job to save up more money. I was always daddy's little girl, but remember as stated in previous blog that I am also the type that cannot stand for somebody to be alone, or even feel alone. It gives me anxiety to think that somebody feels that way. He had this way of manipulating me, blaming me, and laying guilt trips on me. When he is not drinking he's awesome, fun, funny, and a really great guy. He has always had this way of being able to get into my head, feeding me bullshit, and I would be eating it believing him. When I was 14 I went to live with my dad to help him, take care of him.. and from 13-19 I was back and fourth from Ohio to Florida. My mom would come pick me up because my dad would be drunk and I would start school in Florida and then leave again... I remember one family member telling me once that "he cannot handle a teenager" excuse me? Then he should not have had sex with my mother!! DUH... 


In February 2009 I decided to sign up for school online. My husband and I felt it was best for me to stay at home instead of daycare so I did. I started at the University of Phoenix majoring in Psychology and love learning something new everyday about myself, and others. I like the online experience of schooling I do not sit in a class all day long and listen to an instructor. I had A.D.D. I could possibly not sit still for that long. I am still going and have since transferred to Florida Institute of Technology majoring in Applied Psychology concentration in Clinical Psychology... and hope to one day get a second bachelors in Forensic Psychology. My whole goal is to be able to counsel addicts, but I also would love to work in a prison or an environment that I was in (Therapeutic Community). 


Sean (my son) is 3 years old now and a healthy big boy! He brightens my day every day, and knows just how to make me laugh. My mother in law told me that when I was not around she felt that Sean knew his mother was just not around. She said he never smiled, and was a very placid baby... but now mama is home and he is wild, crazy, clever, funny, and awesome to be around. He had the chance to live in the Bahamas while Gary husband was working over there, he loves the beach but sometimes the waves were a bit too high and he would get scared. It was beautiful, peaceful, and meet tons of awesome people...just not a place to live with a kid. 


My husband and I are now going on 5 years of being together, and 4 years of marriage. He is the best, and I am truly thankful for everything he does and is still doing for us each day. I knew the minute I saw Gary when I came back that if I did not take the opportunity and try this that I could possibly let the man of my dreams go... and I could not have that happen. He is just simply amazing and words cannot even describe how in love I am with him.

Until next time...