Where is my Mother?

You know that book by Dr. Seuss "Where's my Mother?" that is all I kept thinking about the whole time incarcerated. I had never had a baby before so I did not know the milestones, or even get to experience a first moment from 6 weeks to 6 months. So, I am in this room that we call Family Room 4 with 2 dorm rooms Gratitude and Strength.. a little library room we called Vision, a Laundry room, and a bathroom; and the only thing that would come to my mind is my baby boy at home wondering "Where is my mother?". He had his daddy, and his grandmothers (my mother, and Gary's mother) but where was that ladies voice I heard while I was in that really warm place? I am so thankful he was not old enough to remember, but when the time is right I will one day open up to hopefully stop the vicious cycle that just keeps repeating history.

So, I got all checked in... got my badge... had my red scrubs... a net laundry sack... but no green suitcase, and no pads! I walked into Family Room 4 and they directed me to a bench with my sack, that bench would eventually come into handy many times. There was a big white dry erase board in front of me with all these names Head of House, Floor Expediter, Assistant F.E., Garden... come to find out these were all jobs that I would eventually partake in. I thought it would be only a good 3 weeks and I would be home.. I mean it did say in my papers from sentencing "Staff at West Central decides when going home" hell I did not know I would be there for 4 1/2 months. So, I am sitting on this bench... and this guy walks in, who I had already crossed paths with in intake and he was hassling me about very open questions that I did not even want to answer. So, this guy comes into Family Room 4 and I was told to sit in this plastic chair and tell these girls who I was.

There was 18 of us... and I told them who I was and kept catching hell from this one guy who would eventually apologize for making me cry. LOL. My big sister than took me to my Gratitude dorm who I would have intake sisters Ahlea, and Alison; however, we go by last names so it was Ms. Thornton, and Ms. Mullins everybody was called by their last name and you had to add Ms. in front of that. We had to announce ourselves every time we walked in to a different room... so for example when entering the bathroom I would say "Ms. Davis in the restroom" this was to make us aware of all times of our surroundings because on the outs we could walk into any house and not be aware that we were about to walk into a drug dealers house. I still do this at times not really out loud but in my head. We had tons of rules, and those little unwritten rules too. If we got in trouble we had got our name on the Pull-up board and had to do an L.E. (learning experience). Pull-up=doing bad and a push up=doing good. Each person had a job once you were out of Phase 1 and that included the big white board with those names on it when sitting on the bench. I was to learn the philosophy, the rules, and so much more to get my first visit, and to be able to make 1 phone call a week.

I stayed in Phase 1 for an extra week because of my behavior. My sidekick would eventually be my intake sister although we fought like sisters we understood each other deep down. When we wanted to cry, cuss, and vent we would go in the bathroom in the first stall because the R.M.'s could not see us from their box. They would always be in that box looking in the mirrors to the bathroom to see which one was taking the longest and say "this is not a fashion show". LOL... all of our hair had to be in standards could not be down, touching our ears... we had to wear Jeans, white shirts underneath, tube socks, white shoes, and if we had a job we wore a gray shirt, and if we did not it was a blue shirt (This was phase 2)...for phase 3 you got a green shirt and you were finally going home.

They did not like to call it a prison and the "guards" were not C.O.'s they were Resident Monitors or R.M.'s who would help all of us through our recovery process. There were men on the other side that we had a 3 second rule, you got to look for 3 seconds and that was it. We had class the boys but still no talking... people would and eventually one girl would get sent back to prison for passing her number. Those pull-ups I was talking about... I would always get in trouble for disrespecting somebody so on the board it would say My name: Ms. Davis Pull-up: Bad-tact; disrespect L.E.: Write a letter, or story, sing a song in the cafeteria those would be our consequences.. it would eventually take me many many pull-ups, and learning experience to get that I cannot talk to people the way I am. When we said a bad word we would have to go around all day (starting after morning meeting until the nightly meeting) "My name is Ms. Davis and I will not cuss like a sailor" and we would wear a sailor hat. Sounds so cheesy, and all sounds so crazy.. but this was my life for 4 1/2 months and eventually it all started making sense. It works... and you will walk in this place and say "I will not learn ANYTHING" to eventually walk out of there and learn so much more than you could ever imagine. It is the BEST free treatment anybody could receive... although the price to go there is to be a felon.

