One-Way Ticket Home

In November sometime I got my out date when I would be going home. December 29, 2008 I would have a one-way ticket to my house, my baby boy that I do not even know, my husband, and my mom...

My mom and I had a really hard relationship-it was not the typical "teenage years". I ran away while she was at the mall one day, I hit her, said the worst things to her, it was so awful. If anybody takes anything from this specific blog always remember that your mom is your best friend, and when she tells you something just do it because technically mothers are always right (Moms have your daughters read LOL). I would give anything to take back the years, tears, and heartache I caused her. I do not think I even tell her that enough...but she knows I am here now to not go away. My husband and I had the opportunity to travel and live in the Bahamas for 5 months while he was working, came home and had the opportunity to travel to Cape Canaveral, Florida and he worked there for a while. The Bahamas trip was okay-not a place to live but to travel-the 2nd trip was harder. Even though I had my husband, and baby boy... these feelings of leaving my mother were coming back of abandoning her once again. I ended up coming home, not just for that but because I needed the internet to do my schooling. I was so angry, and tense... why? Because these feelings of being separated from those I love make me crazy. When I was using drugs it was in my drug addicted mind okay to leave them...but now I become angry and nobody can even stand to be around me.

See, when leaving Rehab I was coming home to my parents who gave me structure, and a schedule. When I went to West Central everything was structure, and defiantly on a schedule (and not a minute late).. when I came home my son was already 6 months old so I switched right into structure, and schedule. So when my schedule gets messed up now my mind cannot even handle it. Sounds weird? So, all of this structure and schedule (in my head) cannot get messed up or I turn into somebody crazy. But, if I was not crazy sometimes... then I would be normal and who wants to be normal? LOL!!

When we had a successful discharge at West Central we went out the main doors.. (when you go out the side door that's an unsuccessful) and ceremony to honor those who have successfully completed the program. We got to go shopping and wear the clothes we bought (real clothes not those white tube socks, white shirt, and jeans-real clothes) the choir sang a song, we got a certificate, and little charms. I was so nervous for my transition home (that is what they called it) because I had never in my whole life successfully completed anything. Unless you count successfully overdosing, successfully getting a felony, successfully screwing over many friends, and family along the way... but I mean a positive accomplishment I had never accomplished. This was my very first certificate..then I got down on myself because my only certificate was a Prison certificate. Then I thought... but I did this all by MYSELF with the help of many many people but me I did this all alone nobody to hold my hand and carry me to the finish line. The treatment plans, the bench, announcing my name into every room, being Head of House, being a whole community, having my sisters, and so much more sure they helped... but I ultimately did this whole program (one of the hardest I might add) all by myself. It was a peaceful, proud moment... even if it was a prison certificate.

My best friend Natalie, who I might add came to every single visit, never missed a letter, and was always the best friend I could ever ever ask for. We have known each other since I was just 2 years old-disconnected, reconnected...but we both never missed a beat with each other. She wrote me letters, poems, quotes, sayings, and would try to add lingo into her letter (you know girlll) and I did not understand until I got out. She was my rock in that place. My dad he was too...the only time he EVER supported anything I did so I took it and cherished that 4 1/2 months he came there every Sunday. Now, we do not speak (more on that later).

My mom, Natalie, and father came to pick me up... all I wanted was a cigarette; I know I know almost 5 months of no smoking and the first thing I did was smoke a cigarette! I went to check in with my probation officer, of course all my stuff was already transferred to Ohio but something got mixed up and ended up waiting there for about 3 hours to be "accepted" back into the State of Florida. Who would of thought a felon would have to be accepted somewhere....oh well. So I am free... but deep inside I was dying to go back. Yearning for somebody to tell me that we had 5 minutes before lights out, and to stand pulled up rest at the locker....? Nobody was there that first night... (my mother and I stayed in a hotel and flew out the next day to Florida). The hotel bed was comfortable...but where was that green mattress that I grew accustom to? And, my one pillow... with my locker... and all my white underwear, shirts, shoes, socks? This is crazy... I could go outside freely and smoke a cigarette in the brisk cold air with snow on the ground. This is so crazy to me...

When someone says "I will never go back to that place"because I cannot even tell you how many times I have said that..but when I was home in Florida what can I do to go back to that place where all that structure was? Why? Because I was so use to one thing, the same thing for almost 5 months... but I knew if I messed up it would be prison and not West Central. I do not know what makes a person think that and never thought I would... but I did but clearly scratched that straight out of my brain!!

On my way home I wrote one last journal entry in my good ol' journal that was with me every step of the way from August 18, 2008 to December 29, 2008.

12/30/2008
Well, I got out yesterday my first taste of freedom and it felt so good. I smoked a cigarette and that was even better. What a battle that was..the craziest, most amazing, inspiring program ever. I am so glad to be out; I have about two hours and I'm with Gary & Sean. I am so excited. Yesterday and today were the best days of my life! I am so pumped!! Wait, should I say that again? I am so pumppped!!! No more pat-downs, strip searches, little petty girls breathing down my neck... I am FREE!! Although, I have thought about the place, and girls since I left it will be hard I hate saying good-bye to all the amazing people I left especially Ms. Thornton. I feel like I look at the clock too see what they are doing.. I am so close to seeing Sean I can hardly breathe! I went to dinner with Natalie, Tom, Marta, Jessica and mom that was fun!! It feels so weird to be out... uncomfortable feeling, and having anxiety feeling like I should not be on this airplane right now. I'll write more later and tell you my experience being home... it feels so weird being out of standards:)

I remember walking in my house... Sean and Gary were watching out our bedroom window and Sean was on the bed and I just walked in my house and squeezed the shit out of both of them!! I was the happiest girl ever... I was finally home:)

And, to stay home forever....