Rehab

I have been sitting here debating on how to start a blog, where to begin... do I tell you about me and who I am or do I start off with whatever is on my mind. 


I'll start with my recovery process and how I knew I was addicted to drugs, and what made me want to actually get help.

It was the month of May in 2006 spring up in Ohio and I was very heavy into using drugs at this point in my life. I started smoking pot at 12, drank a little bit, but when I found pain pills it was like I was a different person. I felt good, happy, amazing, all those feelings that come with taking your first pill. I had such low self-esteem about everything in my life, I don't know why I knew I was pretty but did not feel pretty. I was always the type to have a smile on my face but deeply hurting inside. When something was bothering me I acted stupid, silly, hyper, and said the craziest things to hide the pain. 


The pain of leaving Galion, Ohio where all my friends from preschool were, the house I adored so much on Hessenauer Drive, the funeral home that was mostly my second home, having sleepovers, playing in my best friends basement for hours on end. The pain of my parents fighting, my father being an alcoholic, and the realization that nothing will ever be the same for us who lived in Galion, Ohio on Hessenauer Drive. The For Sale sign was up so it was eventually going to happen, but why? Just because dad wanted too... to hide from what he had done, to not be the talk of the town... I dont know but leaving Galion was the hardest thing that I have ever gone through.


You see, Galion was not like any typical suburban neighborhood, or town... it was one big family especially Hessenauer Drive. We protected, watched out, and had the times of our lives on that road. So, that was the pain I was running from... and when taking my first pain pill I never had to think about any of that pain ever again; I did not have to go through each day thinking of the moment my life changed forever I could finally move on. I had no idea at the time what drugs would do to, but I knew for sure what alcohol would do and I knew I did not want to be like that. 


I went to rehab May 17, 2006 trying to leave the drug infested person I had become. I did not even know who I was weighing 90 pounds a couple things I did know was how angry, filled with pain, low self-esteem, but I did not know why or how I had got to where I was. I will never blame anyone for my addiction because it was my choice to snort my first pill. It was back on Landon Rd. in Richwood, Ohio and I was just turning 17 so I was still 16 at the time. It was heaven, pure joy; or what I thought was pure joy and heaven... now I know what pure joy really is after being sober.


So, that was my first time taking a pill... it eventually progressed to where I felt pain everyday I did not have a pain pill... yes, the hurting pain I talked about before but also the pain in my body artificial pain the kind where addicts think they are in pain but are not they just need that fix. I overdosed a couple times, never serious to go get my stomach pumped but it still never made me stop. I was literally on the couch barely breathing... but the people around me were telling me that if I was puking I was going to be okay. My ex-boyfriend was disappointed in me... probably because he did not get that high. The next time I overdosed I had been up smoking crack for days and days and my legs started turning purple and I could not stop starring. So, I just jumped in the shower for literally a whole hour and a half and started right back up again. I was once again okay.... and back at it again. 


The whole time I was using drugs I never had a job and if I did it was for a day or two and then I would run out of pills so I could not go to work. Since I never had a job you may wonder how did I get my pills? Well, my ex-boyfriend had the supply eventually that got old to him so I would do what I had to do.. and NO I never sold my body for drugs that I do know. Most of the things I do not remember, or people will tell me what I did... like, my friend Teirra telling me that I was in her car one day and a Oxycontin fell out of my pocket and I was nodding out in her backseat. Defiantly do not remember that... 


I went to rehab at Talbot Hall in Columbus, Ohio all thanks to my mother, step-dad, and Beth and Julie for picking me up that day. I had been smoking crack still that day..so my first clean day was May 18th, 2006. (Beth & Julie if your reading this, now you know why I would not even touch my food at Bob Evans). You know why my dad wasn't there.. because he said "I didn't know the people you were hanging out with, or where I was going" it still doesn't matter what he says as to why when I needed him the most he was not there. 


See, the story with my father is... I was the parent from 14-19 thinking I had to take care of him skipping out on my childhood. It is nobodys fault why I did what I did. I have always just had a soft spot for people that are feeling lonely, or are lonely. It gives me anxiety to think that anybody feels lonely, or is sad and alone. That is the worst feeling in the world. I was so stuck on helping him that nothing else mattered not even school. When I was just a little girl and we had first moved down to Florida I always had to be around my father because I knew something was wrong. But, I was always the first (and still am) on pointing out when he is drinking. At 11, I showed my mother where all his Vodka bottles were... sad, right? Not for anybody but my father.. He lost everything to never have it back.


So, I go to rehab and am doing my assessment thinking they have to take me today because if I have to go back to Julie or Beth's house withdrawing from drugs they will never want to speak to me again, and when they fall asleep I will be out the door walking to find my next fix. I was already manipulating, and thinking of what I was going to be doing if a bed was not ready. I wanted to be there... but I also knew that right around the corner from Talbot Hall was the dealer  that my friends knew and I could go to also. So, we do the assessment the woman goes upstairs to find NO BEDS. I was in desperate need of a bed. As we gathered my belongings heading for the rotating doors the woman comes out and says "Wait wait.. God must be looking out for you because I have a bed" I knew right then that everything that I had did on May 17, 2006 from making the phone calls, to getting a ride was worth doing and something amazing was going to come out of this. And it did, and it is still happening...


So, my first night in Rehab all I wanted to do was sleep but of course I could not. So I sat in the smokers lounge getting to know my fellow addicts. I had a roommate... cannot remember her name but I will never forget her, or her story. See the thing with us addicts is we all have a story, many sound the same... but they are unique in their own way and each addicts story affects another differently. My story may touch one, rather than another... and that is okay as long as I am reaching out. 


By the way, I have A.D.D. so my blogs could be rambles at times... but I will eventually get back on track. 


So, the first night in rehab was okay... I got pills to sleep, and to relive the withdrawals and the next day I slept all day because before this I had been up literally for 7 days doing all kinds of drugs. And the next 7 days that I was in their... was HELL. I hated every minute of them telling me what I could and could not do, when I could sleep, and when I had to go downstairs to a meeting; wait until you hear about my incarceration experience. They discharged me... and a good thing because my Grandparents best friend of years passed away and they were coming up to the funeral so my mom would come and pick me up too. So, now I am back to Florida.....


Till' the next time!!