Here is a journal article.. I was going thru the first couple of days and it was pretty much everything that was in here explaining the program.. so I'll go to September 16, 2008 where I will be in this place almost a month.. and it was my FIRST visit with Sean and Gary

9-16-08
Crazy couple days... yesterday and the rest of the week we are going to be sitting in a horseshoe. Sunday my hubby and baby came-oh my gosh:) It was so exciting-my baby is so big and beautiful. My hubby ugh-so gorgeous. 1 month of not seeing him made me fall that much more in love with him. Well, starting something-try to write later.

I'm going to try and write every break so we'll see how that goes. I have a feeling something is about to go down. Ms. Ward was suppose to go on a furlough and Ms. Silverthorn (nurse) asked me, Dickason, and Mustard if we knew something. I have NO idea! Well, breaks over.. be back later!

Oh my gosh I am so f***ing sick, mad, angry, hurt, worse anxiety, and sad. Ms. Ward straight up manipulated, lied all because she wanted too see her husband that she cries over every time a phone call is made. My baby is 2 months old and I want him to know who his mommy is... I'm shaking I'm so mad right now how could she... it cost almost $200-$300 all around for a plane ticket-then if he needs to rent a car, gas, hotel, all for a 1/2 hour visit!! What if something happened I can't even call to make sure my husband and son are okay. So quiet, and innocent.. YEAH RIGHT!! She had everybody fooled. People in red or just out of red haven't even got to see their kids! I'm done with that, ain't even worth my time.
Breaks over!

I'm having anxiety glad he let us write. I'm so pissed too because we can't go to classes but I guess this is better because staff is helping us come together and stuff. My husband is going to be so upset... :( Ms. Wurtsbaugh got kicked out-that's exactly where Ms. Ward needs to go honestly... she could careless! She sadi she took the charges for him.. from what she told me is they were her moms or mother-in-laws pulls she went and picked them up...all seems strange to me admit your an addict Ms. Ward!!!!!

Anyways, nothing new my dad was suppose to come down but it won't happen now. Sad thing is... some people do want treatment and are waiting in jail and prison to get here and people like Ms. Ward are takin up a bed!! Gotta pee... later..nevermind breaks over!!

You know sitting here thinking-I was in recovery, clean for 2 1/2 years and I come in here and I'm getting straight up sicker!!! That's not what this is about-I was doing the right thing, going to meetings (occasionally), taking care of my family, and here I am sitting here with 16 females and 1/2 them are still sick and crazy!! The same people that pull us up for petty shit are doing way way bigger things. You know what else is funny she said she didn't know it would affect everybody (Ms. Ward) since DAY #1 I got told "community as a method" that means as a WHOLE. You do wrong, we all get punished... shut that shit up Ms. Ward you KNEW everybody would be affected.

Enough about her, and her hijacking our visits, and phone calls... wonder what my babies are doing. He's so cute! I am glad I got too see him keep the memories going of him. LUNCH TIME!! Out of the horseshoe for at least 45 minutes.

Just got done with G.I. tites-crazzzy! Whew... if it gets everybody in check I guess it's worth it though. We have been on silence since we encountered Ms. Ward. So this is the only way I can speak... I am a talker=I want to SCREEAAMM!! hahaha...Back in the horseshoe be back later!!

Just talked to Ms. Thornton we haven't had time anymore since we got out of red. It really sucks! We are sitting back in this horseshoe again. Such a mentally, physcially, emotionally draining day... I don't like that. We are all in a good mood now... but still the craziness will be back. Write later if I have time!!

So, all these seems crazy right? Well it was... this is what I like to call it an emotional boot camp. We had to stand marine style way hands behind our back, no talking in line... we did not march, and yell chants down the hallways.. we did that at our morning meetings. G.I. Tites are where you have to clean one area for like 15 minutes or something. A horseshoe is where we would sit in a horseshoe and figure things out about the community...

More writing later!! Stay tuned...